A
male
age
41-50,
*erylostinspace
writes:We met online 4 months ago. Everything went fine and we started dating. She seemed like a nice, independent young woman (early thirties). She had a job, rented alone an apartment etc. After two and a half months her landlord told her that the apartment she had been interested in was available. It was bigger and more expensive and she asked me what I thought about moving in with her. As we’re both in our early thirties it didn’t sound like a crazy idea at the time. If the things don’t work out, we’d find a solution for everything…The day we moved in, she called me from a hospital. I thought she had an accident. It turned out that she had taken a lot of sleeping pills and went to ER by herself! I was petrified. Doctors wouldn’t tell me anything as I’m not her husband. Then, she took a sick leave that has lasted for a month and a half and she still can’t think about going back to work because “it’s too stressful”. It turned out that she’s done that before and that she’s been hospitalized on a psych ward etc. I had no idea…. she never told me.I even took a few days off myself to be there for her. But now I think that things are getting out of control. She saw her gynecologist who told her to get off the pill. We stopped having sex at that point because she’s uncomfortable using condoms. I told her I really don’t want to risk her getting pregnant. She tried initiating sex a few times, but I held my ground.I’m still in love with her, I just feel that my world’s falling apart. Especially because nobody in my family thinks that there’s anything wrong. They adore her and feel sorry for her. OK, to be honest, I know they want me to be happy (I haven’t had much luck in love) and she is really nice to them.I don’t know if I’m just being overwhelmed by everything, but now I seem to remember certain things in another light. At the time I didn’t pay much attention, but it was mostly me who kept paying for everything (new furniture, appliances…). My girlfriend has even let my sister buy some things for us. I didn’t think much of it then, but no it seems weird that she was so comfortable with everything.I feel as if she’s somebody else now, as if she waited to “close the deal” in a way before showing her real face. I keep telling myself that it’s temporary. She’ll get better, but I can’t get over the fact that she waited to have someone to lean on before having this crisis. I hate myself for it, but I feel a bit cheated. And I hate myself more for even thinking that.She made me promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone what she did. Instead we lied she had a flu. When she saw my sister she broke into tears and told her everything! I couldn’t help but thinking that she seeking attention. I’m not saying that she’s not really ill, but I’m afraid that she may be trying to manipulate us. In the end, I have no idea if she took the pills or not… II want her to be well, but it scares me more to think that she didn’t take the pills that she just wants us to think so… I’m going out of my mind.I was once already in an unhealthy codependent relationship and I don’t want to find myself in that situation again.Whenever I try to talk to her she starts crying or says that she has "black thoughts"...What can I do?
View related questions:
condom, met online, moved in, sleeping pills, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (14 March 2015):
 I don't know the rules in the UK, but if she is from a different country, does she have a proper work visa to even work?? I just thought of that one. How does the UK handle foreign health issues??
If she is from a foreign country, how do you know that you're not being used to gain work status or citizenship in your country?
I'm saying it again - I think you're being scammed.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2015):
 You know, I think it's great that you take SOME responsibility, but seriously IT IS perfectly normal to have rose tinted glasses on in the beginning of a relationship. For you to move in that fast was in HINDSIGHT not the best idea. But if SHE had been the girl she "advertised" and "sold" to you, it might have been a whole other story.
So DO NOT take responsibility for HER actions and "shortcomings". She CHOSE to not tell you about her mental health issues, her issues with work/stress, family issues and so forth. YOU couldn't have foreseen all that.
To jump in with both feet is admirable. So DO NOT beat yourself up that you couldn't foresee all this drama.
But DO NOT stick your head in the sand. I'd say rather go with the band-aid analogy and RIP that sucker off, GET IT DONE.
...............................
