A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 6 years and together for 7. We have four kids youngest is almost 2. I work full time and my wife has chosen to stay home with our kids till our youngest gets in school. I say all this just to say I know we are busy between work and managing a house and kids it is a lot. My question is am I being un-realistic in wanting more intimacy? Meaning, not so much more frequency but more desire on her end. I don't want to say I'm perfect buy I do the majority of the things you read about on this subject (help with kids, do dishes, help clean up, pay compliments, buy flowers randomly 1-2 times a month, etc...) I just wish she would show some more interest in making our bedroom time the highlight of the day and the mini-escape from the day to day. Try some lingerie, surprise me with a naughty text, I will be honest I just don't feel like she desires me as much as I desire her... Hell this may be the norm and I love her more than anything so this isn't a deal breaker I just thought I would put it out there to see if some other men have this concern and if any women in a long term relationship can relate and give me more realistic expectations? thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2021): What you did not mention is... a basis for comparison.How did she use to be during that year before marriage? (you were married only one year after being together?)I'd say this is a case of you'd be able to deal with it better if you had seen it coming.Let's look at the converse of what HoneyPie said, shall we:"She might not desire you as much as you desire her. After all, so far... that desire had created 4 kids. And as much as she loves them all, sex CAN easily be equated to getting pregnant."This whole love thing, desire for her man thing, and eagerness for intimacy that some women embrace during the dating phase and prior to the pregnancies, how much of that is driven by their desire to get pregnant, especially given that it's an ability that has an expiry date?I believe it's after a pregnancy or two that this aspect of the truth starts to come to light, even for her because I don't think that she could answer that question prior to now.Your best bet, if you so choose, is to realize that that's the way things work, that's the way us human beings are wired. There's nothing 'wrong' with that; that's the way it is - some women claim to want their boyfriends and are all sorts of keen on intimacy but what's really driving them is the fact that Nature has wired them for pregnancy.I've adopted this attitude myself: she won't initiate sex, she has no reason to any more, and I'm fine with that. Sex somehow happens when it happens; and that's when I count my blessings that it does feel like she's not saying 'No' :D
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2021): With four young kids be happy she has ANY energy for sexual
Sorry but you seem to be yet another example of how entitled and unrealistic men are about the huge pressures women are under
Having had four kids myself I’m fully aware that chores needed to be done and this wasn’t going to make my desire higher or my energy increase
I’ve worked full time too
I can promise you Having four kids full time kids is much harder and more exhausting
Give your poor wife a break
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 June 2021):
 4 kids?
Your wife is exhausted at the end of the day. I have 3 (all older now, youngest is 17) But kids are hard work. You might help out and that is lovely, though these are YOUR kids too, so it's not like it's something amazing. You should WANT to bond with your kids, spend time with them too. Not just make them.
Plan a date night, hire a babysitter (or ask grandparents to watch them) let her know in advance so she can find something nice to wear out.
Buying her flowers is also nice, but I doubt it makes any woman go: " OMG! daisies makes my panties wet!" And it certainly shouldn't be a trade-off - you give flowers and she then owes you sex. Or you take out the trash and that should make her want to have sex.
She might not desire you as much as you desire her. After all, so far... that desire had created 4 kids. And as much as she loves them all, sex CAN easily be equated to getting pregnant.
And she might actually desire you JUST as much, she is just exhausted so romance and intimacy take a back seat. The kids need her MORE than she needs more intimacy with you.
You have to find what she enjoys (romantically). And you have to find a balance as Code Warrior suggested. Don't be a sex pest but also make sure she KNOWS you find her sexy.
Another thing that I would suggest is to TALK to her. You can't read her mind, neither can any of us.
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