A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago. He had a temper and we found ourselves in regular arguments, every week or 2 weeks. It was never physical, but he said some pretty hurtful comments. I was done with crying all the time and ended it.The break up was rough, he took it very bad, but eventually we got to a point where we've been having the odd chat about how were both going, general things in our lives.We talked the other night and he told me he'd be interested in giving things a second chance if I was ever willing. He says the time apart has been good, he's reflected a lot. He says he hasn't moved on at all, even though he's 'had opportunities' and still cares for me.He says things don't feel dead between us, and if I'm honest I know I feel the same but at the same time I'm hesitant to give it another go as I don't want to fall back into what was. I know my family and friends would not be keen, as they where done with seeing me treated poorly. What should I do? Should we just take things slow and give him a chance to show things can be better or just forget it and keep moving on? I want to try, but I'm scared of my family and friends reaction, and I'm afraid of getting hurt.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2013): Since everyone else already covered the basics, I'll just add that if you end up thinking you want to give it another go, wait. Insist that he first gets extensive counseling, because what he did to you was very serious. Personally at your age, I think he'd have to work on that for about 6 months to convince me he's worth it. And I've never once heard anyone say that abusers reflect their way into being a better person... it takes actual physical effort and time commitment. Has he even acknowledged that he is an abuser?? There won't be any sort of magical change if you go back to him now... it's the same as before, sure he'll care for you, but he'll have that same temper when things go south all the same.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Having time to "reflect" doesn't mean shit. Certainly doesn't mean he won't go back to his "old" ways as soon as you two get comfortable again.
You had this guy in your life, he was verbally abusive and treated your poorly, so because neither of you have moved on, you think it's a good idea to try again? Really? What has changed?
People who think it's OK to verbally abuse others, do not "just" change out of the blue. They usually need help working out why they did it and how to prevent it.
I think you should REALLY think this through. DO YOU really want this? Or are you setting yourself up for a pattern of abusive guys?
You family and friend wants you to be OK, to feel loved, to be with someone who can LOVE you, not hurt you.
For me personally, I strongly believe in NEVER go back to a dud. Just like fireworks, it might just blow up in your face.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Things may not feel dead between you but the fact of the matter is, you admit that your ex had a temper and was emotionally abusive to you.
You spent a majority of your time in tears until you reached a point where you couldn't take anymore.
I'm surprised you're even talking to this guy again.
Many guys who abuse their girlfriends start with emotional abuse in the exact same way your ex was treating you. Once they've cooled down and have had a bit of space they're always so sorry and desperately want to try again to make things work.
Eventually however their temper resurfaces but they are so sure of your love and commitment the abuse escalates and can become physical (not that emotional abuse is not bad enough and very damaging).
It will be much harder to leave him a second time because friends and family will warn you against getting back together with him and you'll feel embarrassed and sad to be proved wrong about him. So many women stay in an abusive relationship out of fear, low self esteem and shame for giving the abuser another chance.
That said, this is your life and you must do what you want to do with it. If you insist on going back, and if I were you, I would insist that he gets some anger management help and you maybe consider couples counselling to explore why he felt the need to treat you the way he did and to try and prevent it happening again.
I do understand how you feel and I have been where you are but despite my ex's pleading, begging and apologies I carried on moving forward. I wasn't prepared to be his emotional punch bag when things annoyed him. I was sick of crying and feeling worthless just because my misery made him feel like a man!
I am so glad I did.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 December 2013):
 Sounds like to me you should let sleeping dogs lie. Anger management is something you should never have to hope your boyfriend is good at. One sould assume that anger is not an issue and if it is the angry person should be shunned in my opinion..life is too short to have to worry if you're going to live through the week with whoever.
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