A
male
reader, verylostinspace +, writes (13 March 2015):
verylostinspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank you ALL enough for taking the time to help me.Her family lives in another country. I started having a feeling that my gf moved here to start a new life and leave her troubled past behind, where everybody knew what kind of problems she had had.And another thing, now I find it weird that her parents, even before they met me, were so delighted with me. We talked on the phone a couple of times and they were overjoyed when she told them we were moving in together. I guess that should have been a major red flag... back then I was just happy that everything was going smoothly.I took two days off from work next to deal with this. I find it had to talk about it even with my friends. At the same time I want out and I want to bury my head in the sand. I guess I'm in shock. I know I need to deal with this as soon as possible. I feel uncomfortable because I already know what I need to do and she's going about her business blissfully unaware of what's going to happen. I feel as if it is I who has cheated her somehow. Maybe I led her believe that I will support her no matter what. One of the worst parts is that I started doubting everything that she said/says and I know only what she tells me. When I look at our photos, not only does she seem like a different person, I look at myself and have no idea what I thought...I talked again with my parents and they're OK with me possibly staying with them until I find an apartment (I’ll need two weeks tops). I know my gf has no place to go, so it'll be for the best if I left. I'll help her with the rent for a month, until then she has to find a solution. She still gets her paycheck, because she’s on the paid sick leave, but I don’t know for how long her bosses will go along with this. She may find herself with where little income very soon. I now my sister loves me and maybe she was too happy for me being happy and moving in with someone that she just couldn't see. I found it weird that she paid for some stuff and had I been there I would have refused. I'm beginning to worry that somehow my gf pushed her a bit (I don't want to blame everything on her, my sister's responsible for her own actions). My gf’s former apartment was smaller and yes she did have some appliances which we kept. So, she won't have to start from scratch. I we'll take all my stuff and let her at least use whatever I paid for until she moves out and then we'll see. Yes. It is possible that some of her stuff was bought by her last boyfriend. I don’t know…I know that it’s my fault. I wanted to believe that it is possible for life to just be good (sorry for this drama on my part). I wanted to fall in love, I wanted to find someone I could share my life with… and she can be pretty great, compassionate, fun to be with. We could talk about everything. We shared a lot. The problems we had, we faced them and solved them… I thought that we had a good chance of making it… The only thing I really can’t stand is lying and manipulation. It freaks me out.And… I can’t help but think about how all of this is going to look like. We moved out faster than we moved in (and that says a lot). I know I should care about what other people think, but I feel heartbroken and stupid at the same time. And I know that she’ll feel betrayed. If she’s really ill she won’t be able to see it any other way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2015):
I understand that you feel responsible for her. But what you have SEEN from her is the TIP of the iceberg. I think there is a LOT more drama to come if YOU do not extract yourself soon.
Like WiseOwlE so methodically wrote - give her 30 days to either get back to work and/or find a new place as neither OF you can afford the new place alone. (which in hindsight should have TOLD you it was a bad idea).
YOU fell in love with an idea. With am ideal fantasy girl. The girl SHE FABRICATED to get you interested and "hooked". Reality is... SHE IS NOT that girl. When you say you LOVE HER - you actually don't. YOU love the girl you THOUGHT she was.
Wanting an independent partner I get. Someone who CAN and WILL take care of themselves. Who isn't a total "dependapotimus". Who CAN in fact take care of herself IF it turns sour or doesn't work, LIKE your relationship did.
SHE knows EXACTLY how to play you already, just like she knows how to PLAY your sister and the REST of your family.
YOU NEED to tell your family what is going on. And I'm SURE they will WANT to help YOU.
TAKE WiseOwlE's advice to heart and SET IT IN motion.
Yes, she might decide to do her "drama" thing and HAVE to go to the ER - hopefully they will KEEP her a while. SHE needs HELP. But can you imagine your future where EVERY TIME you disagree she will try and OD and go to the ER?
Where is HER family in all this?
...............................
A
male
reader, verylostinspace +, writes (13 March 2015):
verylostinspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking time to reply… I get what you say and I know what I have to do. It’s just hard.
I talked to my parents last night. They were not as shocked as I thought they would be when I explained how I felt. They like her, but they too think her behavior is alarming.
I decided to talk to my gf somewhere in public and keep it really businesslike. I’m afraid that if I do it at home that she’ll do something drastic. To herself. Not me. And I feel like a jerk. But… I know what she did isn’t nice either.
