A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have a very happy relationship, we spend a lot of our time together, we go out, stay in, and we have a lot of sex and we're very affectionate towards one another. We are in the process of selling our houses separately and buying one together. We both have a lot of equity in our houses which we will put down on a deposit into our new place.He has slightly more than I do to put down, which is fine. But the problem that concerns me is not long ago he mentioned that we will have to speak to our financial advisor so he can work out what percentage each of us own. He said he didn't want to worry or scare me when he brought this up, but I said that the only reason we would need to do that is if we ever broke up...because I can't see any other reason why he would suggest doing this. When I said that, he didn't like to even think that, and said that's not going to happen. The conversation didn't really go any further on the 'who owns what percentage' side of things, as it turned into more us talking about us wanting to be together. He earns about 1 and a half times as much money as I do, sometimes double on a good month, and something else that concerns me is how we're going to split the bills. We usually end up taking in turns when we go out anywhere, and I never really have any money to myself, as in just for "me". I like to pay my way, and he knows this, but I don't have as much flash cash as he does. I don't earn much money, but I'm quite good at budgeting. My main concern is about the percentage issue on ownership of the house. I understand that we all need to protect our investments, and protect ourselves for our future, but when he brought it up it sounded like a business deal, or that he wouldn't trust if we did break up that we would be able to sort out the house between ourselves.He's in his late 30s and never lived with anybody before. I'm a similar age, but I have lived with somebody before. My money didn't go into the previous house with my ex, but there was so much trust in the relationship that he always insisted on adding my name to the mortgage, and everything was always so equal, and so open and honest. Because of this trust we had, I never even thought to bother with putting my name on the mortgage, as it didn't actually mean anything. When we split, I never tried to go after the money in the house, as there was £50,000 in it that he inherited from his family, and I didn't want anything of it, because it was his family's money. During the breakup we sorted everything out between us in a fair way. We did the same with the furniture, we actually forgot who bought what, as it didn't matter. What mattered was that we both was happy moving forwards, and even though we broke up we just wanted the best for one another. In my current relationship, although we are both very happy together, I'm not sure about the percentage equity situation. Do you aunts and uncles think he is just being wise and protecting himself, or do you think he's being cautious? What about when we get married? We would own half each wouldn't we? We have discussed getting married, and it sounds like it is on the cards. If he hadn't have brought it up I wouldn't even be thinking along these lines, as I just think that if both sides of the relationship put in 100%, that 100% may be different in terms of what you actually do. For example, he earns more money so he could contribute more that way, whereas I have more time and can contribute doing things around the house, such as cooking and housework etc.I'm really interested to hear your thoughts. I'm not even sure how to bring this back up with him, since it's been a few weeks since he talked about it, or is it even worth mentioning?Thank you in advance.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): of course he is protecting himself-I am astounded that you are not taking the same protection with your own money. I own my flat and anyone who moves in will be signing a contract stating any money they pay in rent is actually rent and not a buy in for them to be able to claim a share in the event of a break up. He is protecting himself and you against any issues.
A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 sloppy endings come from sloppy ways of doing things, I think he is right in you getting the loose ends set out in the start of anything, in that way you know where each stand, he does not dought your love he does not see him self-running off with the girl next door. If he is like my wife and I he might even have to account for his investment for tax at some point, so he is doing things the right way,you need to have an independent person do this work for you, not the guy that he has worked with on other things before and not someone that he found and has talked to with out you, just to be at ease and know the person is working for the 2 of you and not one
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (25 July 2017):
 We have just bought a house. My boyfriend had a £15000 deposit and I had £4000. That's a huge difference. We both own the same amount of the house. We agree that should we break up and it is still appropriate, we will make sure he has an extra £11000 of the sale. That's the only fair way. We did not get this in legal writing and that's a choice we had to make about what we are comfortable with. I also pay £380 towards bills/mortgage and he pays £480. He earns £300 more a month than I do. This was our agreement because I only had £20 leftover every month and that went on our date night and he could still buy himself clothes and games and treats. So we came to this agreement :) it just takes conversation and compromise.
