A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My daughter is nearly 30 and is seeing a man who is 17 years older. He’s never been married but has 3 kids to two different women. He’s told her he doesn’t want anymore kids or get married. There has been a lot of ups and downs between them (more downs than ups) She says she loves him and is quite sucked in by him. She’s a very independent person and doesn’t fall for men this easily. I don’t know much about him or never met him. I think she’s hoping for a future with him but by what she tells me, I don’t think he’s thinking the same and this seems more of a fling to him. To me, she’s wasting her time with him but I would never tell her that, as she’s a grown woman with her own life to lead. She has no children, has a good job and lifestyle. Does any of you aunts and uncles think she wasting her time with him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 October 2021):
 It's difficult to stand back and watch someone you love make what you believe to be a mistake, isn't it? I feel for you. However, you already know there is nothing you can do about it. She is a grown woman who will make her own choices. "Wrong" choices teach us life lessons so, worst case scenario, she will learn not to force a square peg into a round hole in the future (which sounds like what she is trying to do).
Stay on the sidelines and be ready to pick up the pieces if/when it all goes wrong.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (7 October 2021):
 How can I give advice here?
I don't have input from him, I don't have input from her, All I have is your interpretation of what she reports.
I'm inclined at this point, to give advice to you.
You are the parent of a 30 year old single woman. Interestingly, so am I. My middle daughters are 29 and single. If they need help choosing a car to buy, or straightening out their health insurance, I'm ready to give advice. But when it comes to relationships, I think they have enough experience to figure out who they want to spend time with. As you said "grown Woman". I would say that if she doesn't come home crying, your best bet is to just stay out of it. She will thank you for the freedom.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2021):
 It depends,
Does SHE want kids of her own and marriage? If she does, HE is a waste of time.
If she doesn't, he might still be a waste of time.
A guy like that (and this IS a generalization) likes to date someone younger. And someone without kids, HE already has HIS kids so HER wants are irrelevant to him. Also, it's VERY convenient to date someone who can look after the kids when he has them.... isn't it?
I would tell her IF she asks. I might even probe her a little when she brings up an argument or issue with him, but I would do it gently.
She is nearly 30, so definitely a grown-up, and old enough to make her own choices in partners. That doesn't mean you can't give her HONEST advice IF she asks.
I have a niece who has been with her BF since she was 18 (he was 36 - gross..) and they are still together 10 years later. I think he has held her back a LOT careerwise and I wouldn't be surprised if he dumps her when she turns 30 for a "younger model" After all, he did that with his wife too.
Such a waste.
Unfortunately, some people are so deep in the "fog" of this is the person I want to be with no matter what!" that they don't see the whole picture.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2021): Your daughter is thirty.Her love life is none of your beeswax.Leave her be helicopter mom.She is a grownup.Trust in the way you raised her.Step back.Stop trying to parent a adult.She will resent you if you do not.And trust me keep not treating her as the adult she is and you will see less of her.Let the bird fly out of the nest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2021): I guess you'll have to let it run its course. She's a grown-woman and responsible for all her own choices. We've all fallen for a dweeb, or somebody nobody else can figure-out what it is we see in them.
If you, or her grandparents, have been pressuring her about marriage and kids; she may be doing this in retaliation. This is one way to get you off her back!
You're probably right that she's wasting her time; but if you stress the point too often, you're forcing her to try and prove you wrong. You say you would never tell her she's wasting her time; but you're her mother. She can read your facial-expressions and body-language. It's what you don't say!
You probably grimace and frown at the very sight of him. If you have nothing nice to say about him, or don't go out of your way to chit-chat with him; she knows exactly what you're thinking. If she has a history of one bad-choice after another; mother dear, you've already said enough in the past. You had to have said something at some time or another. I just can't imagine witnessing this and saying absolutely nothing. I'll take your word for it.
It must be excruciating to just standby; biting your your tongue until it's bloody, not to say anything.
Some ladies just grow attached to certain "types." These "scrubs" become a rescue project; and they think they can turn him around. He usually turns them inside-out. Be there for her when she does come asking for help. Do your best not to say you told her so; or she'll always run back to him.
Otherwise, just let them be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2021): I think yes,she is wasting her time.Much more so,of course, if she hopes in a marriage and children that he is not going to give her. It is very very difficult to trach an old dog new tricks,so if she hotel that just by loving him, she is going to make him change his mindset, IMO she is going to be sorely disappointed.But even if she is willing and ready to esclude marriage and motherhood from her life, the simple fact that they are having a conflictual relationship with lots of ups and downs, and more downs than ups, which per se is statistically an indicator of doomed-to-fail relationhips,tells me that indeed she is wasting time. Not to mention the age difference which would not be a major issue perhaps in an otherwise happy,solid relationship,but in this context is just one more complication. Then again, what can one do in these case? Nothing.Your daughter is an adult and full entitled to her opinions and her choices -even wrong choices. You are right to not interfere and not antagonize her.Just be ready to confort her and help her pick up the pieces when it all comes tumbling down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2021): If they have more downs than ups, then hopefully she will get tired of the relationship. She may be addicted to the drama though, like a lot of people are and they mistake the drama for passion. Often it's one of the partners creating problems for the other. He does sound as if he might be bad news for your daughter in more ways than you are worried about.
He is happy to produce children, but doesn't want to commit to anyone. Not a good sign in itself. Rather selfish and foolish to behave in this way.
He sounds like the archetypal 'bad boy' and your daughter is probably drawn to his confidence and his life experience, him being so much older.
You can only hope that she comes to her senses, unless she finds this kind of 'relationship' too exciting to leave.
Things have to come to pass of their own free will though, and she has to learn her own lessons. All you can do is keep an eye out for her welfare and her happiness and let her know you are there for her. I think the fact that he does not want to settle down with your daughter or have children with her, is something you should be extremely thankful for. In time, I hope that she feels glad she didn't become legally attached to him too.
The fact that he doesn't want to settle down and have children sounds to me as if it will be the least of her problems with him and that it is something she, and you, will be extremely glad about.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (6 October 2021):
 Without knowing your daughter, its hard to say whether she is wasting her time or not.
If your daughter has aspirations to get married and have kids then i would say she would be wasting her time as this is not what he wants.
If she is happy to go along with the flow, never get married, never have kids, then maybe he could be perfect for her.
You are right not to say anything, if he is not right for her then she has to find this out for herself over the natural course of time.
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