I really think that she has mental issues and that she’s not doing this because she’s evil. Whatever… I need to solve this.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2015): Thatwas a interesting read as I had many tough running through my mind reading your post. First, 4 months. This is way too early to move in together or even think of anyone as a long term companion. This is still a stage when people are trying to get to now each other. Second, you put emphasis on a woman being independent. Is this is what you are looking in a partner, a total independence from you? Thats a bit alarming for me, as I see it as a man who will have a woman in his life until she has problems where she wants him to participate. In my eyes it's a deal breaker. So, reading further on, I was trying to see the bigger picture.,Third, your family really surprises me. They don't even know her, and they love her. They might find her pleasant, but not above concerns about you. To answer your questions about her manipulating you. I don't think it's that important at this point. What is important though that she is unstable. Whether she overdosed herself on sleeping pills or not we will never find out, but the episode itself is an indication of her not being stable and may be a bit addicted. Take a person like me and you,would you take an access of sleeping pills?,and why is she taking them anyway? She is too young to have sleep problems, and if she does, there are plenty of natural ways to treat them, but not going for highly addictive drugs. Then the crying in front of your sister, and telling her everything is a bit unessesesary drama for me. What I see here is a woman with a strange activities going on, that you know for a very short time, who for some reason managed to convince you to move in with her, and on top of everything to pay for all the things. And why, may I ask, your sister is buying stuff for you guys?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 March 2015):
 It does sound like a trap. She is too sick for work but not too sick for sex. I don't know what kind of person overdoses on sleeping pills if she does not have a sleep problem. This kind of deceitful behavior must have started at childhood. As a school girl she probably faked being sick to avoid school. She studied human behavior in order to learn how to get people's sympathy. She probably knows how to work her charm too. To be admitted to a psych ward one needs a diagnosis. I won't be surprised some people would fake a mental disorder to get what they want, such as disability and a free place to sleep at night.
I feel very sad that there are many people who hide under a cloak of competence. You may think that she is at an age where her biological clock is ticking and she is so desperate to trick a man into marriage. To have planned all this, is sick though. It's either she felt too sick but worry about finances that she thought about being pregnant by you so you could support her, or she had planned all this before. I also won't be surprised if she actually had a child somewhere else.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 March 2015):
It sounds like you now know the real her. I hate to say it, but do you want this person to be the mother of your children? She had issues that may be able to be fixed but are you willing to wait?
...............................
A
male
reader, verylostinspace +, writes (12 March 2015):
verylostinspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you WiseOwlE for your reply. She's been on the sick leave for month and a half and she's looking to prolong it. And yes, that terrifies me. At first I didn't want to make her feel inadequate and tell her what to do. But I can't support her on the long run, even if I wanted to.She keeps saying that she'd like to have a different job, but does nothing to actually find it. I'll try and keep it businesslike, but I know she'll freak out. And this is the second time I've heard "borderline". The first time was when she got out of the hospital. Back then I was freaking out, because the doctors seemed disinterested. She casually mentioned that when she was younger one of the shrinks she saw told her she was borderline, but others didn't. Anyway, the only info I have about her condition comes from her.It'll be hard... I really fell in love with the person who isn't there.... I guess I too may have misled her. I'm a listener and I take care of people. To make matters worse, I'm quiet by nature. I need time to process things. Maybe she felt safe with someone like me... on the slower side... maybe she thought that somehow I would be the one to take care of her.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 March 2015):
Never move in after only 4 months together! Neither of you knows each other that well. And how can you be in actual love after that little bit of time? Infatuation, sure! But the woman you think you fell in love with doesn't exist. She misrepresented herself. Two and a half months into your relationship (you met online), she asks to move in and then had the mental breakdown.
You need to run, and run fast. She's the type of person who would use your personal information for her own gain, like loans and credit and stuff.
Seriously, she's manipulating you, lying to you, and you're in really hot water right now. Time to get out of this situation, and FAST. Before she gets pregnant and says it's yours. Courts could make you pay child support even if the child isn't proven to be yours. You are her meal ticket, and you're being scammed.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): I agree with every word Honeypie says!
I feel your instincts are correct. She is manipulating and possibly a very calculating person. Insist on condoms during sex no matter what. You can't trust that she is on the pill, even if she says she is. As bazaar as this whole story unfolds, I can see how she could benefit from everything that happens.
What always ties the hands of the uncles and aunts when giving advice, is the inevitable phrase: "I'm still in love with her." So, advice will most likely not be seriously considered. Right now, you're only suspicious; just be open-minded and keep your eyes open for facts.
You indicated that you'd find a solution if things didn't workout. Well, if you are now full of suspicions and she isn't working; it is time you consider a solution, and work on a plan.
