A
female
age
41-50,
*edfish
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship for three years and engaged for one year. We live an hour and a half drive away so I commute to see him every weekend. My problem is I am tired of waiting for him to set a wedding date. I am going to be 36 in October and he is 39 and I feel like my fiancee is ruining my chances of having a family.he says that we need to move in together and we are saving money for a house...but he won't tell me even when we can go house hunting.I am getting very resentful of waiting and I want to walk away but that will mean that I will be starting over at this age.I have asked him several times when and he says he doesn't know.
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engaged, fiance, long distance, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): That could be my boyfriend. Including the commuting every weekend. I was in a needy and emotionally raw state when I met him. He is vague and never plans. I've hung on but wasted time. I have realised it's over. I've lost all respect for him in the process. Get out while you can but be very focused on finding someone who wants same things in life.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Redfish: This "boyfriend" is NOT "on the same page" as you...... Convince yourself of THAT... then set out to get a "real" "boyfriend"......
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2016):
 I don't see HIM ruining your chances. It's been over 3 years with no progress towards kids, family and living together. Did you not bring this up before? and if you keep getting the same vague answer, you kind of HAVE your answer.
HE is happy with status quo.
YOU are putting in all the work, you driver EVERY week end to see HIM, he doesn't HAVE to make an effort.
You seem to be sitting on your hands letting him MAKE all the decisions.
Set yourself a time-line, talk to him about it IN person - this is not a over text of phone kind of conversation. Either he is IN or he is not.
Seems like he keep tossing out road blocks.
I DO agree that living together HELPS before having kids, you might discover things about your partner that you don't WANT in a spouse.
I agree with SVC that LDR's are finite. There is only so much time you can have as long distance before it's either end it or MOVE together/ MOVE in together. 3 years? Way long in my book for nothing more to have happened.
Unfortunately your fertility is also finite. The longer YOU wait, the chances of a healthy pregnancy and child lessens - HE doesn't HAVE that issue.
I'd sit him down next time and lay it all out. I'd honestly make it a "piss or get off the pot" moment.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): "I feel like my fiancee is ruining my chances of having a family."
No, YOU are ruining your chances of having a family by clinging to a guy who has no interest in marriage or children and is stringing you along so he can still get laid every weekend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Oh dear. I don't see this ending well.
My husband and I were 100 miles apart when we met.
He had an apartment and I owned my house. I had the flexibility so once we got serious (3 months) I was the one going up to see him most weekends.
We PLANNED for him to move down to be with me about 18 months after we met... We could not bear to be apart that long and a year after we met he broke his lease and moved down with me.
LDRs are finite. After a certain time it's clear they are not moving forward. At your age yo are both settled with jobs and life. Where are you two planning to live...are you moving half way and splitting the difference? Is he coming to you or are you going to him?
AT this point you should have been living together and the fact that he keeps putting off being together full time is upsetting.
I think that if you want children you may have to consider ending this relationship and either becoming a single mother by choice or finding a new partner.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Don't stick with him for the sake of it because you feel it's too late to meet someone else. That's wasting your time just as much as starting over again with someone new.
If he's not going to commit to you when you that's what you want out of life at the moment then you need to give him an ultimatum as he's stringing you along.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): Your in your 30s your an adult take charge . He says we need to move in together , He wont tell me when we can go house hunting , Whats stopping you going house hunting with a friend tell him your taking a friend if he cant make it and if you think any houses are suitable you will let him know and then you both view them together . Hes sounds like hes dragging his feet because he scared at whats to come with responsibilities . Tell him a year you want to get married and pick a month . Next time you see him take some brochures of houses you like the look of and tell him you plan on viewing some would he like to come if no your going to take a friend . tell him you want to be married by 2017 and the month you want ( for example 15th Aug ) That way your setting a target and you both know you need to have things / money in place by then .
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Why doesn't he commute to see you alternate weekends? Seems to me you are putting in a lot of effort and he cant even give you an approximate date for when you two will be together.
Next time you are together sit down and have the talk, work out what needs to be done for you to move in together, discuss how much longer before you will have saved the deposit for the house, discuss the reasons why you would like to start a family soon ....
If he is not interested in these, IMPORTANT discussions or in making decisions or plans then, because you will have been the one commuting (once again) pick up your purse and car keys, and walk away.
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