A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have recently met someone who I like.He has been on his own around 4 years (although he has dated quite alot) and I have been on my own around a year (I have had one or two dates).This man is very quiet and I am the one who does most the talking...and when I stop, he asks me what's wrong.....We have been seeing each other about a month (not long I know) but last week I stayed at his home and we slept together - he didn't orgasm.Then the next time he stayed at mine, we went out for a couple of drinks and when we got into bed. I had my nice underwear on, I tried to seduce him, but he fell asleep, so I thought maybe in the morning things would be different....but it wasn't and he got up and showered.I cried abit, because i felt rejected.I told him later the next evening I liked him alot and he said, don't expect too much from me, I am cautious and shye away from pressure.He also said he was happy with me and the way things were going,...He has never once given me a compliment and that hurts too. He says his ex dates were pretty etc...I know I can't change him.He cuddles me and holds my hand, but I still feel like I am being ignored.Also, he said he doesn't do one night stands, but I noticed when we chatted on msn the other night, he had his camera showing..(I know that doesn't mean alot).All I want is for him to say I look nice or he fancies me or anything...and I would love him to jump on me and seduce me....I think I am wasting my time, but I feel sad that he isn't interested in me. I wanted to make him happy, in bed, in social life, but I suppose I am struggling.I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said that is abit drastic...Last year I recently went through a really bad seperation and I know I have quite low self esteem.Is it wrong or selfish to want a man to say nice things and want to make love to me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): You may have low self esteem but that doesn't stop a man behaving in a way that clearly demonstrates his desire for you. I would hate you to think you are imagining things. He seems to have a problem showing his feelings at all and maybe is looking for companionship rather than a sexual relationship. You need to decide whether this is a relationship you need and want - one that is good for YOU. If you keep getting rejected like this sexually and emotionally you will take it more and more personally - who wouldn't! I would suggest you cool off with him a little and see whether he pursues you more vigorously - in the meantime see who else is out there. It is easy for us girls to blame ourselves for not being what a man wants but hey what about what YOU want. I think this man appears to be more damaging for your self esteem - there are plenty of hot blooded men out there who will desire you 'full-on'. Don't let this go on for too long otherwise I think you will end up making excuses for his behaviour and making yourself very unhappy in the process.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your answers.
I think i have an overreaction problem, and it's due to my now ex long term partner, his lies and life style.
I know not all men are the same and I can't compare and i need to move on and forget. i will give this relationship a go - and try to stop fretting and analysing as it is early days. I just worry too much and i do have low self esteem.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hi,
I think you are overreacting a little here. One month is an awfully short period of time to be picking over the itsy bitsy pieces of a relationship.
This is not to say your concerns aren't real, but for instance it may take a while for him to feel comfortable enough to really open up to you.
You will need to examine what is going on in the sex department, as if you have already had sex I cannot for the life of me figure out why he wouldnt want to jump you when you were willing. After a month that is the one thing that should be fresh and exciting in the relationship.
My suggestion is to give him more time, but see what happens in a few months, if he is still very withdrawn and unsupportive of you, put it down to bad experience and move on.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dr Hearme +, writes (18 February 2008):
Dear Anonymous,Unfortunately, this is not about him at all, it's about you. You do have low self esteem at the moment, but this is not a negative comment to make you feel bad. We all suffer experience this from time to time. Bad break ups, and life in general can leave us feeling vulenerable at times. If you were feeling confident and more like yourself it's safe to say that you wouldn't even bother with this man. The guy can sence your insecurity and need to be adored by him, and this can seem like a turn off would be lovers.You need to love yourself again before others will love you. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is confident, fun loving and carefree. Be careful not to except just 'anyone' because your scared of having 'no-one'.You must belive you deserve the best, and if you are spending time with somone who only makes you feel bad about yourself, why bother?I say, work on making yourself look and feel good, you deserve it! Pamper yourself, change your hair! Don't give him anymore consideration. You can't change him, like you said, but you can change the way you respond to him and the situation. Take back the control here! you'll be glad you did. Don't feel bad, there's always going to be others!Good luck!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Of course it is not "wrong or selfish to want a man to say nice things and want to make love" to you. You do not say how old this fellow is, but he may not be very interested in sex, is unable to perform, is in depression, has a medical condition or a number of other possibilities.
He has had ample opportunity to enjoy you, and apparent turned it down. It may indeed make you sad, and you do not need that, so I fear that extending the frustration any further would not be good for you. There are plenty of available men and I'm sure many would be glad to be with you.
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