A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband is cheating on me and wants a divorce. He actually hasn't admitted to the cheating, he just said he wanted a divorce because he doesn't love me. I found out he was spending a lot of time with a woman at work, going out with her, talking on the phone, etc. He was disappearing for hours...basically the whole deal that cheaters usually do. The thing is, and please don't bash me for it, I don't want a divorce. I love my husband, even though he's doing a horrible thing, and I love our family. I can forgive and forget, as long as it ends and never happens again. He's being very unreasonable, claiming he doesn't have feelings for me and being cold. There are moments when he is his old self, but as soon as he notices he tells me--"You know this doesn't change anything."so my question is....Can I save my marriage? Is it worth it?And any advice on how I can do it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): all the best and i hope and pray that you get what you want in the end.
you deserve the happiness and love. you just be strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again. I've been doing the things like the "thrash" comment all week long. It's immensely satisfying. I don't know if it's making it better or worse, but it annoys him so I'm all for it. ;)I really don't know what's going to happen. He's set his move out day at the end of May and the bills are covered until then, but afterward I'm pretty screwed. There is no way I can pay all the bills for where we are right now and we're in a really affordable place. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to move about 400 miles away to my mother's house and that's if she lets me because we do not have the best relationship. Oh well, though, until then I am looking hard for a job that will cover the bills and doing all I can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2009):
 *Hugs*
I hope you figure out what YOU want and go for it. Maybe he's not IT.. you know?
Like the new attitude :) Telling him nice hair cut, take the trash out will ya? HA!
No matter what you can do it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): heya, i am the anon poster, i am glad that you are not the doormat i took you for (sorry, but your original post sounded so needy, so apologies)i wish you every thing of the best going forward. Love and hugs and don't forget you are a woman, you can survive anything thrown your way. Loved the thing about the garbage. Just love yourself and live life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice and responses so far. I think you all had really valid points and I really needed to talk to someone about it who was not emotionally involved. Ginalolabridga-- He won't go to counseling, so that is out. He seems to be against any kind of therapy. That doesn't mean I can't go by myself and I'm going to make an appointment after Easter. I could use a long nice chat with someone. Honeypie-- I totally agree that I cannot fix this on my own. I do think I deserve better, but I guess I'm stuck on what used to be..which wasn't that long ago. Only a little over a month. I guess I'm just not ready to give up without a fight. At the same time, you're right. It is going to be hard to forget and trust again. I just don't want to give this up. Maybe I'll have no choice but to. To the anonymous poster-- I have all ready put some of your advice into practice. It's good advice, whether it works out or doesn't. I think it is really easy for women to fall into a wife/mother role and forget themselves. Oh, and I know all about her. I'm obsessive. As soon as I suspected something FOR SURE, I investigates. I don't know if I will confront her or not, but I am keeping a record of things. I'm leery of confrontation, because even though I am not generally an angry person I feel like I might flip out on her and when it comes down to it, it's really HIS fault. I mean, yes...she shouldn't be sleeping with a married man but i don't know what he told her. JockoJ-- I actually do like your answer. I do want him to regret it if it comes to that and to be 100% honest I'm pretty sure it will come to that. Tonight he came home 4 hours after he should have. I didn't call him, didn't yell, didn't say anything. When he told he was getting his very short hair cut, I said, "Oh, that's nice. Could you take the trash out?" He was so confused about my non caring that I almost felt sorry for him. Instead I just laughed on the inside. If he moves out, I don't know if I'll let him come back.
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A
male
reader, JockoJ +, writes (10 April 2009):
I feel I know the answer to this but you probably won't like it.
He's found someone else that he thinks he's rather be with, that's why he's asking for the divorce. The ONLY chance you have is to give him what he wants and leave the door open to him coming back. Once you get in a serious relationship with someone thing change and it's possible that he'll start living with her and all the sudden she has him and either won't or can't pretend to be the perfect woman all day every day.
It's important that you not cause a huge bunch of drama. Then you'll make him angry and he'll just start to get angry at you. You want him to move out then think "What did I do?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): If he is stubborn and doesn't want to work at your marriage then it may be over. BUTI always say it’s over when you have exhausted every avenue, and I don't think you have. You are very emotional right now. Geta grip on the reality. Take a deep breath and it's time to make notes, on your marriage and on your husband's activities. You need to do your homework on this situation.Investigate your concerns, you have already found out about the OW at work. -Do you know her name, anything else about her. -Is she married, divorced/single-How old is she You need to establish EVERYTHING about her so that you know what you are dealing with. Then confront her.“There are moments when he is his old self, but as soon as he notices he tells me--"You know this doesn't change anything."He may not be IN love with you right now, but sometimes his old softer side comes out. There may be a chance that there is the slightest hope. You know him best so perhaps you know how to “play him” as well. What does he like, his interests, his “soft spots”. Use this to “manipulate him”. Please note this is not a game. I am merely using these words to tell you what you can perhaps do. Also, you need to change your attitude. You are sounding like a desperate doormat. NO, this is the wrong approach. Yes, you are needy and you love him but you also need to love yourself. Start today. You need to “entice” him again, in realizing that you are a woman. -Start taking note of how you dress. Don’t go overboard but make subtle changes to your dress style.- how you do your hair. If it is long and unruly, then perhaps cut it into a stylish, easy setting style. If you are overweight, start exercising, and eating properly.- have some “ME” time seta side as well. Go out with the girls. Show him that you do have other interests other than him. -Try to be a bit independentYou may be making all the subtle changes indirectly for him, but in the end, I pray that these changes will have a dramatic change for you. In the end you will actually find yourself , you may actually start loving yourself and be the stronger woman that you can be. Yes, it is devastating what you are going through. Don’t be so quick to say that you will forgive and forget, you have emotions and feelings. Yes you wan to salvage this marriage but you are nobody’s doormat. Don’t be treated as one. You have pride, dignity and self esteem. Project positiveness in yourself. What do you have to loose? Right now he says that it is over, but it ain’t over until the fat lady sings.If it is truly over, yu would need all the love and support from family and friends. Surround yourself with people that love you. Make this about you and be selfish because you deserve it. Yes, it will hurt like hell but slowly you will heal. You do not say whether you have kids. If you do, remember you need to be Strong for them too. I don’t know whether my advice is good but I do know that the words I have written has my best intentions for you. I am not bashing you but wanting you to find yourself during this painful time in your life. Take Care
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 April 2009):
Fixing a broken marriage takes 2 people giving 150%. You can not do it on your own. The fact that he is still lying to you doesn't help much either.
I think he's done with it. HE cheated. He made a choice. You can not "fix" a cheater if he doesn't want it.
To forgive is hard but not impossible, but trust me when i say you will never truly forget. When your SO cheats a part of you will die. You will loose a lot of trust and respect. THAT is HARD to get back.
Don't you think you deserve better then the disrepect and indifference he is treating you with?
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