A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:The man I have been dating for three years relocated due to his work. We discussed the job opportunity together before he accepted believing it was the best decision for him financially. We also talked about how often he would come here, which was every other weekend. With me occasionally going there. However because of his financial situation and the demanding long hours it has been difficult for him to return here as often as we would like. It’s been about monthly. We have no issues of jealousy, cheating, etc. I am concerned if he quits the job; the pressure of whether our relationship will be permanent is too big of a responsibility for me. I care about his needs and don't want to ruin his chance for success. It has been about eight months since he left and I’m miserable with him gone. I can't move there because of my business and kids. I don't want to end the relationship. I feel physically sick thinking that eventually I will fade away. Is it wrong of me to have him come back here without knowing what the future will be?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (19 August 2008):
I think the anonymous person below has a good idea.
Talk to him and ask him how long it will be before he clears debts? Or build savings? or what ever it is he needs to work so much for.
Set a goal and also help him to look for work in your state so he can move back to you and a new job.
Is there no way you could expand your business and support both of you for a while?
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Could you both set some sort of financial goal or timetable at which point the separation would end?
My sister has a similar relationship with her husband... she lives in the Midwest, her husband on the West Coast. There is very little chance that both of them would be able to pursue their chosen career if they lived together. They are miserable and broke and tired from all the costs of traveling and supporting two homes. It's not complete stupidity, as they are older and have made many sacrifices in their lives to have their careers. But it's an unhappy way to live.
On the other hand, I gave up my (satisfying and successful) career to be with my husband, something I never thought I would do. I made the decision after a year of commuting, when my husband showed how unhappy he was with the situation. Now we live frugally on one income, and I do satisfying volunteer work, pursue personal projects, and take care of the family. Some time I expect I'll go back to work in a different field when the kids are older and the economy is better. Anyway, I'm pretty happy and feel that commitment was the best decision for us.
I know that you don't want to be responsible for such a big decision, but you could let him know that this situation is tearing you up inside. The both of you could brainstorm ways to put a limit to the time you'll spend apart, or how to make him happy if he moves back to be with you.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI probably do have doubts and that is what it is so confusing. I am the first long term relationship he had had since his divorce. He is concerned about his financial outlook due to two long lay-offs he experienced. (Companies closed) One was since I met him. Work is very important to him due to his financial set-back. I own a business in California and would not be able to relocate outside the state. I guess the confusion is I don't know what he would be like if he no longer needed to worry about his finances. He is pretty much a work alcohol now. I think if it were reversed he owned the business and I was in his financial situation there would not be an issue.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 August 2008):
I think it is only fair that if you are asking a guy to end his career for you then he has to get just that: You.
You may be miserable with out him but is it just that you are miserable due to the situation? Rather than specifically being without him?
If you are having doubts in your mind about whether this guy is the one for you then he probably isn't.
Let him go and go out on a high. Then when you are ready start dating guys who already have careers established in your home town.
Good Luck!! xx
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