A
female
age
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*arpawl
writes:My ex and I lived together for 7 years and loved each other for the last 15 years. We have 2 children together and I was his first and only love. He is 38 years old. We split due to differences and his insecurities over my ex husband. We tried again last year, but we still had issues that needed resolving, so I stepped away to sort out our lives and make improvements in mine. But all this time I never stopped loving him and he never stopped loving me. About 5 weeks ago, he met a Russian woman with a daughter close in age to our sons. She contacted him and he started dating her thinking that I no longer loved him. I have since told him how I feel about him and putting our family back together for the last and final time. He is angry at me for waiting to tell him this because now he has made this other woman care about him. He told her when he met her that he no longer loved me but has told me that he and I both know different. When he sees me he tells me how much he loves me and misses me and wishes I had told him sooner because now he is in a difficult place and doesn't know how to hurt this other person. He says he is still so in love with me and now that he has experienced someone else, he doesn't know if he can love them like he loves me and it scares him. He said even the physical part of their relationship doesn't hold a candle to being with me and that worries him too. He says things about when we get back together he knows our lives would be perfect this time, or when he comes back, he knows everything would be great. He says that this is really where he wants to be, with me, in a home, with our children. But.....he worries that should he come back and I were to push him away again..... where would that leave him? Alone again and that scares him. He calls me every day, even when he is with her, he'll sneak away to call me or he'll call me when he's going to her house or after he leaves her house and never fails to tell me he loves me. He tells our children that he still loves me and misses me and if this new relationship does not work, he wants to be with mom and work things out. He tells me that if I find a new boyfriend he will be happy for me, but then says he will be jealous and hate himself for losing me again. He says that he has never had to hurt anyone and is waiting for her to give him an excuse to leave the relationship so that he does not feel guilty and can come back to me with a clear conscience. As this is only the 2nd relationship he has ever had other than me, I think I can understand what he is saying, but if he truly loved me the way that he tells me and always has, wouldn't he be back here already if that were true? All he wants to do is touch me, or hug and kiss me, everytime he sees me. He says he knows that it is wrong because of her, but he can't help himself because he's still so in love with me. He really is confusing the hell out of me right now. He says if this new one does not work out, he will beat people off to get back with me and when he comes back he wants to get married this time, right away. If he truly cared about this other woman, would he be saying these things to me or keep trying to be near me or spend time with me when he can? I just don't know what to think or believe or hope for or not. I know right now he is confused because he's not sure if I'll push away again and this other woman wants to spend the rest of her life with him. He says he's not happy about any of this and just wishes I'd told him sooner and then he could've just been with me without hurting anyone else. This other woman by the way is still an immigrant. She works as a masseuse and spends more money than she makes. Her 12 year old daughter works as a waitress part time because she looks older and "she wants to". Also, she told him on their first date that she is not looking to date him for a greencard and she doesn't approve of masseuses who turn tricks. He says she is genuinly a sweet girl and I would like her if I met her, she's alot like me, just a Russian version. I'm afraid that he was so vulnerable when he met her, that he is being taken for some kind of ride. She told him after 3 weeks that she loves him and want to spend the rest of her life with him. Red Flag?? She lived with another man for 2 years when she got here, but did not marry him, but she now wants to marry my ex after she becomes a citizen. He tells me all of these things. He knows they hurt me but tells me anyway. Can anyone tell me what they really think is happening here? I could really use some outside opinions so I can think more clearly. My family and friends all say that he did not love me all these years just to let me go now. They think that this if a "feel good" thing for him and that they all KNOW that he'll be back, even though most of them wish that he wouldn't come back because they see the game that he is playing and wish I would find someone else. But my heart kn1 week ago - 14 hours left to answer. Additional Details1 week agoHe stopped by 2nite to see me and the boys but we were at church. He found my truck there and left me a kiss on the sideview mirror. He called me later to tell me to look for it and that he misses me and loves me. He wants to take the kids and I to a movie this week and stop by to see us again tomorrow. The new girlfriend doesn't know about any of this and I feel bad for her because i believe he is misleading both of us and playing a game. BUT what exactly is the point of this game? What is he trying to do here? Any guys out there have any answers to this please. I love him and this really hurts and I'm not sure where this is supposed to be going. If he wants to be with me and be a family again, how will that happen? And if he really cared about this other woman, he could he do this to her and say what he does to me. He isn't the player type at all, just very inexperienced, so his game that he's playing really does stink What if he is too afraid of me. That I'll hurt him again by pushing him away? He was dating someone for a month the last time we got back together and he let her go to be with me and it didn't work out for us right then. Now he's afraid that I'll do the same thing again and he'll have let her go and then he has no one. But I know in my heart and head that it would work out this time for good, the rest of our lives. How do I convince him of that though? Any suggestions? He took me out to dinner and down to the shore for the night last night (while g/f is away in Florida) and told me what I talked about above. I just want us to be a family again, but I somehow need to prove that to him. I'm so damn sad, I feel I may have blown it this time and I pray to God I didn't. Will I ever know? How do I prove myself to him so that he isn't afraid to come back? Can anyone please help me with some advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, filipina123 +, writes (16 November 2008):
It sounds like you both truly love each other, but have unresolved issues that need to be cleared before you get back together.
The success of every relationship stems not on how compatible you are, but how you DEAL with each others' incompatibilities. That's when you know are can stay and be strong together.
All the best to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): You have to do what is right for your kids! Do u think it is healthy for them to have to live like this? this is hurting your life and , in turn, their life. you need to move on and get out of this.
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