A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm having a really hard time at the moment and would appreciate any answers, thanks :) Sorry if it's a bit long!!My ex broke up with me just under 2 months ago. We had been together about 5 and a half years. I was still very much in love with him but he felt that he needed space, he'd been in a relationship since he was 16/17 and he felt like he wanted to be single. He also said he wasn't sure he was feeling the same about me anymore. I was obviously devastated but I understood.Anyway we didn't really talk much (apart from the first week or so) and I found that I was starting to feel happier and move on (a little) after maybe a month or so. Then about 2 weeks ago I bumped into one of his housemates and he acted pretty weird/awkward, especially when I mentioned their other housemate "Claire", who I had always been a little bit jealous of because I think she's beautiful (although a lot of people don't think so...I think she's probably sort of an 'acquired taste'!) Anyway so I text my ex asking if something was going on and he said no, but that they had drunkenly kissed. I asked if he thought something would happen as they obviously liked eachother if they'd kissed, and he said just because they kissed doesn't mean they like eachother, but he also said he had no idea what would happen. I found this very upsetting, not because he kissed someone (not really a big deal, I had too, etc) but because it's this girl I'd always been jealous of and felt inferior to. It also upsets me cos we were sort of friends...not great friends, but I'd see her most days round their house etc. I keep seeing photos on facebook that I took of them together on nights out and feeling really stupid and humiliated - like they wanted eachother all along and I was just sort of an inconvenient thing in the way. Anyway - today I saw them together at uni. I know this doesn't necessarily mean anything but they didn't really use to hang out together alone, and also just since they kissed etc I'm pretty sure this means they're seeing eachother....I just don't know what to do. I keep feeling like I'm getting over it (initially after the break up, then again after hearing about them kissing) and then something new keeps coming at me and I'm right back to square one. I feel like I'm never going to get over him. I just don't really understand - I know he's single and can do what he wants but I feel now like our relationship meant nothing to him if he's already with someone else - and with someone that he knows I used to be jealous of (I wasn't crazy jealous/weird about her or anything, he just knew I thought she was really pretty and stuff) and he knows would devastate me if they were together. I feel like he never cared about me at all.This message probably sounds a bit silly and immature sorry, especially as it's been nearly 2 months and he's single and can do what he likes, it's just I really want to move on so badly but feel like him being with her is so hard to deal with. It's also the fact that he said he wanted to be single, yet is already with someone else (yes 2 months is a reasonably long time but I don't really think it's enough after over 5 years together, and also it was probably only about a month when they actually got together).I'm just wondering whether I should contact him to find out what's going on with them? Because it seems pretty definite to me that they are together after hearing of them kissing, and then seeing them hanging out alone (which they never used to). But then maybe it is pointless to ask him, and I suppose it's none of my business anymore anyway.I don't really know what my question is but maybe if someone's been in the same situation could you tell me how you got through it? I feel like I literally hate this girl and I've never hated anyone before and it's such a horrible feeling. And irrational I know, as she hasn't really done anything wrong. I don't hate my ex though...I still love him...but I feel so hurt that he clearly doesn't care about me.Thanks for reading
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aradeah +, writes (26 March 2011):
It sounds like he is moving on, and it looks as though you should be prepared to do the same. It really is not your place to ask him if he is with anyone if you have split up. Sorry :( It will just make it more awkward. Best thing is to paste a smile on your face and let him go for now. 5 years is a long time and he may well just need that space to see how he feels, or that he does indeed need new experiences, you do not seem to be that old? Treat it as the relationship is finished and let him go his way and do it with happiness and no bad feelings even though you hate teh other girl. Show maturity by being happy around them and for them. Tough but it will be in your favor later if he does decide he wants you back in his life, I say if though not when. Go out and date other lads, change your appearance as he well have gotten to used to you. But don`t go drastic. Appear busy, without time for him. Move on, maybe see it as a well thought out if long plan, that it may bring him back or it may prepare you to except new experiences into your life. Never lower yourself to degrading yourself him or the other girl it always backfires, always act with kindness and maturity even though it kills. Except that they maybe together also that it may not last...sounds like rebound to me in order to taste something different? Do the same, or spice your own life up and enjoy yourself he may well see he has let something vey special go...do not act emotionally, irrationally it will drive him away. Act like he is not there unless he speaks to you and keep conversation to hi, goodbye, and sorry im really busy got to go...Keep yourself busy and go out with girl friends. Don`t date the wrong man just to date, but seriously look at other very nice options out there. There may well be a much hunkier man just waiting to come into your life as the one...
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