A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need desperate help. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year and a half. Things have been a little down lately due to my side of the family issues accepting her. She plans on going on a business trip abroad, conveniently over memorial day weekend (for 5 days, alone). But i also found out that her and a co-worker (abroad) exchanged some words like "wow you look hot in those pictures" and "thanks you're pretty cute yourself" I had also found out that she told her best friend she was going abroad for vacation (not business), and the best friend asked if that co-worker knew that she was coming...I insisted on coming and buying my plane ticket as i've gone to this location my whole life and it's like a second home to me, but she kept saying it is inappropriate...Are these signs of possible cheating, or am I just crazy? Help me!!!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 May 2008):
 good then
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom what I got, even the times where i didn't reveal that I knew about the stuff i snooped on, but gave clear indication that i knew SOMETHING, in retrospect she never put the two together because she had no intentions of doing anything like that...So i guess it could be a little bit of both....
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (19 May 2008):
You say she is angry that you snooped. What did she say about the information you found while snooping? Is she hurt because you didn't trust her or angry because she got caught?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
So here's where we are at. We have had several meetings/dinners since the breakup, we can both tell that we miss eachother and love eachother there is no denying that. I want to keep this pretty simple so i'm asking for some good advice on where to take it from here...She feels that we need to build the trust back before diving into the relationship agian.
She doesn't trust me and feels hurt that her privacy was broken (from me snooping into her emails)
I dont trust her from the incriminating emails sent back and forth/flirting with this client.
After dinner tonight (making this the 3rd time we've seen eachother in person) we had spoken about things again while my intention was to NOT talk in circles about this stuff, since it will ultimately driver her/the possiblity of a future relationship away. She said she even researched but found nothing helpful, on ways to regain/rebuild trust. We've both been completely honest about everything ever since, even stating all the wonderful things that brought us together and what we love about eachother. We had even discussed what we both would of done differently.
I guess my personal issue (in general and in life) is i'm a very IMPATIENT person, which seems to be the main factor.
Any tips/ways to rebuild this trust which will hopefully ultimately lead back to a better stronger healthier relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRhythmandblues2, Thank you. I've been thinking alot, and I think your last post summed it up. I do love her, and i will have a good talk with her. I guess the good thing about having this space in the end, whether we get back together or just having a better understanding, is that it allowed me to think outside of the relationship for a moment. See the things i could of done right, and her right and why things happened the way they did. In some sense for myself, i'm proud that I am able to see outside of my self. I now have a complete understanding (from my perspectivee) to share with her, and to discuss. So thank you. Once this happens I will let you know what happened. But i really appreciate you dealing with my ranting...It shows there are beautiful people in this world. Thank you again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): It seems to me the main issue that you two need to resolve is the difference in your religions and your reluctance to bring your girlfriend into your family life. If you are serious about this girl then she needs to feel a part of your religous culture with your family, and you have been completely closed off to this. You yourself have refused to invite her to family dinners, haven't spoken to your parents about how you love her and she isn't Jewish and when you finally did it was a little too late, only to find out that your parents would accept your decision if even reluctantly.
Bein Jewish is a big deal, and it seems from my experience that it is important to marry within your faith or their is problems. It is difficult to have this cultural and religous difference in a marriage, marriage is hard enough without this. That said, if this girl loves you, you might have that conversation about her converting, or how you would raise your children together.
I think she has distanced herself emotionally from you to avoid being hurt. She knows you, she can sense your reluctance to take the relationship to the next level, marriage....and you seem to be blatantly tormenting her over trust issues that are yours to deal with...you are backing her into a corner, she has to stay on the fence because that is where you are....it isn't fair to her either that you are not talking to her, punishing her by not talking and telling her you are done. What exactly has she done? Nothing but a few text messages to a coworker, you are giving her every indication that your relationship has no where to go, nowhere to grow, and I think her heart is probably breaking whether you see remorese in her or not....she is probably built a wall around herself to protect her from you.
