A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I get on with most people but this is the first time that has ever happened to me. I’ve been friends with a female for two years, who I know in life. we have never fallen out and she respects me. this is where things get weird, I messaged susie for example on facebook, just hey, how’s it going, that kind of thing. the next she’s saying my messages are too much when only message the odd month. which isn’t often and she’s never said anything to me or on occasions.what is going on exactly?should I just tell her where to go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2022): It's possible that she confused you with someone else; or someone posing as you.
She didn't bother to discuss the matter with you; so I wouldn't consider her a friend anymore. I know you feel you're due an explanation or at least the opportunity to defend yourself. She didn't allow it; so she can kiss-off.
Friends don't behave in such a manner; and it's always possible you held her in higher regard as your friend than she held for you. She may never have been honest about it.
I might suggest you jog your memory; and be sure you haven't been discussing her with mutual-friends. People you think you can trust and confide in will backstab you; and take anything you say about others right-back to the person you talked about. It may have been a very casual or benign suggestion; but the messenger may embellish your comments with their own opinions.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2022): Hmmm... There is no such thing as one model fits all.
Do you have a ready-made idea of the way she's *supposed to* do things, and if she does not... that must mean there is something wrong with her?
Two years you've known her, right?
Does she happen to be involved in leadership of community activities by any chance?
If I were you, I'd completely drop all my own expectations; without expecting anything to come out of it, when you send her messages, paint everything you know she does in the best possible light:
talk about the sacrifices she makes in her own personal life so as to fulfill her responsibilities and make a difference in the lives of others; talk about how you appreciate the way even though she's extremely stressed out with her pushy boss she makes a point to entertain banter that unknowing others happen to make because she has this willingness in her to keep team morale high.
Praise her. And as Trevor Noah's mother would put it, if you're gonna praise her, you might as well lay it on thick.
See what this gives. Do not talk about yourself.
Do not bore her with analysis of how the way she does things is not 'normal', and how you think that 'normal' people should do things.
That'd do no good, really. You might as well just do it the USA way, like @HoneyPie recommends.
Or you can make it a point to accept her just the way she is.
Meaning, you could do it the Iron *British* Lady's way and shoot back: 'If you think my messages are too much, you ain't seen nothin yet!'
When you meet her, or call her, or message her... focus on the things *she* does that you know are dear to her.
See what that gives. There is no such thing as one model fits every single one of the seven billion human beings of this planet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2022): Please take Honeypie words to heart.
This person IS NOT a friend.
You owe her no explanations.
And please do not accept empty appologies (if they ever come).
People are not doortmats!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2022): No. She is under no obligation whatsoever to communicate with you in the way and frequency which *you * are comfortable with.Her perception is that you are messaging her too much so, even if from your point of view she is wrong and it is not too much - it feels too much *to her* -you are annoying her, you are bothering her. I don't think you have other choice than respect her wishes and take a step back.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 July 2022):
 "should I just tell her where to go?"
You call her a friend? A friend would WANT to hear from you. Would want to reach out to you too and keep in touch.
Personally? I would consider her an EX-friend. Block her, Unfriend her, And remove yourself from HER social media.
If your checking in is "too much" then there is no need to keep in touch.
Let me guess she ONLY reaches out to you if she NEEDS something? Help with moving? Money?
Yeah, I'd just remove her. No drama, not even bothering telling her why you blocked her and unfriended her. Because why bother? She isn't a friend.
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