A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloWould appreciate any advice on an uneasy feeling I have about my fiancée. We've been together for 4 years, very happy, a great match in almost every way. When I proposed to her in January she was ecstatic. I mean this lady couldn't have been more genuinely in love, everyone could see it. She's characteristically very trustworthy and honest, a really solid woman, and I think this makes her recent mood all the more odd. Over the last month or so something has changed and I don't know how to interpret it. It's important to know that we work on ships, and unfortunately recently it's two different ships. However when we were apart between February and July she assiduously called me every day, reinforcing our commitment at all times. That contract was very stressful for her at the end and when we went on holiday in July I felt she was acting a bit weird, still quite loving and affectionate but just somehow muted. My 8 yr old son was with us and while she made a great effort with him she seemed to find his presence unsettling, and I don't think she really relaxed, which she urgently needed. Then we went back to work and I noticed the regularity with which she'd contact me dropped off. Once a day became once every two days, and we've even had three days when we didn't speak. We use Skype and the ship wifi connection is sometimes useless, but still...We're both now back at work on our respective ships and yesterday we were in the same port, so we met up. I'd been concerned so was very interested to get some body language cues. Well, she greeted me with a big smile and a big hug, so that seemed all right. I hung out with her whilst she finished her morning's work, and nothing seemed hugely odd. However (sorry to be personal) it would have been normal in the past to have afterwards gone to her cabin and made love, I mean we haven't seen each other for a month, but when we got upstairs she didn't seem interested, all she wanted to do was go ashore. I didn't make an issue out of it (to be fair a 2 bunk cabin isn't the most romantic setting) but I was puzzled by the obvious lack of passion, even in the kissing - however I let it go and we went ashore for a few hours. We did a little shopping, I bought her some flowers, which she seemed delighted with, and we held hands and cuddled up as we walked, but I still felt something was a little off, yet I couldn't work out exactly what.Then we went and had a beer and she suddenly dropped a big piece of news. "My parents are moving". It didn't sound dramatic, but then she went on to say her parents are being evicted from their property and left with nothing, which is obviously extremely distressing! This must have been a dreadful blow to her, yet she hadn't mentioned anything to me about it up til then. Could this be what's been going on and she hasn't felt like reaching out to me? I've recently made arrangements to come and work with her on her ship. In the taxi back I surprised her with this news and she seemed genuinely delighted ("wow!", big smile, I told her I loved her, she looked in my eyes and said "I love you too darling"), and then it was a rush to board and she said "see you soon" and we had a kiss and cuddle and that was that.I don't know what to make of all this. It's possible I am going bonkers and she is fine, but I feel I'm getting mixed messages right now. She seems pretty much her normal self, and yet I feel she has changed, like she's forgotten who I am in some way. She seems thrilled I'm coming to her ship, yet she doesn't make much effort to stay in touch anymore and where is the passion now? Do you think she's hugely anguished by the parents thing and yet for some reason can't express it? Is she seeing someone else? Or is she just busy and preoccupied and would be amazed if I told her any of this?I have been in failed long distance relationships before and I think this makes me more susceptible to anxiety or even paranoia, because I tend to be on alert for bad signs. But this time I can't tell if all is well or not. She certainly wasn't acting guiltily yesterday (she introduced me to several people on the ship as her fiancé, we saw people we both know and they weren't awkward with me) but why is do I feel this distance? It's odd because she's neither said or done anything to directly indicate she wants to end our relationship. I know these are only impressions, but I've got uneasy feelings that I can't confirm or dismiss because the evidence is confusing..Apologies for a long story, but hope it wasn't too boring. Does anyone have any advice to help me get a new perspective?Thank you all.
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at work, flowers, kissing, long distance, mixed messages, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 My guess is that her parents situation is probably causing her a lot of stress, when she needs you the most you are both on different ships. I know how hard it can be working on ships as I have done it myself, so I guess with her parents news and also being long distance with you and her parents it is probably bringing on a lot of stress.
Try and be there for her where you can, let her know you are there to listen, talk to her, tell her you have felt her behavior change lately, ask her is she okay.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you both. Your thoughts echo what people close to us think, that the situation with her parents is preoccupying her so that she can't give 100% at the moment. It would be strange if it were something to do with me, as we were so happy together it's hard to imagine what could shatter that short of a major betrayal. Perhaps I just need to be patient with her and not expect too much.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (18 September 2016):
 I don't think she's gone off you. All relationships cool off a bit after the first flush and, as they say, lust turns to love. She is obviously deeply worried about her parents which I'm sure affects her relationship with you. She may be feeling guilty that her life is fine whilst the lives of her parents are in turmoil. It would probably be best to talk to her about her parents and give her some moral support. It's also possible that having your 8yr old son around wasn't as easy as she thought. If she's not used to children and never had any of her own then it can be quite an eye opener. It's a very hard job to take on another persons child (although I realise he's probably with his mother most of the time) and your fiancee may have found it difficult. You need to speak to her but put the emphasis on talking about her parents situation and your son before you start talking about the two of you as a couple. She will appreciate that you are showing concern for her needs.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 September 2016):
 Talk to her. Be honest and open.
My guess is it's about her parents, she wants to help out but also be able to do things with you and your future.
So in order to figure out what's up, how to support and help her you will HAVE to talk to her.
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