If you love her, then talk, communicate about the religion/family issue....if you can't work it out, then let her go with love, don't punish her for taking care of herself emotionally.
Good Luck.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (11 May 2008):
Ask her what she meant by " she knows she screwed up" Then you'll know what she meant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey. I ended up ignoring her calls after the first initial major argument, where she stormed out which seemed to me because the conversation just kept escalating because I kept telling her i want to work this out but it seemed like she wasn't having it. She left and went home and said "her head wasn't clear then but it is now" I dont know what this really means, just like the same day I broke up with her, she showed no sense of remorse or anything but then she texts me these messages that are complete opposite of what she acted like in person. Even after I revealed that I knew all these things with this guy...she still never FESSED up, so to say. Because the conversation was less than 20 minutes I said that I knew everything and I think she just took it all in. BUT that message I quoted that she wrote to me after the breakup (4-5 hrs later by text), clearly says she messed up etc. etc. But has no mention on the specifics that I found out. Here is the last thing she wrote to me a week ago (5hrs after the breakup) "i wanted to leave you this as a voicemail but ill do it here. I know that i fucked this up and its so crazy that after so much happy time togetherit ended like this. I couldnt tell you this stuff today because i didnt know how. I was so afraid of losing you that i pushed us apart and ran from it. I know that now. I never wanted to hurt you but i realize i wasnt fair to you. whatever you may think of me now, know that the realme is the me that you used to know. I never took advantage of you on purpose and for the pain i've caused you im deeply sorry. all i wanted was a future with you and now you're gone completely. im so sorry" Thoughts?
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reader, eddie +, writes (10 May 2008):
You do weave a complicated web. I hope your discussions with your girlfriend are more direct. You also tell a story in a Hollywood kind of dramatic manner.
You know that ignoring her calls was not a great idea but ultimately, I ask yo this. Did she admit to having some type of plans with this guy? Was there an admission on her part that she was interested in him? I know he said she screwed up but was she specific? She said you screwed up the future of the relationship. Did she say how?
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reader, oldfool  +, writes (10 May 2008):
 I don't think you love her and I don't see why you should want to see her. You've cut off communications from your end, why should you try and see her now? I think you're only having the same second thoughts as anyone who's terminated a relationship. It's tough breaking up, but it's worse going back to someone you don't really love.
You've basically destroyed any chance of having a relationship with her. You ignored her attempts at communication. She was reaching out and you turned her down. You're a tough guy telling her "We're done, bye". Nice touch telling her that you could look into her eyes and see no remorse or anything. I hope you feel better now. Best now to just leave her in peace. If she wants to contact you she will. And don't try and manipulate the channels of communication as you've been doing (talking to only when YOU want to). If she wants to talk, have the decency to talk to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk guys, so here's what happened. In the end , after finding the texts that she had said she was single to this client (read older posts highlighted in yellow if you need to catch up). I had dinner with my parents, she fell asleep and I just got up and left. She called when she woke, I said i'd figure i'd let you sleep. She asked if i would come over later I said yes. Having knowing everything at this point I just decided I did not want to see her the rest of the day or talk to her. I ignored her calls all night, until I simply texted her to come see me on sunday. Now keep in mind, that she left me an email after calling for hours, saying along the lines of "if i dont hear from you by tomorrow, i'm assuming you dont want to be in this relationship" This is yet another time she jumps the gun to that point in the last 3 days. At this point I felt i had nothing to lose. I said to her 3 times "I know everything" and she wouldnt budge. Finally i said exactly what i knew, but never said how I knew...I said i just know. She immediately went on defensive and said I fucked up our future, i broke her heart etc. I said why'd you say you were single, she said because she thought she was. Which is ironic since she was the one who thought we resolved everything thursday night (prior to her blowing me off on friday). So i clearly said you've made some decisions, you're saying you're single, what DO YOU want to to? Of course she said she