A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a girl who I have strong feelings for, for a little over a month. I realized her ex was a common friends of ours on Facebook (we all go to the same university) and she told me they had been on and off for a few years and after he cheated on her, they ended it but after a while were friends who hung out every so often (she's a virgin, but they may have had a friends in benefit thing fooling around and such after they broke up and before we started dating, I might ask her one day if curiosity gets the better of me but for now it's none of my business what she did before she met me). After we started seeing each other (since the first date), she stopped seeing him period, even as friends (I know this is true because I have friends in common with her dirtbag ex), but he still continues to pursue her and call her, text her, etc. She tells me when he is contacting her, because she wants to be honest with me I think. She doesn't pick up his late night phone calls but replies to his texts (mostly because they're on blackberry messenger and he can see whether she's read them or not). He invited her over for a party at his house and she said no, but they still continue to chit chat once every while, she has told me she wants to stay friends with him but distant friends, not close, because we all go to the same university she says she doesn't want it being awkward for all of us. I saw that she'd sent him a text saying "call me when you get a chance" and he said "yes ma'am"..a few minutes later she said "nvm. I just spoke rudely to someone and felt bad about it, wanted to see if it was rude or not but realized it's not a big deal. thanks though." later that night he texted her asking if she was awake and said "yeah. look I enjoy talking to you and I like us as friends but friends don't need to talk on the phone at night time every night, that's not right to me. I'm definitely not saying let's not be friends because I enjoy having you as a friend, but I don't want this turning into something else." and he didn't reply. Why am I so paranoid...is it wrong to ask her to stop speaking to him altogether?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): You're right, she should stop speaking to him altogether. I've never agreed on people talking to an ex, unless of course they have kids together.
To be honest though, it would be awkward for you to ask her to stop speaking to him so soon into your relationship, it will look weird. The best solution would be to advise her to stop speaking to him as much. Then when you guys are together a little longer, you can tell her to cut contact as it isn't right.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I personally do not think that you should stay friends with an ex. The only reason you should ever speak to an ex is if you have children with them. In that case you need to have a business type relationship that must be civil regarding your children. Anything beyond that is not appropriate. I think she is trustworthy in the fact that she sets boundries with him. However, I think those boundries need to be much stricter. You can know someone you used to date as an aquaintance since you are in the same group, but actively texting, calling, or messaging on her behalf should not be happening. It's obvious he's trying to get her back, and when she does something like "call me when you get a chance" that gives him hope to keep trying. Even if she changes her mind later. I would say to talk to her rationally. Girls like to talk about feelings. So, just sit down with her at a calm time and explain how you feel. Calmly. Rationally. No blaming. Just say, "I feel uncomfortable when you text him." This is important if you want to have a deeper relationship. If you can't be honest with her about your feelings, then that is a problem.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 AT this point I think it would NOT be a wise move for you to ask her to stop altogether... it sounds to me like she is setting decent boundaries with him and being honest with you.
She just doesn't want to feel awkward when you all run in to each other and I think not burning bridges is a wise move.
IF later on you guys get very serious and he's still in her face daily perhaps you could discuss it with her then.
meanwhile let this relationship end it's own graceful death...soon he won't text daily and contact will become minimal... natural occurrence...
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