A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have had an on and off relationship with my girlfriend for the past 3 years almost. We have been living together for 2 years and she does a lot around the house and is helpful. The problem is that she can be very moody and quick to anger over small things. She is in therapy and we previously saw a couples therapist. Some days are great and others I feel like I’m walking on eggshells to not upset her.The other day she was outside doing a lot of gardening work and I ordered her lunch as a nice surprise. She was busy doing stuff and didn’t come in until later, by then the food was cold. She proceeds to get extremely upset with me, telling me I’m rude/selfish and should have waited for her to finish and saying I don’t consider her feelings and it went on and on. I had texted her to let her know I ordered food but her phone was inside and she didn’t see it. Am I the jerk here? I think we have different communication and love language styles so that’s hard but it’s difficult when I feel like she’s 2 different people. My friends already don’t like her because of previous issues we have had (that were admittedly much worse). I feel like things are generally better but then stuff like this happens and I feel knocked back. Thanks for your thoughts
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2021): With all due respect your friends not liking her is not absolute validation.I moved in with my boyfriend and used to plan nice evenings in which I would cook us a nice meal and very frequently he would simply not come home and would go and sit in his local with his friends. I tried communicating with him, agreeing on evenings he would go out do I knew and to no avail he would still simply not come back.I gave him silent treatment, told him to stay back at his mum's, obviously tried talking and explaining how hurtful it was and on the odd occasion went into the pub to try and get him to come home.He eventually left me for a month, basically told me the relationship was over, I met someone else and we had a short fling, my ex returned, found out, hit the roof and basically said I cheated.Based on that his friends and family don't like me because they have HIS version and not mine and maybe my version is irrelevant because they also sit in a pub and don't go back to their partners so your friends opinion is irrelevant as they are not in the relationship.You used this as an example and quite honestly it's a poor one because you was in the house so could have easily have called her in, seems strange that you would just have allowed her food to go cold instead of using your nogging and to go outside to call her in rather than just assume she has her phone to hand while gardening? Take some responsibility sir and think through your actions..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2021): Using this as an example doesn't indicate that she's in the wrong, I would be annoyed in her shoes.You sound like you have the best intentions though, but taking this as an example just highlights that you didn't really think it through, why would you have not just popped outside to tell her the food was there instead of leaving it to go cold? Sorry but I would be thinking the same lines. You sound very much like me and my boyfriend in that your communication falls short and she ends up frustrated and lashes out, I think you can both clearly improve on your communication but little things will happen from time to time that will result in her reacting. Clearly there are other things that have happened and only you know the history to know if it falls in line with this as an example
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A
female
reader, Chim  +, writes (22 May 2021):
I think on your part you are doing good, but as we know that in relationships only communication doesn't work, you know this proverb " Action speak louder than words". While you waited for her and she seems busy, you should have checked up on her, or should have taken the foods you prepared to her, this way maybe she might not a fuss about it.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I think it was a thoughtful gesture of you, but if she was literally working outside in the garden why did you send a text. If i'm doing gardening work like weeding or mowing the lawn i would leave my phone inside as well, or on the garden table.
I think if it was me i would have called over and said, " hey i am going to order some lunch in, do you fancy that " She might have said that's lovely, but just give me an hour so i can finish this, so you know when to order by.
I think communication is key here, a good portion of relationship problems would be resolved if communication was a little better.
When things like this happen, learn from it, and know to do it different next time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I don't think you are a jerk for ordering some lunch.
I think it would have made more sense to go OUTSIDE and let her know hey, good is here, I figured you could use a lunch break. Instead of sending a text. Ignoring that she didn't come inside so the food got cold is a little... asshat-ish. Even if you didn't mean that.
Most people don't like things like food that is meant to be eaten warm. I mean there is nothing worse to eat than some cold crinkle fries :(
But this is moot now.
I think these are all little lessons on how to improve.
Is she still in therapy? Are you?
If you have to be honest, does the good outweigh the bad in your relationship?
To me, it sounds toxic that there are days you feel you have to walk on eggshells. Now I get that we ALL have good days and bad - but is she not aware AT ALL as to how she affect YOU? How her moodiness impacts not only her but those around her?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? With her?
What if she doesn't improve further than this?
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