wanted to be with me. I also had mentioned to her that she had been engaged/proposed to twice (past two rel. before mine), so it could be some pattern of hers to rush about the future and then burn out. (i dont know?). It came to the point where i just said we're done bye. Right before i said that, i told her that i could look into her eyes and see no remorse or anything....none of "oh please let's work this out etc. etc." not that i personally wanted it, but it would show somewhat that she cared. When she got home she IMed me saying that she'd send my stuff with my apt. keys in the mail, but also said: " I'm sorry it had to end the way it did, I never meant it to. I was so scared of losing you that I tore apart without knowing it or meaning to." I didn't respond, and about 5 hrs later I got another text (she called but i went to a movie to clear my head and my voicemail is messed up) this time she said: " i wanted to leave you this as a voicemail but ill do it here. I know that i fucked this up and its so crazy that after so much happy time togetherit ended like this. I couldnt tell you this stuff today because i didnt know how. I was so afraid of losing you that i pushed us apart and ran from it. I know that now. I never wanted to hurt you but i realize i wasnt fair to you. whatever you may think of me now, know that the realme is the me that you used to know. I never took advantage of you on purpose and for the pain i've caused you im deeply sorry. all i wanted was a future with you and now you're gone completely. im so sorry"
But again its so confusing because I dont know if this is genuine or is this her knowing i could be in a weak state, and try to get me back...It sounds to me slightly like she has already accepted that its over...Yes in the end I felt i had to break it off...But the advice i'm asking you guys, is it's been about a week since that text, and i never answered it, and no one has called or anything...zero contact since then. I feel like i want to call her on Sunday (1 week exactly), and just ask her to come for a walk in the park to just talk. This past week has cleared my head on many levels, it took me outside of the box or relationship...made me think why things happened the way they did, and even things i could of done different on my end. But i can only speculate, I think she's the only one for answers. And yes a big part of me is thinking that (depending on what she says), maybe it COULD be worked out...but that my trust has to be regained...Because let me give you the skinny on why I THINK things happened the way they did. I think the main issue with her was feeling apart of my family, and being "accepted" especially because she isn't Jewish. My family gets together 1 time a week for a two hour dinner to just catch up etc. Sometimes we dont even meet at all...But that's all the family time we get since we're all so busy. So i wonder even if i took her for the last year and a half, would she still be asking the same question. The jewish issue was something that she brought up many times throughout, and I kind of put it off, which now i realize for what reasons (which i didn't tell her or didnt realize then). I've never been in the situation where i had to face my parents on such an issue, and certainly didn't feel comfortable or ready just yet. According to her which kind of sealed the deal is that she said she got invited to three other Passover Seders (high jewish holiday), but not her own boyfriends. I didn't even ask my parents becasue i feared what the ultimate answer was...Of course now thinking about it, I realize why I didnt ask and why it may have been inappropriate to casually bring a girlfriend to such an intimate family occasion. But i never told her at the time. So i feel after that (which coincidentaly is around the same time as things started getting worse), I feel like she backed herself in a corner, and thought that I didn't take this rel. as seriously as she did. Then started opening up other doors in case. Distanced her self (and clearly used her work as a distraction, hence staying 6 hrs later to play cards with co-workers). Funnily enough, the day before I broke up with her, I ended up having "THAT TALK" with my parents. They basically said "yeah we'd like you to marry a jewish girl, but honestly, you're not marrying her parents, and she's not marrying us, its ultimately up to you" I even told her this on day or breakup, but in the heat of the moment said that she messed that up because she couldn't wait. I think that's it, from my own thoughts. So can this be resolved? Can there be some kind of understanding? I miss her so much, i'm in so much pain, I don't think i'd be having second thoughts unless I really was in love with her, and I was/am. But i guess i feel like i want to know how things got this way...and if it ends up being because she just wasnt interested in me anymore, so be it...and least I have that closure. But in all honesty guys, I feel a little pressured to do this sooner too because this stupid trip abroad is still happening as far as I know, but it shouldn't be for that reason and i understand that.
