A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a woman. My 33 year old boyfriend of 6 months recently admitted to me that when he was a preteen, him and 2 if his best friends would masturbate together, rub on each other and give each other oral. This happened for over a year. He also just admitted that 2 years ago him and one of his friends went to a hotel got drunk and blew each other. He claims his friend didn't *** in his mouth, i think he did. He also said his friend licked his rear but he didn't have any anal sex.He said he didn't like it and did it only cuz he was curious about trying it as an adult and it made him know for sure he is not gay. But is this true? Especially considering he was in homosexual relations for over a year as a kid?We have good sex and he loves kissing me and going down on me and all. He does want anal but i said no until we're married. but he's super clingy, emotional, and insecure about our relationship and my faithfulness. But he's also super macho guy and kind of a homophobe so this info caught me by surprise. He would always ask me questions about me having lesbian relations, which I don't, I should have known it was him. I'm trying to be supportive and believe him since he told me something he hadn't told anyone else. But should I worry? Him and his 2 childhood friends are still buddies. These are all men in straight relations now. 2 are married. I'm just worried he's still curious but would not admit it but might do something about it behind my back. What should I do and how can I know he's for sure as straight as he claims to be?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2013):
 Wow. I was absolutely right about this. He *did* groom you to be okay with his male affairs. You've gotta run away fast from him! He got head from his friend and doesn't consider it cheating? What if his friend had been a woman?? He is GROOMING YOU.
He's cheating on you! He's putting on this act about being "disgusted" while at the same time getting anal sex and making you watch him cheat on you. I said this was creepy before....it's beyond creepy now and has gone to disturbing.
As for you saying that he's homophobic, that's crap. Actions speak louder than woTds! he's a liar! He's cheating.
Why the hell are you even wondering what to do now?? Kick him to the curb. Surely you can't be desperate enough to put up with a guy who makes you watch while he cheats on you right in front of you and then has the nerve to justify that since it's with a guy, he's not cheating?
OMG.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, This has gotten a lot more complicated. So my boyfriend finally admitted to me that he'd had anal sex with his friend at the hotel, he was the bottom. He also admitted he gave his cousin oral sex as a teen (his cousin is now gay and out). He said his past disgusts him and he'd never do things with a guy again. Yet I suspected he's been messing around with this new guy friend if his he's never introduced to me. Turns out I was right. Few nights ago he calls me and tells me he's on cocaine and freaking out. This guy friend gave him the coke. I came over to get him and he kept insisting I meet his friend. Then he tells me he wants to have sex with his friend and I watch. I was freaking out inside but I told him ok cuz I suspected they were already having sex but he would not fess up unless he thought I was ok with it. So they start almost having sex in front if me and I was grossed out. He then admits his friends gave him head a month ago but says he doesn't consider it cheating. Next day he came crying saying he's so disgusted with himself, he's not gay, never wanted to be with a man, and has only pursued sex with men while high or drunk. He said he does not want this in his life and will never do it again. He doesn't want us to ever talk about his gay experiences any more cuz he's do disgusted by it and wants to forget any of it happened. He says he just wants to be normal and live a normal life with me and have a future with me.I'm really bothered that he is homophobic yet has had so many sexual experiences with men. I feel he is gay but hiding because of what others will think. Yet I know he loves me deeply. But I don't know if I can get past the fact he cheated on me and hides who he is and thinks he can just wish being into sexual acts with men away. I feel like the trust i had for him will be hard too get back. But he's madly in love with me so i don't know if we can work through this. I really love him too. He promised me he'll go talk to a counselor, I'm hoping this helps us. I'm so confused and need too talk to someone about this.Thanks for the feedback.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Given the confusion about his sexuality and his emotional state. Could it be within the realms of possibility that he was manipulated or groomed into participating in his early life sexual encounters and he was in fact a victim of sexual abuse? Did the guy he met a few years ago initiate the early life sexual encounters? I have a suspicion he holds the key to your partners problems.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 December 2012):
Actually, Jannie's on the right track, but I'd go a step farther here and say that this is sounds creepy.
The only time you ever hear about a guy talking about this sort of thing with his current love interest and going into this much detail is if he's grooming her for something.
I'd be worried about whether or not he's looking to groom me for some unconventional sexual situations, like orgies and other things.
What does it matter to you what he's done with whom in the past? If he were mentioning the intimate details of his past sexual relationships with other women, you wouldn't be too happy and you'd wonder why he's talking about this in the first place.
All that matters now is that he is disease-free and not seeing anyone now, and same with you. What does it matter whether or not you had lesbian relationships or any other kind of relationships?