Do we think I will own less of the house in future as I'm paying a little less? No. Because I'm going to be giving up work one day to have our children and then I'll stop financially contributing almost entirely, but I'll be raising the children and that's invaluable (or equal to at least the cost of full time child care).
Each couple is different and your financial situation is very specific to you.
Does it mean he isn't serious about your relationship or planning to escape one day? No. Does it mean he is being realistic about possibilities? Yes. And that is fine. If anything it's more romantic because he is aware things could go wrong with anyone but he's willing to believe in things with you anyway!
If you want to ask him about money, you should be able to. You don't have to demand money or equality or whatever, but you should be comfortable enough to talk about money with each other. These are things you need to discuss sooner rather than later. Do you want it to be a shock when you buy a house together? Finding out exactly what you both want and what you're happy with is important before it's too late to have time to fully consider your choices.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): All you've said seems a list of reasons you shouldn't blend your finances unless you were married. Why people throw all caution to the wind and gamble with their financial assets eludes me.
I'm not going to write my usual long lecture in this case. I find such endeavors very unwise for two people who aren't married.
This is the scariest paragraph in your post:
" but I said that the only reason we would need to do that is if we ever broke up...because I can't see any other reason why he would suggest doing this. When I said that, he didn't like to even think that, and said that's not going to happen. The conversation didn't really go any further on the 'who owns what percentage' side of things, as it turned into more us talking about us wanting to be together."
See an attorney and know your rights before signing your name and personal assets over to someone who isn't your legal spouse. Draw-up a feasible and reasonable contract to protect yourself. If marriage is not guaranteed not to end in divorce, please tell me how being two unwed parties will guarantee he will never leave you, or you won't leave him?
You could end-up in court anyway, fighting for your share. It will be harder to win. Judges don't listen to excuses, they see things only in black and white. My domestic partner was an attorney. A good one!
The logic behind my words is this. If you can commit to 30 years on a mortgage, why can't you commit to each other in marriage first?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): Denizen is right, if you pay in equally to the mortgage you will each own a half share or the house. However it is a good idea to record how much you each placed as a deposit so as to keep track if things go south. Its fair and not in any way a reflection of the strength of your relationship to do this. The type of contract you need to have drafted is a Deed of Trust, which will in very simple terms write out how the house would be divided should you separate. The terms you come to can be simply to remove the deposits from the value of the house and then divide the house plus any accrued equity down the middle, or you can have it any way you decide. It isn't a reflection of your relationship, but the wealthier partner might feel more vulnerable. Its in your interests as well and you shouldn't feel threatened as the less well off one- You don't want to take his money because you love him, so you can demonstrate this with an agreement.Finally to deal with your other worry separately- My fiancee makes more money than I do, but we pay for stuff 50:50 because that's fair to us- Sometimes I have to tell her I can't afford to do something and she'll pay for me to do it because she wants to share it with me. Some feel, like taxes that what is put into a relationship should be proportional to income, I can see that point of view, but sorry you can't suggest it as the less well off partner, only he can. It sucks but it is what it is. You could suggest the housework/cash deal but its pretty regressive.Perhaps you could effect some change by demonstrating how the 50:50 thing was affecting your ability to pay for your lifestyle- stop eating out as much and explain that its because you have no 'you' cash if you do- hes not a mind reader but if you show that he has the cash for the life you live but you don't, he might understand that your different earning power is a real thing
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (25 July 2017):
 Marriage would make it simpler for you. You are entitled to a half of your husband's wealth as I understand it, and he to yours.
The flaw in your boyfriend's logic regarding the house is that you both will be jointly paying a mortgage for the foreseeable future. That can come equally from you both so he would not have a greater percentage of the house, bar the difference in the initial down-payments you both make.
One equitable way to run your finances is to open a joint bank account and simply pool all your resources. So he earns more - it isn't about money is it?
In fact I would insist on joint accounts. It makes all the spending on food, holidays, cars etc so much simpler.
The other option, which is a safeguard for you, is to keep ownership of your house and rent it out. Let him make the down-payment on the new home and you both pay off the mortgage. The house MUST be in both your names.
Just one more thought. Is the financial advisor his advisor or yours? If he is being cautious then so must you be.
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