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reader, eddie +, writes (5 May 2008):
One thing, based on what you say, seems to be possible. She has been communicating with this guy a little too much, in an inappropriate manner, in a way that is misleading to him. She is leaving the door open a crack for this guy to continue fishing.
You have a right to be somewhat jealous in this scenario. There is another guy and he does seem to be interested in your partner. She also seems to be interested in his attention. The fact she is going to be in his company is risky. This other guy probably does not have the best interest of your relationship in mind.
At this point you need to explain why you are jealous. Tell her you snooped and explain why. She will be angry and defensive but she will also know she has been caught. She may try and put the blame on you and maybe you deserve some but she should be able to explain her texts.
Also, it is odd that her friend knew about the guy and asked about him. That does seem to indicate they've discussed him in the past. That would lead you to ask why they would be discussing this stranger and of what importance he has to the business trip. Your snooping has given you the answers or at least an indication that they have been flirting somewhat. Most importantly, this is based on your version of what's happened. She needs to understand why you feel this way. You have to be honest and tell her what you know. If it ends the relationship, so be it. Be calm and hear her out. She needs to hear you too. You do sound a little desperate. Be calm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I don't know what you mean by recent family issues accepting her....recently has your family not made your girlfrieind accepted by them?
It seems to me something has caused your relationship to deteriorate to the point of your jealousy and her seeking attention outside of the relationship from another man.
At some point she stopped adoring you and seeing you in the light you need, you want validation that you are a great man, bestest of the best, and here she is flirting with someone else.
You are not happy that she is working so hard and seeing how it affects you, she may be proud of her accomplishments and feel that you don't appreciate her for what she brings to the table....she wants to be an equal partner, not one that is told what to do all of the time and questioned and pushed into feeling like she is doing something wrong, that she doesn't love you enough....Women want to feel a deep appreciation from their man, and Men want to feel respected....this is a delicate balance and when it goes topsy turvey, very hard to restore...
That said it is worth the effort.
Don't let this blow up in your face, it may not be as black and white as you see it, not as linear as she is telling a coworker she is recently single and so she intends to cheat.
This is a deeper issue that took months or weeks getting here and you both need to take ownership in what has caused your alienation of affections....talking calmly and with heartfelt emotions, not accusations is in order to save the day.....talk about needs and what specific things or behaviors need to change on both your parts to achieve taking care of those needs.
Relationships can and do go off track, but they are what makes a life, so don't give up if you don't want to do so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes but it still doest not justify her telling this guy who's she's meeting abroad that she's single, or justify the fact that she preaches being honest about everything but tells her best friend that its a vacation. Our relationship from what I understand has been extremely great, no rocky roads at all, until the last 2 1/2 weeks. Yes I snooped around but, the reason for me doing that was proven by the conversations she's been having. Whether she's physically cheated yet or not, she's saying she's single to this guy...which says enough to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell guys,
We had dinner plans on Friday, and she blew me off as i waited at home for her for over 6 hrs...she claimed she lost track of time playing cards with co-workers...Finally she came home and I was out with a friend having a drink. When i got home she was passed out asleep as usual...I woke her and said we need to talk...first thing out of her mouth was "are you going to break up with me" I sat her down and looked at the big picture, in that her work has become her entire life, and i feel left in the dust, that's where all of these feelings are coming from...She clearly didn't want to hear it and just said pretty much that here we are again talking about this stuff...it's late she's tired etc. But i really feel that she on multiple occasions has given me the hint to break up with her...I feel this way because clearly she's doing bad and being dishonest, to make me look like the jerk. Because clearly she'd feel somewhat guilty if she had to break up with me to go sleep with some other guy. Bottom line is, she stormed out that night...i tried and i tried saying i wanna make this work i want us to be together. After she stormed out she kept calling and calling all night, and i didn't answer as i felt i didnt have to at that point. Next day she came over and we tried to patch things up one more time. This time i pushed and pushed the "business