If I were guessing, I'd say that he's grooming you to be his cover, and seeing if you're okay with his seeing men as long as you think they're "not as important" as his relationship with you. He's also throwing the idea of being an open relationship in hoping you'd experiment with other women as he's "experimenting" with other men.
If you're looking for a good, solid, monogamous relationships where past sexual baggage isn't part of this, then this guy isn't for you. I'm guessing that he's going to want a lot of extracurricular activities while at the same time being very clingy and controlling of you, because as we all know, a good cover is carefully controlled and constructed.
So, do you want to be a girlfriend, or do you want to be "cover"?
He still has urges for men. He always has, and he's grooming you to accept that he always will.
Your move on this one, but I'd run. I have no problem with gay men, but I am no one's cover story.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Who cares.
Only matters if the guy is faithful. If he's having sex with other people then I don't think you should marry. You have good sex, he likes oral sex with you. So you know what you need to.. the guy likes having sex with women, especially you.
The rest is none of your business. It's in his past. If your worried about disease, then you both should take an STD test. Don't know why you guys are getting into such discussions. Sounds a bit intrusive to me and it's doesn't usually build good relationships. Don't know why he wants to tell you everything, your his girlfriend not his counsellor.
Supportive? Why? He doesn't sound sick. Many men and women do experiment sexually. Most just don't admit it. It's more supportive to leave a man to keep his secrets, or if he has doubts about his sexuality, to send him off to a trained counsellor. Yes it is probably true, people's sexuality isn't always fixed, that's why straight guys can have homosexual sex in prison. (same goes for women) Many teens are curious about sexuality when young and then go marry and settle down. Thing to remember, most people lie about sex, they have to, because it is intimate and private. You can't imagine the amount of people who have had homosexual relations, just like your boyfriend, especially when sitting down and getting drunk with a friend.
What I find more worrying is the controlling issues in the relationship. The clinging, the questioning, the trading of sexual favours. That doesn't sound balanced.
I'm also worried about why a wedding ring will make anal sex suitable for you. You either want to have anal sex or you don't. Holding out for a wedding ring makes it sound like some kind of transaction. You should marry a man you love, but sexual favours shouldn't be part of it. He shouldn't be marrying just to get at your ass. If your not sure,just say no, then if you change your mind later, you won't be promising anything and you won't let anyone down.
This super clingy, emotional, insecure thing.... None of it sounds good and it's not usually something a wedding ring can fix. What does it matter if you've slept with women or not. It won't keep you faithful. Lesbians, homosexuals and bi-sexual's can be faithful, and they can cheat, just like straight heterosexual people. You stay faithful because your honourable and you are in love, not because you sleep with people of the same or different gender.
You present aged 30-35, your boyfriend is 33years old. For two adult people you have some strong issues around sexuality and homosexuality. I can't understand why any of this should be a problem if your happy and in love. Maybe there are deeper secrets involved, and therefore I suggest that he at least get some counselling to work out why this is causing him such problems. Marriage guidance together to talk about this would also be good. It would help to stop all the questions and the disbelieving.
If he is homophobic, yet has had homosexual relations, he is probably feeling a pile of guilt and projecting it back on to you (lesbianism) He could also be projecting unfaithfulness on to you. Maybe someone hurt him in the past, maybe he's been unfaithful with other women. He needs to talk to a professional who will reassure him that his past behaviour is normal. Having some sex play with a guy couple of times doesn't make him homosexual. It makes him a man who was bi-curious in the past. It also doesn't make him unfaithful.
But the rest of my concerns.. you both need to sort this out before you consider marriage. A wedding ring will not make everything perfect. If he seems to be obsessively talking about homosexuality, then maybe you have a reason to be worried. Ask him why he's so bothered about it, or tell him it's making you nervous and ask him to stop.
Tell him you don't care about the past, you don't want to talk about other people in the bedroom, you just want it to be you and him enjoying sex together and discovering. The answer to questions about the past is "None of your business" or "I'm not interested".
PS: Sort out the anal sex thing. You might get married and hate it, but he will feel that you made a promise to do it all the time. Don't make sex practices conditional.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 You should worry more about his insecurity and being clingy. What is the real purpose of sharing his supposedly shameful, taboo experience with you, only to tell you he is not homosexual at all? I would say he is creating insecurity with you, to bring you down to his level, so there is always a reason why the relationship wouldn't progress, and he will never have to open up and be vulnerable. No one is 100 percent gay or straight, but a lot of us has curiosity, but choose to be in straight relationships to avoid complications.
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