A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All, I am feeling guilty right now of what has happened the other day with me and my bf but on the other side, I feel that I have only said what my boyfriend needed to hear. Can you let me know if i have done something wrong.I hope to make it as short as possible. I am moving to another house by myself and one reason is so my bf can visit me more than us spending too much on hotels. Anyway, when I told him I am suddenly scared to be alone in my new house, he said to me that he will be there as long as there is food available to him. I didn't like this.To be honest, my bf has recently just got a job from a 4-month jobless life and he is still struggling to pay his debts. I don't help him but I offer as much as I can. The problem is, I noticed that he never fails to ask me for gifts during my trips or during special occasions. But he never gave me anything yet. Going back to the food issue, when he said that, I just got pissed off and told him I didn't like what he said. And a fight started.He said he was only joking about the food but he was intrigued with what I mean by "you always have conditions when you see me". I really didn't want to tell him as I am shy but he forced me and I said to him, I notice about his fondness of taking material things from me. And he got very mad. He said, he did not expect I have been counting these things and he said he will never trust me anymore. That everything he had taken from me he will give it back. That he can have another gf better than me but then he loves me so he sticks with me. But he said I insulted him. He said this is my second offense. Earlier last week, I decided to refuse him in moving in with me at the new house. And he said when i told him I pity him so that's why I earlier agreed that he can move in with me, he felt really insulted. That I don't really love him, I only pity him. He doesn't need my pity.I really felt guilty of what I have said to him and had asked him for forgiveness. However, sometimes I think I have a point coz sometimes I don't feel that he genuinely cares for me. Right now, I am confused.What if his feelings for me will fade because of the things I have said. Was I so bad to have said those things or was it just right to air what I feel about his attitude? Please give me advise. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for taking time to give me advice. Really appreciate it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): It's perfectly understandable for him to feel upset over your comment about pitying him. BUT him saying something was your second "offense" and comments like "he can have another gf better than me but then he loves me so he sticks with me" are huge red flags to me. I've been stuck in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship before and that's exactly the way he thought and spoke to me. It only got worse from there. So I think you should think seriously about whether you want to stay with him and also look out for any signs of him trying to control you, use you or put you down. Stay strong and don't let that happen (I'm not saying it definitely will!).Oh and yeah, it's so one sided for him to expect gifts and give nothing in return. This Christmas my boyfriend was flat broke so he made me a lovely wooden music stand for me to practice my violin with. He could have made you something, or even just done something thoughtful or caring for you, like cook you dinner or give you back rubs or something.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Sounds like both of you copped some resentment over what each other has said to the other.I genuinely think he was talking in jest about needing food if he moved in. I know I'd probably have said it too. He is coming off a 4-month workless stint - and from the sounds of it money is tight. That would explain why he can't afford you gifts. It isn't very classy for him to ask for gifts from you. I know I would be mortified if the woman I was dating was constantly buying me things and I couldn't reciprocate.I think your boyfriend needs to get his financial "house" in order. This will make him independent and you'll be able to see how he handles money and how he treats you when he has extra to give. I'd avoid giving him money to get out of his debt -- this is something he needs to do and it'll show you the true grit of his character.Either way, treat each other nicely and good luck!
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