Write-out an agreement offering her 30 days to return to work; or you must find another place to live. It is now time to take a stance. Of course she is being very nice; but there was an agreement to share rent and living-expenses. She has broken that agreement. Now create a new one. If you break your lease, you will lose your deposit. Stay on good terms with your landlord. So, give the landlord a copy of this signed- agreement; and send a certified letter you're breaking the lease by mail, for a signed delivery receipt. Your letter should inform him you have to break the lease; because she is unable to uphold her agreement to pay her share. Look for something small and affordable. Staying with her will get you deeper and deeper into whatever plot she's weaving. Then your emotional-attachment will become "protective;" and force you to continue to submit to a situation you feel totally uncomfortable with. The longer your stay, the harder it becomes to leave. See an attorney regarding your legal rights, so you do everything regarding the lease-agreement within local statutes.
Explain to her, that if she is unable to go back to work in 30 days, you will be unable to support her and pay all the bills. So if necessary; you will break the lease, forfeit your deposit, and find another place to live.
Your family doesn't have to live with this woman, so their opinions are of little to no consequence. Let her go to her dark thoughts!!! Then she'll show her true colors. That was a veiled threat. If she drove herself to the hospital after taking pills, she doesn't want to do "herself" any harm. If you sit and knowingly concede to the situation, you limit your legal-rights, and if law-enforce must be invited into the situation; your side of the story becomes very shaky.
If you knew all this, then you'll have to explain why you stayed in spite of it? Love, is a laughable answer to a cop.
One thing is evident, if nothing else. She's a sick woman.
An "unprofessional-guess" on my part, is that she is bipolar and/or has a borderline-personality disorder. Only a trained psychologist or psychiatrist, can make a diagnosis after giving her a professional-evaluation. These people can be very very crafty. You'll eventually note many changes in her personality. Inappropriate anger or fear of abandonment. Which is why she will try and entrap you by pregnancy, or using a binding-financial situation.
She is assuring herself of having a man. She will go to any length to do so. Now you have to get yourself out of this; while letting her know that you're standing by the original agreement on living arrangements. No need to show aggression. No need for confrontation. Just handle it very business-like. She has come to the point of taking, and not giving. So she's already having dark thoughts. Your family will side with her based solely on appearances and sympathy. You see it from all angles. So, time can be the enemy here. You should get her to sign the agreement to get back to work, or you have to move. Make it her choice.
If she refuses (and she most likely will); be sure to give your landlord 30-days notice that you must move. Forfeit your deposit, if necessary. She has already manipulated her way into your family to keep track of your movements and intentions about her. Keeping secrets about unstable behavior of people you're dating from your family, is foolish. Then you'll have no credibility in their eyes, when outrageous things happen that they don't get to witness. Her every move is calculated and hard to get around. Leaving is how you get yourself out of it. If she ends up doing something crazy, get a restraining order.
Let your family in on what she did to herself. Why would you agree to hiding something like that? It is never a wise decision to hold information about suicidal-tendencies in someone you're romantically involved with. If you see signs of unstable behavior; it is in the protection of all involved to know what you suspect, whether you're right or wrong. Often family and friends are reliable witnesses when things go completely sour. She knows how to tie every loose-end. Just pretend to be none the wiser. In her craftiness, she'll know you caught-on. That is when the real desperation will expose itself. You'll have your exit-plan already in motion.
...............................
A
male
reader, verylostinspace +, writes (12 March 2015):
verylostinspace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Honeypie for your answer. I know that you're right. I just feel so awful. I'm not going to be the bad guy, I'll be the worst. The problem is that she can't afford this apartment on her own. She's already repeated that several times... as she feels, without a doubt, that I'm having second thoughts...Her landlord has already rented her smaller apartment to someone else so I can't even ask her to go back there and stay here (although it would be odd living in the same building).It's just hard to accept this new situation. Believe me, it's like a completely different person. There was really no way to know it. Except, I remember the reaction of her friend when we announced we were moving in. She looked surprised. My girlfriend was very disappointed with her, because she told her when they were alone that it wasn't good idea as my girlfriend would not be financially independent. At the time I thought this friend had little faith in me, or us as a couple, but now, I don't know... she may have known her better than I did...I don't care about the stuff, I just don't know how to solve this.I still love her, or maybe that idea I had of her... Without the experience of the previous bad relationship, I doubt I would be able to see things the way I do know...f she gets fired before we solve this, she'll have no place to go.I'l sure that when I raise the question of finding another apartment, she'll make another trip to the ER... on foot, we live near by...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): I think you need to get out of this and soon!. Talk to the landlord right away to see what you can do to get your own lease & leave her in her own.
