A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop thinking my gf is still in love with her ex. They were together for like 3 years. She tells me she's not and that she loves me but she has told me she wants me to meet him (wtf--why?) And I said I didn't want to. She hung out with him at the park the other day (claimed it was a coincidence that they ran into each other which may be true, I don't know) then tells me she wants me to go to a bonfire with some of her old friends and he just happened to be there too. And tomorrow she is going to his going away party (he's leaving for some army training thing or something for a few months).I love her but I don't understand this. I'm afraid to get too attached because I'm worried she still loves him and may one day leave me for him. I've talked to her about this and shared my feelings. She knows I'm extremely uncomfortable with it but I don't know what more I can do. She really is the perfect girl aside from that, we haven't had a single real fight and there's not 1 other thing iv found about her I don't like but this won't get out of my head. Advice?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 If he was such an idiot towards her I don't think there's any chance of them getting back together. It could be she's looking for closure of some kind, maybe wants to be friends just because she feels so bad about everything that happened, even if it wasn't her fault that he lied and cheated. But somehow we women often take on blame and try to find out why the men were being so bad towards us, what we did wrong, how could it be when we tried our best and tried to make things work... You know, maybe that's what's the deal is with her now. That she's got all these unanswered questions, and is trying to find the answers by talking to him.
You haven't been in a relationship with her for that long, you don't know all about her yet. Could be she suffers from low self esteem because of what her ex did to her, and that she has become accustomed to looking to him for gratification, to feel important. It can be hard to break free from such a mental state. I don't know why she wants to talk to him and be friendly, maybe she isn't over him yet, but if she tells you she is then you must trust that. It could perfectly well be that she does not under any circumstance want to be with him again. But, if she's used to him being the one to make her feel good, as if the cheating and lying were punishments, she could subconsciously be struggling with being separated from from, the mind treating it as yet another punishment. If that is how it is, she needs to talk to him and see that she has done nothing wrong, that some people just are idiots and don't respect others.
It could be she is also still in the grieving process, and trying to figure out how to treat her ex, be his friend, avoid him, be casual... Maybe she's just trying to figure out where to place him now that he is no longer her boyfriend. These transitions can take time. I say let her take the time she needs to figure out how she wants to deal with the ex.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): They were on again off again until January. He cheated on her and lied to him all the time I have no idea y she wants to remain friends with him but she does and it makes me extremely uncomfortable, which she knows.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 June 2011):
That the thing here, she's perfect. She's too perfect, something must be wrong. That's what your brain is telling you. And being such a wonderful person, you will find yourself in constant struggle looking for treats to the relationship, looking for flaws and possible attacks at your emotions. Trying to guard yourself like you know it's coming one day or the other.
People can talk to ex's, they can also be friends. If she's so wonderfully perfect then she's also an honest person. And if she's an honest person, then you need to trust her. And, without trust there is no relationship.
You have two options then. One is to break it off with the wonderful girl before anything bad or unimaginable happens. Two is to risk your heart getting broken, and at the same time grasp the chance to be blissfully happy.
As I see it you don't know this girl well enough yet. So just continue to take things slow and get to know her. Don't make a fuss about who she meets or hangs out with, be that ex'es or friends you think look suspicious. Just see how things go, talk to her, get to know her, and in time you will get to understand who she is much better. Then you will be able to evaluate whether or not an ex is a treat.
If she's not committed to you then she'll fall in love with any random guy she meets, not just an ex! If she's not emotionally committed to you then there is no point in having this relationship. But you don't know yet how committed she is, only time will tell. So are you ready to take the chance and see what the future brings, or are you too nervous?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): Iv been with her about 4 months now, they broke up a while ago but were on again off again till about January
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 June 2011):
 how long have you and your girl been together? if she just broke up with this guy and you two just got together, i'd be concerned. but if you've been with this girl for a good while now and this ex is from a long time ago, i wouldn't worry about it too much. it really just depends on a lot of different factors. one good thing: sounds like he's leaving for a while. that's good for you.
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