A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be kind of long, I apologize. My fiance and I were friends for a year (best friends, did everything together) before we got into a relationship. We were together for 4 years total. A year into the relationship, I had our daughter. When she was born, he had started talking to an ex gf, one I knew about. She was going through a divorce and he was a long time friend. No biggie. Well, it turned into more, basically this giant fantasy land, very quickly (like a week). When I found out, he stopped, immediately. Over the next couple years, he'd say hi briefly but nothing inappropriate. He'd talked to her maybe twice, via text. Then last year, it started up again, fantasy land all over again, but he stopped on his own that time. I found out well after the fact. Fast forward to now. We moved about 7 months ago cross country, to his family, and 4 hours away from this girl. I should mention they were only 14 when they dated and it was unresolved-she moved away while they were dating. I also found out later that he had slept with her once (while she was married), after years of no contact, but she refused to leave her husband for him. This was about 8 months before we got together. So he had a crappy job, and I found out after all of this that when he talked to her, it was always when he was depressed/stressed. He says she made him feel better, just talking to her (not about his problems, just in general). So he started talking to her...but this time, she was localish. Not on the other side of the country. He started seeming more down, but he bought me a ring and we got a house together. Then...he made the decision to go see her. After that weekend, he was extremely depressed. Over the next 2 weeks, he started cutting, badly, drinking, esp if he was going to be around me. I think he felt so guilty, it was eating him up. Finally he left me after those two weeks, for her. It was horrible, I had no idea any of this had gone on and we did NOT have problems-except for these feelings for her that he couldnt give up. Anywho...its been over a month. I'm pretty much good to go now, working on me, getting over him. But he was my best friend too-and we have a child, so I still have contact. I thought he'd been doing much better, but found out he really isn't. He's stopped drinking and cutting but hes still heavily depressed. He hides it from his girlfriend. He won't talk to anyone about it. But he did tell me, after a lot of poking. I was reading about guilt depression and I think that's what he has. He has maintained throughout everything, including now, that he still loves me (too) and he even cried several times before he left (he's a manly man, I've only seen him cry once before). I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I guess I just wanted to know if it sounded right, like it was mostly depression because of guilt. And also if it sounds like infatuation. I know they have a slim chance of working out anyway (besides how they got together, exit affair, him cheating on me, her cheating on her husband, and her second husband emotionally, and her persuing him while he was with me for years-along with the fact that shes my polar opposite, which just seems crazy to me, haha.) but my curiosity is peaked. I really dont want them to work out, but primarily because I want my daughter to have her daddy back in town-not 4 hours away where she has to endure week long visitations:(
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 I am not sure where you are going with this either. It would take a series of visits to his shrink to assess if his depression comes from guilt, and anyway depression is rarely so clear -cut, black or white, it may stem as a reaction to a specific event or feeling ( guilt ) , but that would be often the catalyst for a dormant preexisting problem, biochemical or psychological or both, to come out.
But, what this has got to do with you anyway ? Are you sitting there with your fingers crossed waiting for him to come off from his depression and infatuation, so you can welcome him back with open arms ? Seen the background, and the back and forth, that would be an unwise , even reckless decision. This guy has been wishywashing for ages , and can't give you and your daughter the stability that you both need and want. Plus, for whatever reason, he seems quite a fixer-upper, and, if your love so far has not fixed him up , and cured him of his issues and infatuations so far, I'd think it is really time to let him go and only think about yourself and your daughter and your future WITHOUT HIM ( or, with him just as present in his quality of parent as much as he can be ).
My personal and perhaps cynical opinion is that often we give too much credit to people when we explain away their shenanigans with " guilt ". FWIW, I think that , when people fuck up and act wrong, that is precisely because they do not feel much guilt about their wrongdoings, or, at least, their sense of guilt is easily overridden by a sense of entitlement. If they really felt such a powerful sense of guilt at the idea of acting wrong- betraying, abandoning, etc.- they would not have the heart to do wrong to begin with.
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