A
male
age
36-40,
*-man84
writes:Hello anyone reading this...My girlfriend of 5 months just broke up with me tonight. I'm 23, and she's 20. We are in a long distance thing (we're talking 300 miles, as we go to different schools, but we have the same home town). We're able to see eachother about once a month for at least several days. Everything had been going pretty well, we were feeling really close, and I think I know her well enough to say she wouldn't lie/conceal anything from me. But we spoke tonight and she was just incredibly unhappy with herself, as she explained it. It seemed like she was saying she felt isolated and disconnected despite having many friends around her (most of whom are genuinely good people, I believe). The thing to understand about her is she's a very strong person, she works very hard in school and at her job, and loves to party too. She often puts others before herself. She said she felt ugly, felt like slitting her wrists (she has no history of this or other self-destructive behavior, but I don't believe she was being melodramatic), and like curling up under a rock. She said she didn't feel like she could give me what I deserve, that she can't love me before she loves herself. She told me she needed to be alone, but that she still wants to talk to me, and come see me next month, and that I'm "the only good thing in her life right now." I guess I don't understand why she'd want to push me away. I want to be there for her more than anything, and help her through this difficult time in whatever way I can. Is there any possible hidden meaning in her statements that I should consider? What should I do?
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male
reader, Z-man84 +, writes (29 May 2008):
Z-man84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten. You both provided a perspective that rings true to me...I have since spoken to her and it sounded like she was also hiding being unhappy with certain things about me (things her friends had been nagging to her about me, apparently, in an attempt to convince her I'm not a good man for her)...as I said before, I haven't been perfect, but I can't help but think maybe she's shifting her focus onto my negative aspects to, perhaps, make dumping me slightly easier on herself...does that sound bad? She made it clear to me yesterday that she "wasn't trying to hurt me" but that she thinks we should be just be friends...I still feel very strongly towards her and I want to know if there's any point in considering trying to "win" her back, so to speak. Does it seem like there might be any chance of that? Where could I begin to prove to her how much she means to me and that she still has feelings for me? I recognize she may need some space right now, and I don't want to just walk away, but am I being naive in thinking there's anything I can do to make her want to come back to me? At the very least, I will be a supportive friend to her, even though it's going to be excruciating at first to hold back my stronger emotions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Hey honey.
Look, I think right now it's important that you don't look for hidden meanings behind what she says, as it seems genuine to me. I guess what makes it seem more genuine is the fact that I've been feeling the same way she is currently feeling. It's very hard to explain, and she's done a good job of expressing herself it seems, to be honest, but like she says, if she can't love herself then how could she love anyone else? If she works hard, but comes home to you not being there as you are so far away, it's bound to put extra strain on her. Is there no other way you could see her more, or move closer to her? She sounds like right now, she needs someone to support her and love her. Friends are great, but it's you she needs. And often when people get into this state (perhaps even depression), then move away from the things they need the most. Recently, I've been feeling a bit rubbish and came THIS close to splitting with my long term boyfriend. He's the one I needed most, but I was pushing him away.
She's saying to come see her next month. This is a good sign, and could even mean that she is secretly hoping to get back with you. I can imagine she is needing you to be there for her and someone make everything right. Well, that's how I felt anyway. And after all, who doesn't want to feel cared and loved for? So I'd advise doing your best to cheer her up and bring her feelings back round, feeling the way she is feeling is never nice. When you see her, why not take her a special treat? Something you know she likes. Take her for a meal at her favourite restaurant, or just generally do something you know makes her feel happy or special. She needs you. Go help her. Good luck :]
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Hello,
I believe your girlfriend is suffering from depression, depression is a feeling of hopefullness, sometimes people can be in a crowd and still feel lonely and isolated. Her self esteem is not very high at the moment, its true. Its sounds like maybe she is stressed, is she worried about exams? there must be some kind of problem that she is finding it hard to deal with, or something that has happened.
Even if the person seems very strong, sometimes things get on top of them and they feel at odds as to what to do. She states that she feels ugly and want to slit her wrists..i would worry about this, i have a cousin who suffered this way and she did do it (i am not saying for one second that she will do this, dont want to alarm you), i honestly think she needs to speck with someone, it may be just the way she is feeling at the time. Its a cry for help, its just it possible that she needs someone to support her and understand her.
For me it does not sound like she wants to break off contact with you as she is coming to see you next month and has said you are the only good thing in her life right now. There are a few underlining issues that she needs to address her and it looks like she needs someone to talk to and get some support. Its definitely depression and if you can just let her talk and try to see what is upsetting her so much.
i dont think there is any hidden meaning, i think she is just down at the moment and needs the care and support of someone close to her. Just reassure her that you are always there for her if she wants to talk and you love her.
If you feel you cant handle this yourself, talk to her parents confidentially and tell them of your concerns about her as she may need some professional help especially if she continues to have sucidal thoughts then i would serious recommend professional help for her.
Take care and good luck.
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