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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, my boyfriend and have been dating since November of last year. We go out at least once a week. The problem I have is that every time we go out, I am always the one who pays. To be quite honest, he has never bought me one thing. I know that he has been having a rough time with his finances, but it seems like he is ALWAYS asking me for money. For instance, when he picks me up, he goes to the gas station and than ask me for a few dollars. And I may give him a 20...and he plans on putting 10 bucks in...and then he will take the change and buy cigarettes without even asking me. Also, when we go out to eat...and I already know that I will have to pay, because I am the one that put the gas in his car so that we can get to the restaurant...he gets up and goes to the bathroom at the precise time that I am about to pay the check...I guess so that he won't look bad, because a female is paying the check. Another thing is that he is asking me to put a cell phone for him in my name, because his credit is bad. I don't want to make this whole relationship about money, but it seems like he does. I know that if the shoe was on the other foot, that a lot people would think that it's okay. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind paying sometimes, but always....no! I really like this guy, but I am wondering if I should cut my losses and move on. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone that gave me advice! I guess in a way I knew that he was using me the whole time, I just didn't want to let go. I love him so much. But you all are right, he is completely selfish. Like yesterday when he picked me up,he drove to the store (apparently had his own money), and bought himself a soda and didn't even ask me if I wanted anything. Than when we went back out, we stopped at the same store, and he said that he was going in there to get some medicine for his toothache(this time he took the change from the dinner that I paid for...and nope...didn't ask me if I minded), but he came out with ONE soda and snacks for himself(yup sweets...what person with a toothache would eat sweets!!). Than he tried to hide them, by before getting in the car, grabbing his bookbag out of the backseat and putting the bag in there. Lastly, this morning, as he was dropping me off at home, we stopped and got some breakfast...and of course I paid for it...than he said 'honey i need you to help me out with some gas', but that he didn't have time to stop, because he had to get to work...so he would get it when he got near his job. So of course being the dumb person I am, I said okay, but I needed change. Than he mentioned that he would also like to get some lunch. So I gave him the whole 20. He said that he would pick me up for work, but has yet to even call me or answer my phone calls. I know what he will do. He will wait until he knows that I am already at work, and call me...and make up some excuse. I know that he is screening his calls, because he knows that he is suppose to pick me up. I am tired of him. And you all are right, it is time that I cut my losses and move on...I could do so much better than him. Thanks so much again for the advice! And nope, he won't be getting that cellphone...atleast not from this girl!
A
female
reader, Smiler +, writes (18 June 2006):
 Hey SweetieYes honey, he's taking advantage.... 7 months of you footing all the bills will your out with him, i think deep down you alreadyknow the answer to this question but are just seeking someone to tell you your right... well in short i am the one to tell you yes your completely right about him he's using you.. hes a cheapskate and will continue to use you untill youstand up to him and get shot! please please don't get a cell phone in your name for him cause its you they will chase when he runs up a high bill he can't afford to pay. and this will seriuosly effect your credit rating also, you say he has poor credit rating hense him asking you to get a cell phone for him well poor credit rating on his part i strongly suspect that has been caused by running up bills he can't afford to pay so i strongly urge you not to get the cell phone for him ok honey :o) you shouldn't put up withthis any longer get out of there as quick as you possibly can... and definately don't put anymore fuel in his car if he can't afford to get fuel he can't afford to run the car its that simple and the same goes for the smoking to... hes never even brought you a single gift :o) oh honey you poor thing, find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated... I'm staggered your putting up with this nonsense honey you don't sound stupid you know deep down he's a waster and taking advantage.. :o)I hope my advice was able to help you out with your situation sweetie and good luck with this... if you ever need a friend or a chat or just more advice don't hesitate to email me sweetie, I would love to hear from you again and know how you got on... Remember i'm always here for you anytime okYou Take Care Sweetie X
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (18 June 2006):
 Hes got used to you paying for everything and as you let him he will continue to do it. A relationship is about being equal, whilst we dont mind picking up the tab from time to time all the time is taking the mick. Its his responsibilty to fill his car with gas not yours! You have become too convenient and sounds as though all he wants is a money teller! Tell him that your sick of it, and if he cant see your point then its time for him to go. You will end up broke if you carry on this way and the relationship will never be equal. You cant carry on spending all your money on him when he doesnt even have the deceny to put his hand in his pocket once! He is using you and your silly enough to let him, i doubt that he will change, so save yourself some money and get out!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2006): He is what is known as a moocher. DONT, I repeat DONT put this phone in your name, or you'll start getting bills for hundreds of dollars, and he will ruin your credit too!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 June 2006):
 Whatever you do, don't put the phone is your name as it will affect your credit rating in the future if he defaults on the payments - you might not be able to get a mortgage, loans and credit cards. I think this guy is using you. I totally understand that people have financial troubles, but it is natural for men to want to make the occasional gesture towards their girls like a bunch of flowers or dinner. However, relationships have to include a contribution from both sides and his bill-avoidance behaviour is very calculated like running off at payment time. You have to ask yourself if this relationship is going anywhere? What happens if you marry him or have children or you are ill or made redundant...who will sort out the bills then?
What you have to do is two things. Firstly, you have to work out why you have low self esteem and willingness to put up with this. I am all for charitable beings but this man is walking all over you. Secondly, you have to change the dynamic of your relationship - when he asks you for money just say 'no' as you are saving for something. Tell him you have fallen on financial hard times - if he stays with you then at least you know he is not just with you for the hand outs of cash. Whats more, why not have dates in not expensive places like picnics in the park for a while so that you don't feel obliged to shell out cash everytime you meet up.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 June 2006):
 Well, the answer to your question is yes, your BF is taking advantage. If, in seven months of weekly dating, he's never picked up the tab, and you always do, then he's a cheapskate, and basically a remora (those suckers that attach themselves to sharks).
Unfortunately, you've been enabling his leech-like ways by not only being his personal ATM, but by actually giving him MORE than he needs, effectively eliminating any incentive he might have for playing fair and being a partner in this relationship.
The next question is: why? Why are you letting him bludge off you?
His having "trouble with his finances" is only an excuse for so long. If he's been in continuous strife for over six months, then I'd be wanting to know why he's not seeing a financial planner to fix himself a liveable budget.
If he can't afford petrol for his own vehicle, then he shouldn't be tapping you out. (And in the wildly unlikely chance that I have to point this out, if he can't afford petrol, he sure as *hell* can't afford tobacco!) Maybe you should be having a quiet night in together, and letting him fix you a nice (cheap) vegetable stir-fry, if he can't afford anything else.
After all, it's your company he loves, right? ...Not your generous ways?
It's time to think hard about what you're getting from the last seven months. Is is that terrific of company, that you're willing to bankroll him, like, forever? Because nothing you've written in your letter has shown that he's ever ponied up for his fair share. And if he hasn't done that in the early days of your relationship, he'll have settled into a nice, comfy routine by now. Why would he change?
It's time for a talk, too. You need to say to him that you love his company (I'm assuming you do), but that the expenditure is starting to bite, so maybe you'll just have to go out less often, or to less expensive places. Let him know that you understand financial hard times, but for obvious reasons, you can't pay for EVERYthing, ALL the time.
That, then, is his cue to say something like "My god, you're right. From now on, I'm going to be an equal partner and I'm looking forward to paying my fair share of things."
Yeah... like that's gonna happen.
What I really suspect -- based on what you've written -- is that he'll feign moral outrage that you'd DARE to suggest that he doesn't want to pay. This is the typical response of leech-people when you call their bluff.
My short answer, then? Get rid. This isn't going to change.
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