trip" asking exactly what and where she was going etc. I just could not get it out of her. I said i'd have to collect my thoughts and think about it...she then attacked me saying that "so what am i supposed to just wait for a yes or no answer?" Then she continues to start packing up her clothes from my house...Then I got her to stay and we resolved the issue. She had passed out yesterday afternoon after all this, and i decided one more time to check her cell phone (to look at her work emails). Little did I find more emails between her and this co-worker. They were from the previous night when she blew me off playing cards for 6 hrs. The co-worker emailed her saying that he was drunk and being single sucks...She replied by saying "tell me about it, that's why i'm here playing cards for 6hrs with nothing to do" He then responded by saying "are you single" and she said "recently, yeah"
Now either way, that sealed the deal for me...But she had said she was single to this guy before she even came over to my house where we'd have the 1st heated argument. This I guess is a sign that she clearly wants out...What do I do? I was going to approach her saying " look i know you're going to X country to meet a guy, you've told the world that you're single, you're going on vacation etc" What would you like to do? Put the ball in her hands since she's clearly made a decision. Thoughts? I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): first, let me tell you,I went throught something like that. my ex gf said that she wanted to go on a "little vacation" with a bunch of her friends. well, in that group of friends there was this co-worker who liked her (i knew this because i saw couple of "inappropriate" text messages and stupid comments online)I was really concerned about this so I decided to find out what was going on, to make a long story short she ended up sleeping with this guy. now, she wants to get back to me even though she was honest and told me. i cant take someone like that who betrayed me. she is regreting it but its too late. if i was you should try to find out before it gets to that level. good luck buddy! PS: this is one of my quotes "love someone 90% but always keep that 10% of a doubt" i hope it make sense.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 There really is no easy answer to this.
The weekend thing is odd but many a convention is held over a weekend so it all depends on what kind of business trip we are talking about.
Her excuse of her going to be busy sounds reasonable BUT that would hardly stop you from going to the same place and having a holiday while she is working right?
She hasn't done anything wrong yet, it could all be perfectly innocent and all she is thinking about now is why you are behaving so oddly. Remember, all your suspicions so far are in your mind alone.
If you accuse her you got no evidence and worsted of all you might be accusing a perfectly innocent person of a very serious matter.
The only thing you can really do is wait. See what happens and try to put this away so you don't ruin what you two got by becoming this obsessed paranoid lover.
It is a hard thing to do but remember NOTHING has happened except in your own mind so far.
The co-worker, well lots of people have relations with their co-worker, hers might just be that he fancies her and for diplomatic reasons she just puts up with it because blowing him off might ruin the atmosphere.
Maybe she really does just need the space. Yes "needing space" if you read problem sites like these if often code for "I want to get out and meet others" but that is because the people who just need a bit of space and then everything just works out don't post on problem sites.
Don't convict her for your own thoughts but consider yourself warned.
Finally, fix the problems from your side of the family, that should really be your first concern since that is what is driving the two of you apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe other problem is, all the information I found out about the flirtatious comments, and the fact that it's a vacation trip (conversations between my gf and her best friend), is all information I am not supposed to know, but I snooped around because I was worried. Only problem is, I cannot mention that I know any of that, because she'll figure out i've looked through her texts/emails, and that will be the end of it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo i ended up speaking to her over the phone tonight...Obviously I could only talk to her about the stuff I am "supposed to" know. She was right on a bunch of notes...She has a now more demanding job since people were layed off recently, so she's taken on several roles...Understood. I asked repeatedly why I couldn't come on the trip with her and she kept saying its for business and she will be traveling to other cities in that country...She figured she'd stay an extra two days since she'll already be there. Although she asked me what if it were me to fly to Japan for business, wouldn't I want to stay longer etc? My answer was yes, BUT I firstly would of asked if she would like to come with me/take off work, NOT buy the tickets and then tell her. But even when I said why would you be going on a business trip over memorial day weekend, she said it's not a holiday in X country...But then I just thought of this now, that it IS THE WEEKEND...
