A
female
age
41-50,
*otnerdychick
writes:I've been dating this super amazing guy for almost a year now. We both want to get married and were both looking for stable relationships. I ask every man I date if they've ever had any homosexual experiences. I usually ask in the beginning. He told me no. A little while later he confessed to me that he'd gotten oral sex from a man three to four times a few years ago. He swore no intercourse/anal sex had taken place and that he tried giving once but didn't like it so stopped in the middle of doing it. I was livid to say the least. I kicked him out of my house and told him to stay away from me. He wrote me a letter explaining himself. Apparently he was molested by an older boy family member when he was a child. The boy would perform oral on him. He said that was the only thing he reasoned that would make him do something like that in adultHood because according to him he's not attracted to men, he doesn't think about them romantically or sexually. He also said that at times, he struggled with his self esteem and feared rejection from women and it was just easier to get oral from a man. I asked him how can he be sure he's not bisexual and he said bc of how dirty, nasty, and guilty he felt after it happened. He said he thinks he was reenacting his abuse and once it was "out of his system" he never did it nor thought about doing it again. I hate to be a hypocrite bc I happen to be attracted to women but only for sexual purposes. We've even had a threesome with another girl and my boyfriend was like a kid in a candy store, he enjoyed it so much so I dont think he's gay but im afraid he may be bisexual. We've gotten back together and I swore I would trust him and believe him and let the past be the past but I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I look at him I picture him being pleased by man and it disturbs me. I hate feeling like this bc otherwise, he's a great guy. Am I being a hypocrite? Am I justified? Could this be related to his abuse? Whyyy did he tell me?
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oral sex, self esteem, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hotnerdychick +, writes (30 November 2014):
hotnerdychick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers guys I'm just really conflicted right now and it's frustrating me bc I want to be with him but this is weighing heavily.on me right now. My worst fear is waking up one day to him realizing he's really gay or bisexual.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (30 November 2014):
Well, why ask for advice if you already know the answers?
Of course you have the right to choose your own sexual partners. What you don't have the right to do is shame and humiliate someone who shared something so deeply personal with you.
I stand by my statement- people like you are part of the reason there is still such an awful stigma against men who experiment with other men. It's a shame.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 November 2014):
You literally asked "Am I being a hypocrite?" Hence the reason you received "yes" as an answer.
You're entitled to do anything that you want to do within the law, so if you want to dump him because he doesn't drink enough water go ahead.
But it is important to think about the big picture here. Since you are bisexual, you have a inside perspective on how he may feel. If you get married to him (or someone else) will he have to "live his life worried that you are lusting after other women"?
If you will be able to be faithful despite being bisexual then why wouldn't he be able (if he is bisexual which he may or may not be)?
I like women, does that mean I'm going to automatically cheat on my wife?
I'm sure you don't care for my answer but it's still worth thinking about.
Regarding his sexuality, either option is possible. Some guys are open enough to experiment and truly realize it's not for them. It depends in if he's telling the truth or not, and only he knows.
Keep in mind that his crime was being honest. If you dump him and date someone else, they may have had gay experiences before as well, but most guys that identify as straight will never admit to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): I would say that the reason he did this and has the feelings he has is related to the abuse, no doubt. Could he be bisexual, yes, he could be. Will he ever tell you the truth about it? Probably not after your horrible reaction. Does that make it right? No- he needs to be honest with himself and with you, but that doesn't mean he will be unfortunately. He may end up deciding he is really bi or gay later on and accepting that about himself. He trusted you enough to tell you, imagine how hard it must have been for him not to want to conceal all of this. It still doesn't make it right to be dishonest about something major like this if that turns out to be the case here. You do sound hypocritical but then again we often can't control our emotional reactions to things and at least you were honest about it. I think the difference is men mostly accept women being attracted to women but women may have a harder time with the reverse.
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A
female
reader, hotnerdychick +, writes (30 November 2014):
hotnerdychick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionListen, I already acknowledged that I was beinga hypocrite but let's be honest here. Just bc YOU are comfortable sleeping with a man who has had homosexual experiences that is not indicative of how most women feel. I am human and definitely justified to draw the line where I start to feel uncomfortable. I asked a question and was 100% honest so I could get genuine answers, not to be judged. I'm not comfortable being in a relationship making future plans with a bisexual man. If that makes me a hypocrite then so be it. I don't want to live my life worried if my man is lusting for other men. I wanted to know if there was a possibility for a man to experiment and realize he is straight and move forward. I wasn't asking if I was a hypocrite. I'll gladly own that title.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2014): Are you a hypocrite ? Yes
Are you justified? No
Could it be related to his abuse? Maybe
Why did he tell you ? Because you asked and he reached that level of intimacy to answer you truthfully
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (29 November 2014):
Dear God, that poor man! How would you like it if he shamed you over your past? People like you are the very reason men are ashamed to admit ANY attraction to other men, EVER.
And why does it bother you so much, anyway? My own husband has had same sex experiences, these helped shape him into the man I love (as does every single other thing he ever went through in his life). I don't look down on him. I don't think of him as less of a man. It doesn't make me feel insecure and I certainly don't shame him over it.
Chances are some of those other guys who answered "no" have also had them. It can be very intimidating to admit these things to a near stranger. He finally got to know you well enough to trust you and what did you do? Shamed and humiliated and punished him. He will probably never trust anyone with this personal information again.
Yes, you were out of line. Yes, you are a hypocrite. Is he bisexual? Maybe. YOU will certainly never be the recipient of him sharing that information with you though, ever again.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 November 2014):
Your behavior is the definition of hypocritical, you admitted it yourself. That's not a good thing...
Instead of punishing him for things you enjoy yourself, do some soul searching to figure out why you're hung up on this and give the poor guy a break.
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