A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is it worth ringing him?Any advice would be appreciated! - I'm in love with a guy who definitely is in control of our relationship! - He only rings when he can or it's convenient for him, he only sees me when he is available to do so and he only kisses me when he says goodnight!! To make matters worse I havn't heard from him for nearly a week now so I'm getting worriedNonetheless for some reason I LOVE this guy so is it worth me doing a bit of chasing or should I just lie low for a bit? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Playing the game is all part of dating, I think. Especially in the those crucial beginning phases. Do not ring him. C'mon, girl..the problem here, is you are fearing 'loss' and why is that? When one dates they must have a lot of confidence and high self-esteem in order to recognize that they are themselves are SO worth the hard work and efforts that a man will go through, to attaining them. It's like you are blinded by him! Gain his respect and attention and make him work for you! If he's ringing you only when it's convenient for him, and seeing only when he's available.....I also strongly suggest you lie low, get him wondering what's happening with you and let him go in hot pursuit of you. He's sitting in the 'catbird's seat' here and is likley snickering, as we speak. Make him believe you 'have a life beyond him' and let him know you are not the type of woman to be clingy, needy, and off balanced by his antics. Leave him alone and stop allowing him to disrespect you so much. Being unavailable to him will get him thinking, that you are so worth it.
I have this friend of mine. A wonderful lady. She met a very attractive, wealthy, very successful man whom she quickly became 'in-like' with. He'd had a lot of experience with women, in his past. She was a smart cookie. The thing she did differently was she never, ever pursued him, outwardly. She did not call him, she did not email. She replied to his messages and of course his phone calls, but she never made the first move. She positioned herself nicely, where he had the choice to do all the pursuing....or not. But she would never go after him. She kept a cool head. And she got his attention! He even planned a Caribbean Trip as a surprise for the two of them and she turned him down! I was actually amazed by that one! She told him she had other plans and maybe 'in the future he should check with her first'. He was stupified. At first he was pissed off and left her alone for a couple weeks. And...she held her ground. She told me she was actually very worried she'd never hear from him again but she never called him. The whole time he was away from her those two weeks, he later told me....he thought of her constantly. She had gotten 'under his skin'. Finally on the slated week, they were supposed to go on this trip, (which he cancelled) he went to her house to see what was so important that she wouldn't take this trip with him. There she was, with her adult children and some close friends enjoying a nice , leisurely 'boardgame' night, with wine and cheese snacks. She smiled at him beautifully, said how nice it was to see him and graciously asked him inside to join the frivolity and fun. He was bowled over. But rather than being upset he was intrigued and one thing he instantly thought was, ""here is a woman who doesn't 'need' me--she's her own person and she loves her family. I really, really respect her for that"" And after that, he went into pursuit mode, even more. He wanted her, more than any other woman before her. They are married now, and planning that trip to the Caribbean for their 2nd anniversary.
A happy ending, yes but no matter how your story ends with this guy or not...realize you kept your cool, you kept your self-respect intact and you gave it your best shot. If he doesn't go in pursuit of you...then cut him loose..because he's just 'not that into this'. And why begin what is supposed to be a mutually respectable relationship with him in control. If you allow this, he will want that control all of the time, if this relationship was to go the distance. And that would be very unhealthy for you. So get your self-worth right back up to snuff and let his chase you down, for a change. You don't have to totally ignore him but you have to show him that you have enough self-respect that you won't chase him down, like a lovesick puppy..that will make you look desperate. And that's something adolescent females do--this isn't high school. This real life and you both are mature adults. Be agreeable, while having your own thoughts and opinions, be polite, be classy, be funny, be sexy, and do reply to his messages, but let him make the first moves. You can't go wrong and if he doesn't spot the 'treasure' in you, then cut him loose. He's not worth it. Good luck and be strong, hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha - I'm not very good at pretending - but I will try it out!!
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reader, yum yum  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 I think it is worth a bit of chasing certaily if you like him. He maybe is waiting for your call to see if you are interested in him. I don't see the harm in calling him unless you think that you could get disapointed with his responce. Good luck!
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Frustrating, isn't it, when he's not cooperating with your wish to make it work. That's the thing here that I think will be difficult for you to get past, you can't make it work without his participation, and there's not much sign of that right now, is there?
I think actually your best tactic would be to become unavailable to him, don't make a drama out of it, just suddenly, you don't instantly answer when he calls or texts, you have mysterious 'other plans' that you are very vague about. The only way you're going to get across to him that you are a desirable woman who deserves better treatment is to start expecting it from him. And by that you need to create in his mind the suspicion that you are not 100% falling all over yourself to be with him, that in fact you might have other offers from better looking, wealthier and more available men and are actually going out on dates with them.
A mysterious bouquet of a dozen red roses on your table at home (or your desk at work, if he sees you there at all) with a cryptic note. "For L~ you're amazing." No signature.
You get phone calls from other people when you're with him, and you turn your head and say in a soft sweet voice, "I can't talk right now, I'll call you back." Hang up, then look distracted for a bit. Get one of your friends to call you when you're going to be with him to get this fiction going. I think there are services you can use to call you too. You'd have to google that, I don't remember any details about them.
When he calls and suggests getting together on the spur of the moment, you pause, and say, "I can't tonight, I'm afraid. What about another night?" Don't make up any details you have to remember later, just keep it vague vague vague. "Other plans." "Not convenient for me." "I simply can't."
I can't believe I'm advocating playing games but if you want to get his attention you need to WAKE HIM UP! And that means get him to see that he risks losing you to another guy if he doesn't start paying more attention to you.
But I still tend to agree with Emily and Teacake in that it's not likely he's going to change and you will continue to be treated like a convenience even if he does shape up for a while. Aren't you worth more than that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what you are all saying! - But I would really like to make this work & I'm not really wanting another boyfriend so...I don't know
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
Definitely lie low for a while! And consider this, he makes himself unavailable and seems not to care about your feelings very much; is it possible that what you're really feeling is the desire for the unattainable? I mean, that what you think is love toward him is actually love toward a fantasy that you've draped over him?
He has you right where he wants you, seems to me, on tap whenever he feels like a bit of sex, a nice time or a nice meal, then he's off without a thought or a care as to how you feel. Quite selfish, really.
If I were you, he'd have been shown the yellow card already, and at the next infraction, he'd be heading for the locker room. I know I'm worth more than that, and I would be out there looking for another man, who is kind and considerate and wants to be with you. Actually, I've found mine, now you go find yours.
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reader, Teacake +, writes (4 December 2008):
 DO NOT CONTACT HIM! We women always make the mistake of chasing. From my personal experience with a man who I was convenient for, it will never change. You will be frustrated and depressed because control is one sided. Relationships are doomed when one person has control.
Cut your losses now or you are doomed for years of misery! He will not change. Its up to you to take back your power and show this guy you have respect for yourself and even if you love him, that is no excuse to allow a man to take you for granted.
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reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 December 2008):
Well you could ring him and he might lower himself to answer and talk to you.
However, if you really love this kind of relationship then why not just go and lie down in a shopping centre. You'll get kicked and stepped on far more often that way.
This guy sees you as a convenience and is that really all you want?
I would find someone who actually gives a crap about you and doesn't leave you begging for crumbs of attention.
Good Luck!! xx
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