So my only issue is this co-worker guy. I admit, I snooped around a little bit and found some of this stuff via her texts and emails...and I didn't like doing it, believe me, but the co-worker (who lives in the city where she's traveling to for 5 days), was the one who started the flirtatious talking, but what hurts most is that she responded by saying "you're pretty cute yourself"...When she's supposed to be in love with me etc. The other thing which I can't figure out and which i'm not supposed to know (from the texts between her and her best friend)...is still the fact that she (my gf) said she was going on Vacation and the first answer from the best friend is does X (co-worker) know?
She's staying there from the 22-27 of May. This co-worker guy is busy until the 25th and that's where i think the extra two days part comes in. The co-worker doesnt live in the city that she's traveling to, but a nearby town. Now keep in mind, all the emails back and forth with those two, are mostly business. But it concerns me that I have never heard her mention his name to me before, but the best friend seemed to immediately ask if he knows she's coming...not am I coming?
So I guess I'm not sure where to take this...She told me tonight (via phone) straight up and honest, that if she would cheat on me she would dump me first, so she could/would never cheat on me. She said she's still attracted to me, in love, and loves me. And by the way I know i've been calling him a co-worker but technically, they are a client of the company my GF works at.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): Go anyways without her knowing about it. Stay low key and see for yourself what she up to. Trust me if your thinking the worse it aint going to get any better while your at home and she is away doing God knows what. Its just my opinion, I am not saying its right, but its probably what I would do.
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reader, eddie +, writes (1 May 2008):
You're injecting words like... "conveniently over Labor Day weekend"... into the story to bolster your angle. The particular weekend is of nor issue.
If the co worker was the one who said..."you look really hot in those pictures", that was inappropriate. That is, of course, unless they have some sort of rapport they've established that is somewhat flirtatious. Sometimes distance and lack of physical contact can make that type of thing seem OK. Of course it can also build the level of anticipation about the actual meeting that will take place.
Insisting you're going with her won't help. It makes you look desperate. The information from her friend sounds a little incriminating. The fact she mentioned the other guy leads me to imagine they've spoken about him.
I can see why you are worried. Your girlfriend probably thinks she's going to go away and have fun. She knows there is some amount of flirting with this other guy, based on what you've said. To me, that is playing with fire and not a great idea.
You mentioned things you've found out. How did you get the information you've got? What does your girlfriend say about your accusations? What type of work does she do? What do you know about the guy? Have they met? How is hse feeling toward you?
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (1 May 2008):
Your story certainly would raise a huge red flag for me.
What type of business trip takes 5 days anyway and if she is making a holiday out of it, why doesn't she want you along.
Is she the type to cheat? The flirting might just be the way she always is, you know her best.
Can't say if she is planning to cheat but she certainly seems to be given herself plenty of room to do so. Lets face it, you paying for your own ticket would give you both a chance to get away from troubles. So why not take it?
Be wary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): There are quite a few ways to interpret this. It sounds more likely that this trip is a vacation for her. But that doesn't mean she's cheating. More likely she just wants some space. You said things have been a little down. So maybe she just wants some fun time without you around. She probably told you it was a business trip because its not easy to tell your partner that you want to have fun without them.The only thing you have control over here is your own emotions. Can you handle this situation? It's not worth being in a relationship where you're constantly worried about what your partner did/will do. Make the decision to trust her or not. If you do, don't mention it to her. If it bothers you too much then end it now because it will end eventually. Very simple and no drama. Also try to stop makin it about what she wants to do. Concentrate on what you did to make her not want you to go. Your post comes off as slightly jealous. Maybe she feels trapped when you go out together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): We don't know what she's up to. But you do have the right as the other half of this relationship---to be honest and voice your deep concerns. Tell her that her unusual behaviors and the information you have about this trip, are leading you to believe you can't trust her and that she is not being honest with you. Talking and communicating in a truthful way, is crucial to a healthy, functioning relationship. You need to find out straight from her---about what is really going on. Sit her down and have that talk. And good luck.
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