A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with a man for a little over a year - on and off for the last 6 months - I am 31 wks pregnant and he denies this is his child so has asked for paternity. I said fine because the fact of the matter is, I was attacked the same month that I conceived.. We broke up in the summer - he broke up with me, I went out for a drink which I never normally do to get over him, in the process of which I got talking to a stranger and I think he spiked my drink as I was unconcious soon after - when I woke up I saw him having sex with me, started crying and got v upset and tried to report him to the police. He fled the country the next day and I felt traumatised - still do. I took an emergency contraceptive pill too. Period was July 4th, rape was 8th, sex with the ex was 20th (day 16 - was ovulating too) and preg test said positive on 1st Aug. but it said 2-3 wks ago I conceived on the fancy tester. I came clean about the incident to my ex cos I didn't want to deceive him over what happened but it took me 2 wks to get the courage to say all.. towards the end of pregnancy he is now trying to say that I lied to him but I haven't. I said to him I didnt have to tell you I was raped but I still did cos I thought he had a right to know and I wanted him to understand why I was having probs at the time to suddenly get close to him again when we got back with each other.For practically all of this pregnancy - he has just cared for a paternity test. I never made an issue about it unless he upset me... so do not know why he keeps to harp on about it even towards the end of pregnancy. He told me if its not his child he doesn't want to stick around and I said fine that it was upto him..and I didn't mind if that is what he wanted to do... though it cut me up cos I actually do love him properly. He has been more and more cruel. He said he had very little trust in me and I said back that then HE had the problem. The baby is made now... and its just filling out with weight but instead he has made me miserable. I lost a child two years ago shortly after birth... so I tried to tell him to his face that I just care about getting this child out healthy first.. all the other crap comes after...he now thinks that leaving me completely alone until I pop the baby out is fair but I don't find it fair at all. He seems to have convinced himself that its not his child and I feel he is just simply waiting on tenterhooks to tie up his loose ends with me and flee... I bumped into him today after 30 days of no contact again and I was pleasant... looked great, hair colour was different etc... tried to have a nice conversation but then it dissolved into a fight... and he accused me of cheating on him.. I then said to him all upset..if I had cheated on you WHY would I have taken you back then?? why would I be crying about what happened me???? I said to him you broke up on me that month - I was attacked... and the fact I even told you is commendable.. so how can you say I cheated on you if in fact I told you cos it bothered me so much?? I said EVEN if I had wanted to go with someone else and lets say I did... DOESNT mean its cheating either cos we were split up! but he walked off and it ended on a bad note. Am upset I didn't leave while the conversation started out so well... but I didn't know he was going to attack me again.. he told me to pull my chair closer to him when I sat down at the table... so I felt mixed signals... I did cos was hopeful but then he started to attack my v being..and told me then to go away to which I replied. FINE I will... and I won't be back. I was just being nice to you..whats the point? so now am shook up here trying to make sense of what just happened today. I am bit down cos as you know this weekend is also valentines day and am sure I will have to suffer it pregnant and alone..so yeah...any advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your kind response...yes tonight I got more txt messages saying he wanted me to be honest like as if I have cheated him which I haven't. He made out like he was coming over tonight and 'last chance' - then he changed his mind in those 3 mins though I did nothing...didn't respond and all I got was a 'bye.' I simply wrote back I have been nothing BUT honest..but again he just said bye...so don't know what his problem is...but like you say maybe its just simply a case of needing time. I think he really has given up on our relationship in a way and all cos he thinks well if its not my baby I can't stomach to be with her.. I guess he thinks the child is a product of me cheating on him..when it couldn't be any further from the truth cos I actually love him dearly - then there is the other problem..if this child is a rape child, how do I break that to them later on in life without upsetting them??... :-(
He seemed so angry.. I don't even know why he asked me to sit nearer her him when I arrived but then attacked me. It made no sense. It was a total hot/cold act. Then he rudely told me to go away like as if I had wronged him..so I went away but before doing so socked it to him upset...I said a child's arrival should be a happy event. He doesn't even go to the birth - nothing..refused everything...YET he wants this test. I just thought I was worth more to the guy prior...what appears to be wrong with his emotions? any other ideas? thanks to the girl who responded you did cheer me up so thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2010): You did all the right things. You are very brave. And you are right when you say that your priority is to go through the pregnancy and birth without any complications.
He is only a complication right now. You need to stay happy and at peace for your child. So don't talk to him, don't spend much time with him. If you do see him and it degenerates you need to stop the conversation and walk out.
You have done nothing wrong. And I am sure he knows that somewhere but your pregnancy and your assault have shaken him up.
Give him time. Give yourself time away from him. And focus only on the baby for a few months. If it has to be, he'll come to his senses soon and you can try to mend the relationship seeing as you love him and you both have a child.
And Valentine's Day is just a day. When I am alone I light a few candles on any special days, take a nice long bubble bath, put some flowers in the room and sleep in candle light. Always makes me happy :)
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