A
male
age
36-40,
*llithid
writes:I'm 25 and have had two serious relationships, one seven months before I found out she was cheating on me, and the other three years and a half-planned wedding before she dumped me without explanation. I've performed and kinda-received oral, but have kept my virginity, as did my fiancée.I say I kinda-received because neither girl would actually care if I had any pleasure at all. While I ate out my ex-fiancée over 150 times, averaging about 45 minutes of oral and 5+ orgasms each time, she sucked me less than two dozen times and only to completion five times, and never once enthusiastically. And she was better to me than the first girl. I would spend time on this recent girl until my wrist hurt, my neck hurt, my lip had a bump, my nose was smashed, and I was fatigued by it, but she never once even thanked me for it, or so much as asked if I was alright (although admittedly, eating her out was fun, so I did enjoy myself despite the discomfort). She would just roll over and nap contentedly as I lay frustrated. Even if I asked for a return, she'd change the subject and get evasive, not even telling me "no" because it was more her style to just ignore the subject of my needs.Now, I know that men are more interested in sex than women, and that blow jobs are no fun to do (or hand jobs, based on how neither girl was into those either), but I would think SOME girls out there would care, at least a little, about her man's happiness. I'm 6'2", 215 lbs (but losing weight), have a full head of hair, keep clean and trimmed, always put her needs first, don't even complain when she tells me I'm going home blueballed (when she actually could give me an answer at all), and honestly loved her. I was there for her, comforted her, listened to her, supported her emotionally and financially, talked to her constantly, and would do anything for her. I truly loved her, and devoted myself to her happiness, because her joy was my joy. Is it wrong of me to feel bad that she would take all my support and want oral, but wouldn't return anything, oral or manual?I know 6.25" long and 5.5" around isn't fun in her mouth, but is it wrong of me to hope that my next relationship actually has mutual sex instead of another one-way service? Should I just admit that men don't matter, even a little? Sure, I am to be a stoic and bottle my own problems to better support her her stresses. Sure, I should pay for food and entertainment, do all the driving, help her with work and schooling, clean up, and keep the compliments coming. Sure, I always have been patient and forgiving and understanding. And I've always made her sexual satisfaction the only priority in bed. But is it right for me to get nothing back?Are there any women that actually feel their men matter in the bedroom? Or is it chauvinism to want a woman to care if my eyes to roll back too? Am I a bastard for wishing I could climax once a month when she's getting weekly back-breaking sessions? Do men even matter in the end?
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blow-job, hand-job, my ex, orgasm, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): You sound like a great guy and I think that when you know what you're looking for (as you now do) you're much more likely to find it. I think a lot of women would love to meet a man as caring as you. Personally, I naively only found out that men gave women oral with my 4th partner just recently. That's 3 men I gave oral to, 1 on a weekly basis for 3 years, without even realising they could be pleasuring me too. I love giving oral. I've even fantasised about giving this pleasure to my partner when I masturbate.
Also, I don't think a partner can truly help someone heal from past abuse. It just ends up hurting you every time. A friend can help, but not a lover.
You need someone as giving as you so that you don't end up taken advantage of in any way.
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (10 September 2009):
Illithid is verified as being by the original poster of the question Mostly to the male reader below:
In this last relationship, I had been her friend for months before dating, and we were dating almost two months before becoming sexual. We did share interests in movies and books, discussed morality and psychology and politics at length, exchanged jokes and news clips and thoughts constantly, had endless conversations by phone, IM, and email, and only were physically intimate maybe 3-5 times per month despite seeing each other 20+ times per month. We would cuddle and nap far more often than fondle, and fondle more than we would be sexual.
I have not banged anyone, slutty or no, and have only been even this intimate (third base) with these two women. I want a relationship first, and sex a very distant wish for later. It was out of a deep caring for each other that the sex grew, though I admit it all went rather quickly.
But yes, this is a bad habit of mine. I have gone for very broken women, with low self esteem and deep scarring from childhood traumas, and they have been ill equipped to give, because they have hurt so badly emotionally. But as much as I give, I can never heal them, so I end up drained and empty as well.
Now I'd really like to find someone that can give back to me, support me back, and not be so low-esteem that they need constant gifts from me (emotionally and physically) to feel loved. Someone that can love me back.
I just haven't encountered many women in my life (as friends or as girlfriends) that have had the slightest interest in giving sexually. Even women I know that are married admit to hating oral and having little interest in sex in general.
I am left wondering if stereotypes are true and men can't get a return on sexual investment because women honestly don't care. It's foolish, but it sounds more like the truth as time goes on. I've yet to meet the woman to disprove this in my life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009):
Ok, you have to come to face it: you are a sucker and a loser.
It sounds like women keep you around because you are convenient and compliant. Then they dump you when they get bored or a real guy comes along.
The steps:
a. continue improving yourself
b. dont have sex with anyone unless you both like each other. Thats means at least a couple of month into the relationship before you do *anything* but kiss. Dont be afraid to dump them if you dont have a non-sexual connection.
You inclination and your friends advice will be to just put yourself first and bang a lot of slutty chicks. That would be a mistake- you wont find a relationship and you wont repair yourself esteem.
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A
female
reader, ally90 +, writes (10 September 2009):
Actually I would think of hearing the opposite question 'is it wrong for a woman to want to climax too?'. It is way easier to get a man to have an orgasm than it is to get a girl to have one. In my experiances it has always been the guy that gets the most attention that way. Those girls you were with sound like they were willing to recieve everything from you but did not want to give back. I wonder... when you really love someone shouldn't you want to make them as happy as possible? Don't feel wrong for thinking your right - you are they were just selfish.
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A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 No sir, you are not wrong for wanting to pleased at all!
That's what a relationship is about in & out of the bedroom. Both people involved should be concerned about and cared for by their partners. Relationships are not one sided, you both work 50/50 & even 100/100. One partner should not carry all the weight, while the other only sits back & enjoys your effort while putting out none, making you feel unwanted.
I think it was absolutely wrong of your ex to do that, she was simply selfish. Even if she didn't please you orally, she could have done other things for you. However every woman is NOT like her. I myself, have always made sure that my man is totally happy in every way (even outside of the bedroom), so yeah I would say that men do matter in the end:)
I honestly hope that your next relationship will be different for you, you seem like a very decent, caring man & you need a decent, caring woman in return. Maybe when it comes down to it, you & your next partner should discuss how you both want to approach that level of intimacy. Make sure that you know what limitations (if there are any) she may have and share yours as well. It's always a good thing to have a clear understanding of what you both want in that area.
Wish you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Well honestly? I always seem to get the short end of the stick during sex as well. The bf will either cum before I'm ready, refuse oral, etc... I STRIVE to make the other person I'm with happy... As long as I can that is. I mean I enjoy giving bjs but when the man starts to go limp it just makes it demotivating to want to continue, but when they're hard as heck... then it's all about making their toes curl haha! So trust me, there are women out there who LOVE to please men... just make sure you're not finding the ones that enjoy pleasing 'every' man... if you get my drift.
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