A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay, I need a some different points of view on this to help me understand. As of 6 months ago I started dating my current girlfriend. She is a wonderful girl and I'm totally in love with her and she says she is totally in love with me. However, sometimes, I get this feeling like she isn't totally over her ex. Now, for the background on that. They were engaged over a year, and together a total of 3 years.They had been broken up a year when we met. He was a drug addict, and was addicted to cocaine and heroin. He assualted her several times physically that I know of. He went to rehab several times, and relapsed several times. I know it scarred her severely. Eventually she grew tired of dealing with him, and broke off the engagement. Now, to the problem. She has pictures of him on her computer, she has letters he wrote her and cards he gave her in a box in her closet, and she says they are good friends now even though they didn't work out. Now, my problem is, I don't want my girlfriend near this guy because I'm afraid he's going to get high on drugs and come assault her when I'm gone. I know he has called her and told her she will break up with me to get back with him eventually. However, she still sees him alot because she goes to a salon he works at (yeah, he does hair for a living) and she keeps him as a friend on facebook and looks at his profile all the time. She has made small comments here and there about "always having a special place for him in her heart", and he was the "hottest guy in town" and the "best looking guy I ever dated." She said them to my face too! Now, I don't know about you, but comments like that make me suspicious. Also, another factor that is effecting me right now is the fact of about a 3 months ago we found out she was pregnant. Yes, we are having a baby. Its a great thing and I'm so happy, but I can't get this guy put of my head! I feel like when I'm with her, she is wishing I was him! I feel like she wishes he was the daddy! She tells me that she thinks about him alot, but "not in any kind of romantic way." I feel like I'm paranoid and jealous, even though I know I'm a good guy, with good moral values who treats her the right way. Whenever I have brought this up, she gets so defensive and starts crying, then calls me crazy. What really kills me is that she defends their friendship instead of honoring my wishes. All I want her to do is break contact with him since he hurt her so bad, both physically and mentally, but when I ask her too, she gets super-defensive and I can't help but ask myself why she does that. I'm not as good looking as him at all, I know that. I know I'm a better person though and I treat her better for sure. I just can't get these feelings out of my head. One more tidbit of info, she was a graphic design major in school, and I know she is a very "looks oriented" person. She cares about what she looks like very much, and about what I look like. Please, anybody who comments, be straightforward with your answers, I need to hear the blunt truth.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): She isn't over him. And still has feelings for him. The extent of those feelings only she knows. But you know that he will ALWAYS be after her.
I used to be in the exact same situation as you with my gf. We fought constantly over this. I would try to explain how it made me feel uncomfortable and how I thought we needed to have an exclusive relationship. How much I loved her, etc... And she would argue that I was just being jealous. They were just friends and it was innocent. That they had known each other a long time and she didn't see the harm in it, etc..
I tried so hard to be ok with it and to not let the doubts eat away at me but I was always just not myself. Mad, doubtful, secod guessing her. I decided that was no way to live my life. I gave her an ultimatum. But not by telling her anything. By ending it with her. No more arguments. I told her she was free to do whatever she felt was right. And if keeping this guys friendship was worth our relationship to her then that's what it would be.
I was scared to death of losing her but in the end you want a woman who won't put your needs after her wants. You need to feel like you're the only guy in her life. It's natural. Every man should feel this. And she's not giving you that, I'm sure you do this for her.
Two options.
Do something about it.
Or don't. But stop complaining about it or bringing it up.
There can never be a compromise.
In my case I ended it with my girlfriend and it made her realize what she was losing and she ended all contact with her ex.
That doesn't mean that's how yours will react. Just telling you what happened with me.
We are engaged now and ever since I put my foot down so to speak she has been a totally different woman. More loving, I just feel like her ex still had a part of her and after she stopped talking to him she was able to give herself completely to me.
A
male
reader, popeye78  +, writes (13 February 2010):
I think she cares for her ex. BUT does not in anyway want a romantic relationship with him, she does with you! When two people share thier lives together they will always have that small bond. Sorry but that is the way it is.
She obviously helped him through some tough times and wants to make sure that he is ok.
You should be the bigger man and accept this, you will get respect form your girlfreind, however there is no problem in discussing this problem calmly with your girlfreind, it is understanderble that you will feel a lil worried about this, I think every man would.. it is fair for you to set reasonable boundaries. Try not to let it ruin a good relationship. Think of the baby too, Im sure when the baby comes things will be different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Oh dear...
Well, the fact that she ADMITS to thinking of him often, looks at his profile often and "has a special place in her heart" for him is pretty much all of the proof you need. Even if she never has any intentions of dating the guy again, she definitely has too strong of a connection with him. Those types of things should be reserved for you...not her abusive ex.
I'd give her an ultimatum - as bad as that sounds. It's either you or him because her relationship with him is clearly deeper than just friendship. If she truly respects you and loves YOU (and not him), she'll respect your wishes and understand your perspective. It's unfair of her to place you in a position to feel like you still have to compete with somebody else for her attention. If it continues, you aren't going to be happy and there's no point in continuing the relationship.
If she opts for him over you, then clearly she isn't worth your time if she puts value on an abusive drug addict. You'd still have rights to your baby.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): I really don't envy you my friend. In my opinion it seems clear that she is not over her ex. This doesn't mean anything really, she isn't fully over him and may never be. this doesn't mean you can't get on with your lives together. I know jealousy is a horrible thing to live with but over time you will learn to trust her fully. I think if she's with you then you definitely shouldn't do anything to push her away!!
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