Sounds like she is playing on your feelings for her in this brand new relationship to force you into supporting her financially & emotionally. Why move in so fast after just a couple months? Did you discuss what her part of the rent & utilities will be & has she ever paid it? If no, not a good sign.
Where are her belongings? Why, if in her 30's and living on her own for so long, doesn't she have furniture and appliances? Did you really see her former place? Bet it was with another guy who got smart & kicked her out.
Definately continue abstaining from sex with her. Sounds like she is trying to get pregnant for a paycheck to me. Sad that women do this, it gives motherhood a bad name (puposefully single parent!).
Please do not pay for anything else for her. Keep your monies separate, and do not leave any of your personal paperwork, bank statements, etc around the house. Get a shredder and shred them, or get them online with a password that she does not have access to.
Additionally, she may have pulled this scam before. Do you know any of her family or friends yet? Oh, yeah, she probably has deceased family, or issues with past aquaintances and friends, horrible exes, etc. All part of the scam. Go to the police station & have them do a background check on her. Find some of her family/past friends and see if they will tell you anything about her past. You need to know.
She is emotionally blackmailing you when she says "I have black thoughts" anytime you bring up these issues with her. She is just saying this to deflect you from your questions that she doesn't want to deal with. Also to make you feel sorry for her and pay for her all around. Do not be deflected! She may very well be sick, mentally ill, but this is NOT your problem. She needs to deal with this, not you!
Basically, she is a grown woman. Should have a job, her own belongings, home, etc. and be able to support herself. Don't be the sucker she saw in your online profile please, you deserve so much better than this black hole of a relationship.
I hope you can get out before she breaks you, I am pulling for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2015):
Yikes! YES she is (not trying, but ABSOLUTELY) manipulating you.
She is not the stable girl you THOUGHT you were going to date.
I think she manipulated you from the start. Like the whole apartment business. IT was rather "magical" timing that it opened up in the time-frame of your relationship where you thought you knew what kind of girl she was. RED flag.
Taking sleeping pills and then driving herself to the hospital? That is NOT someone suicidal, that is attention seeking behavior. SHE has done this before. RED flag.
She is also trying to get you to knock her up. Another RED flag.
Personally, I'd find a place YOU can afford on your own and TAKE with you the things you BOUGHT and paid for as... YOU own them, then sit her down and tell her it's not working.
And now that you have tried a few times to TALK to her, she again use emotional blackmail - "black thought" is he HINTING that if you bring up tough topics she will threaten suicide.
I get that you care for her and worry what she might or might not do, but if you stay.... she will not improve. YOU can not fix this girl. She has issues that SHE needs to deal with. Staying with her won't help, it's ALREADY enabling her to quit her job and being "taken care off" by someone who doesn't know 1/100 of her actual history.
I'm sorry. I'd be out of there asap.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2015): Bring a qualified therapist/counsellor to your flat with you when you talk to her and then leave (offer her to pay for the counsellor-for 3-5 sessions IF she is willing to get the help). But then she needs to sort it all out by herself-the flat, the bills for counselling,all.Tell her that IF she is NOT willing to receive help then there's nothing you can do and that this has turned toxic for you. You're not her family (yet)...I reckon,you will never be... I'd be grateful that this happened so quickly! You're not fully tied in yet!She might not be lying to you, she might really be mentally unwell (especially if it happened in the past too) BUT even if we accept that this is the case, she SHOULD sort herself out first and not enter into a relationship in such volatile/unstable condition.Break it gently to her, but basically tell her you're not her carer. Having the counsellor there whilst you do this is the best because IF she is manipulative it should be easier to circumvent with proper,qualified help (have a short 30min session with him first to explain to him/her how you feel and then arrange a home visit for a couple of days later).DO NOT warn her about it-IF she really is as manipulative as you say that will just give her time to "prepare" for her meeting with the counsellor. Get out and rent a room for a month/two till you get back on your feet (financially!)Then and only then (we're speaking 6-12 months down the line) IF she has properly recovered by then, then you can give it another shot. IF NOT- you got rid of a manipulative person at an early stage. Refusing to communicate by crying etc.- that's not a healthy relationship.
...............................
|
