A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm pregnant by 5 weeks - totally unplanned. Bf and myself haven't been v long together and the couple is still v much new although he has been great and totally supportive so can't complain. Yesterday tensions mounted over the phone (I can't even remember how as I was tired) and he was saying he thought I was deliberately trying to screw up our relationship. Totally baffled at this, I told him instantly I am DEFINITELY not. What gave him that idea? He said I don't know. I then explained how I am just trying to overcome 'the shock' of my contraceptive failing and my body resisting the drug. I was bewildered at how he thought I was pulling away from him and trying to put him off me so to speak.. then he says that he didn't know whether it was just my hormones but that I was making him feel inadequate and that I was a totally different person when pregnant. This statement kinda hurt my feelings. I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings but it did. I said its the last thing I want to do to him..so felt even more frustrated but told him hey I don't want to be a pain in your ass..had no idea you felt this way. Sorry. Anyway he then went the other way and told me he REALLY loved me and didn't know how else he could make me see that. So I said I loved him back as I do..but that he didn't need to reassure me that what he was doing was enough..cos it is etc. We are now for the first time going to try living together. I admit I am a bit nervous about it as its the first time we are going to but I certainly don't have cold feet - he then said he thought I was 'checking out' of the relationship and had cold feet..I was like no no far from..and if you felt this way all this time why didn't you just check with me to see that this was the case...now I have backed off from him today just to try and make sense of his words - he started to ring me more prob worried I was going away from him over what he said last night. I reassured him again that no I was just trying to make sense of last night's heated discussion. I think he got that so he then told me to watch Fireproof the movie..I did - brilliant movie... but I can't make head nor tail of what he is REALLY trying to say to me?! Is he trying to say to me he is in it for the long haul in terms of our couple? regardless of any probs we may end up facing. Am totally confused. Any input would be great thanks? If I am talking in riddles - I apologise! Thanks... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): He's just being a drama queen because he's freaking out over this huge change in his life.
Women very often get the misconception that they're the only ones to have symptoms, experience change and stress because of pregnancy. While we don't have to experience the physical aspect of it all other mental and emotional aspects are right there. Plus we have something women don't and that's the complete lack of control over the pregnancy, we're pretty much helpless throughout as it's not our body carrying the child.
I think maybe moving in together might have come too soon too. It's too big a change. Your pregnancy was unexpected and it means a life long commitment to that child and in that respects to you, before you even had a change to fully settle down yourselves into this relationship. I think moving in is just adding to that, you have no idea if you'll get on that well and the strain of feeling trapped is already showing by his childish confrontational behaviour. Something tells me you're under pressure to live together, people say it's right thing etc. But I honestly believe it's too soon.
I'll put it to you this way, if he's already acting like this at the prospect of moving in, can you imagine him after spending weeks of sleepless nights and constant work and attention a baby needs. Tired and grumpy from that?
I'd hold off on the moving in together thing for a while. Get used to being parents in a relationship first. See what difference the child will make to the relationship first. It might be the catalyst that makes things great or it could be a symbol of feeling trapped. Either way if all you're doing is moving in together for the sake of the baby or because "it's the done thing" then it might blow up in your face.
Moving in with someone is a massive, massive step. It took me and my girlfriend of 2 years at the time another year from the time we first mentioned it to when we finally moved in. At that stage we were pretty much living with each other anyway but it was a gradual progression. I can't imagine our relationship being a bed of roses if she'd become pregnant and we had to move in.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): With space and no confrontation. A man needs to feel his life is of his choosing. That is how original compromise can flourish to love and not be viewed negatively. Don't fight back and tell him he's free to go when cross fire starts but not in yelling and angry tone. Bring choice back to him that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - how do you feel I am his biggest compromise? I agree that I am simply getting the crossfire and I have been feeling the same way about him. Its happened way too soon...is it possible this can be resolved amicably?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): He is accusing you of what he is feeling and experiencing in his thoughts and feelings. No man wants to be forced into this commitment when he is not ready and he is not ready but wants to do the right thing so there is conflict between feelings of wanting to run away from situation and performing obligation so he can live with himself. The guilt of wanting to abandon responsiblity has led him fighting his way into this compromise because his character and not love has determined his decision. If he is responsible in other areas of his life then he will be responsible to the child but who he commits his life to was a choice taken away from him and you are getting the crossfire. I would not foresee marriage proposal from him because already you are his biggest compromise.
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