A
female
age
41-50,
*am7673
writes: My husband is in the military and has been gone for the majority of the year. He was only back for a couple of weeks when I had gotten a hysterectomy. We have 4 children and he has been great helping out while I recover the problem is he is working really hard to find stuff to do so that he's not in the same room as me. The kids and I watch t.v and he'll go to another room to watch t.v the only words he says to me are do you need anything. When I confront him he tries to make me think I'm crazy but other people have noticed it too. This recovery has gotten me depressed and he is making it worse. I feel very much alone. He has done this a couple times before, once when I was going through a rough pregnancy with our last child. It seems like everytime I really need him to step up and be there for me he goes out of his way to step away and then makes me feel like I'm crazy. I have always supported his military career and stepped up to take care of things on the homefront while he's away (which is alot) and I feel like I always give for him but when I really need him, he backs down. I love him alot but I need somebody to be there for me.Is knowing he will never be there emotionally when I need him the most enough to leave? Should I stay in an all take no give marrage? Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (31 December 2010):
In light of your more recent details....now I think the relationship is one-sided after all. Now I see where your "all take and no give" is coming from.
It seems that yes in daily life he isn't really there for you either because he can't be as his job takes him far away for long periods and you feel left alone to cope with managing the family. You two share a family - the house, the kids...yet you are the one taking care of that 90% of the time because his job takes him away.
Furthermore, he loves his job. You feel as if he's 'having his cake and eating it too' because he gets to do what he loves which doesn't involve you, while you're feeling overwhelmed and on your own taking care of things that half belong to him.
You are also supportive of his career and conscious about putting his needs ahead of yours. Yet because he's away so often he's by definition not supportive of your homemaking job. Thus those few times in extreme circumstances like when you're hospitalized and recovering, he also doesn't seem to be doing 'enough', just seems like the straw that breaks the camel's back, cos he's not being supportive "enough" in daily life so you would think he could at least do more at these unusual and extreme times to make up for that yet he's not.
I don't really have any answers on what to do, except maybe you could both see a marriage or family counselor to help you work through this imbalance of give-and-take.
to be honest, and having no experience being in the military or being in a military family, I don't understand why career military men, who KNOW from the start they will be gone far from their homes 90% of the time for a decade or more because that's how they "want" it to be (since they want this career and that's what it entails), nevertheless still want to get married and have kids. why are they perfectly fine with making commitments to a woman and children only to be leaving them alone most of the time? Is it because they fall in love with a woman and she wants to get married and have kids so the military guy says OK but they don't really plan ahead for how daily life is going to play out? I don't know, I'm asking...
A
female
reader, jam7673 +, writes (30 December 2010):
jam7673 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I guess you are all right. I think I may be acting out of frustration and a little selfishness. I honestly do not ask much of him. He loves his job in the military and I knew that coming in. I am very supportive of his career. We move often and he is gone often. We have been married 8 years and he has been gone 6 out of the 8 which leaves me to take care of our four children and homefront and I always woman up and make sure he has nothing to worry about. I never want him to feel I hold him back from anything and I want him to be happy. There has never been a time where I haven't stood by his side so I do get angry when the very few times I really need him he distances himself.
Yes, he has been physicaly taking care of me but the only people who come and talk to me are the kids. Like I said before, the kids and I will be watching a t.v show together and he goes to another room and watches t.v. Yesterday I got up and moved around despite my pain and he was back in the game ,laughing with me, talking to me. I just feel like sometimes it's a one way street with his name on it. As long as I'm not needing from him but still there when he needs me we are fine. Maybe he can't handle it when I'm down so I will try to be more understanding....Thanks
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 December 2010):
He has not been there for you at the times you needed him the most. But those times are few and far between, they are not every day or even regular occurrences. So why do you say it's "all take and no give"?
How is he in daily life, is he pulling his weight in daily life?
And even in those times when you needed him most, was he still being supportive in his own way, just not in the way that would have meant the most to you? For example he would ask if you needed anything. If you had said yes would he have done it?
I think the real issue is not what he does or doesn't do to show support, but the fact that you feel shunned and he's denying it and invalidating your feelings. he should at least acknowledge that you have the right to feel the way you do, and not be calling you crazy.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (29 December 2010):
 Some people can't handle it when someone is ill or at their worst and he could be one of those. Is the relationship much better when you are up and running and handling things. I would say thats a strong bond when your spouse is there for you emotionally when you need them most but they have to have it in them and everyones different. The question is, are you being looked after for your recovery how you should be. Also when someone has had an operation they can go in to a depression, it's like an invasion of your body and it sends it in to shock. It's a natural feeling to feel depressed as well a few days later. Give your self time to recover properly then you will be able to think straight.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 December 2010):
 hi
do you think maybe he is one of these people who are uncomfortable with illnesses etc? maybe he feels like he doesnt know what to say, maybe he feels like because he cannot do anything to help you post-operatively that he feels useless and he underestimates the benefits that hugs and affection can give. maybe he is busy coz he wants to make sure he gets all the chores done that you need and it could maybe take him longer than when you do it coz he's not as practised as you are? do you think maybe his military life has stressed or upset him and is stopping him from opening up emotionally? i think you need to definitely have a good talk about things before you even THINK about leaving, i really do
xx
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