A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong if we still see an EX as an IDEAL partner?Last fall I had a mundane breakup, not too dramatic or over the top, just a little saddening. This girl had very attractive characteristics like being level headed and excelling at communicating about our feelings. At the conclusion of the relationship, I felt that she was a close friend and intimate SO. I still feel for the girl, but I know it's over. She had some latent anxiety issues and claimed I just didn't help anymore like I used too, so she called it quits over a random text and dropped out of my life. I want to move on, but after a few months, it feels like I'm not advancing.I still see nearly all of her traits as belonging to my ideal partner, so my question is, does this hurt my ability to move on?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2015):
 I want to add that maybe you also say her as IDEAL because you WANTED the relationship to be more meaningful than it was. Making her seem a little better than she was.
Liking certain traits is normal, I presume. But they should never be the be-all or end-all.
Good luck and time will help you move along. There is no set time table for a break up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you!
I have been struggling with just moving on lately, and can use all of the tips and advice I can get. You two are right, she didn't live up to the pedestal I set her on. I should really watch that, huh?
I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who would agree with saying that you guys are doin' the lord's work over here. Keep up the sound advice!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2015):
 Yes and not.
As Honeypie says, we like what we like. This girl had many " I like " boxes that you appreciated, and those are the things you are inevitably going to look for again in other women too. It makes sense;you can't will yourself to un-like certain traits or qualities, just to see if mixing it all up, and choosing a totally different person with totally different traits , which you do not particularly enjoy... you'll have a better result.
What could hold you back, is idealizing her TOO MUCH- IDOLIZING her ,in fact.
At the end of the day- the " ideal " is the one who lasts, the one who does NOT get away. If she got away, - she was not really ideal , you know what I mean ?..
There was something, in her on in your relationship, that sent everything belly up- and that's surely far from ideal.
So, keep liking what you like, but with a healthy pinch of realism. Shed the rose tinted glasses.
Like, I wonder how " ideal " can be a person that has anxiety issues ( sad, but HER problem, HER responsibility to take care of ) and claims " you just did not help her anymore like you used too ".
Suppose it were true, so what. Were you a boyfriend, or a psychiatric nurse ? Were you supposed to be a lover/companion, - or a practical tool to make her life easier ? Did she want a love bond- or a codependent one ? Was she valuing for who you are, or for what you could GIVE her ( help with her anxiety ?) The moment you weren't as helpful as she wanted and needed, voila, she call it quits over a random text.
Now, maybe it seems I am nitpicking, - I have nothing against the girl, I bet she is delightful- but, if she is ideal, she is NOT ideal for YOU. Who knows, maybe she would be ideal for,say, a slightly older guy who'd love to be the fatherly figure who always helps her and protect her -but maybe for you, at your age and stage, the ideal is someone less vulnerable, more light hearted, whom you can simply chill and have fun with , without having to be her rock !
Ultimately, the ideal ot is what WORKS, and what works for YOU. With this in mind, and if you do not romanticicze too much the past, - you can still like the same things in a girl, AND keep moving on. Hard to believe now but,... you'll be fine , we promise:)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 March 2015):
**I still see nearly all of her traits as belonging to my ideal partner, so my question is, does this hurt my ability to move on?**
No.
We like what we like. And apart from her anxiety issues she might check a LOT of your "I like that" boxes. SHE however wasn't the right match for you.
As long as you don't get stuck on a LIST that a girl have to comply with in order for you to date her or even get to know her, I think you will be fine.
I don't know ho long your relationship was or how long ago you broke up (other than a few months), but time will heal - I know that sounds corny, but it's true.
At some point you will have to ACCEPT that SHE might have had SOME of the IDEAL traits, but SHE wasn't IDEAL as a partner for YOU.
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