A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, he has cheated on me once in the past (during our first year together), as far as I know he has not since.In the three years we have been together, I have never met any of his family or close friends. I know he has male and female friends as he talks often to them on the phone whilst we are together. He goes to family functions alone, and friends weddings etc I'm told about it but never asked along. We both have children from previous relationships, mine live with me and one of his recently went to live with him. He invited me and my children to go and stay at his house, so that's where we spent last week.To be fair he took us all over visiting places, and shared the cost of most things. Although I was excited to get to spend the week with him I came home feeling very deflated and miserable. It seemed at every opportunity he would have a dig at my children. I will give some examples of the things said. (My children are 2 and 4) when they tell me they are hungry or thirsty he would say "all they do is eat" then tell them not to be greedy, (they were asking for food not sweets). My youngest still uses a pushchair at times and when he does the eldest likes to stand on the back, which I do not have a problem with, but he said to him on a few occasions "can't you walk you girl". When we were ready on the morning time to go out he would say "come along then girls".He had his four year old daughter come and stay from the Tuesday night till the Saturday, I always treat her like one of my own, and whenever I bought mine an ice-cream or other treat naturally I buy for her too, nothing was mentioned at those times about mine being greedy. My children are far from greedy, they get very few treats at home as I do not always have the money but I made sure I had enough when we were there so that they could have what ever they wanted, as it was kind of a holiday for them which they never get either. At evening times they played in the garden, just bowling cars about, and playing on the grass, he said that they were dirty and that his daughter is not used to playing with dirty children.I would bathe them and they were in bed by half 7 which is there bed time every night, he would keep his daughter up till ten pm and sit with her on his knee cuddling and kissing her while I sat on the opposite chair, when he put her to bed he once again sat on the opposite chair and watched tv, trying to make conversation when he watches tv is a nightmare, I felt lonely. Then he would say are we going to bed, so off we go, we have sex then he turns and goes to sleep. I needed to go to the bank, he said leave the children with me so I did as it was just around the corner and I was only gone for five minutes. When I returned, they both had awful miserable faces, asking what was wrong he said that he had a talk with them about how they treat me and had told my eldest that he was lazy, that they shouldn't ask me for drinks and food so often and they should both be walking and not using the pushchair as I don't like to push them everywhere. We stopped speaking but carried on that day, as I was walking behind a lot with my children, my eldest told me that he said that he was glad to be taking them home the next day.I also noticed little things, daft things like just buttering bread for them he would butter his daughters all nice and then slap a tiny bit on my sons and say that'll do. My eldest uses the toilet and has been since he was two and half, yet that week he wet himself often. Since we are home he has not been wet and back to the toilet. Now a bit about us only, since I met him he has never really been one to show any affection, I get the odd cuddle, never get compliments but he lets me know if he finds someone attractive as he stretches his neck to get a better look. In the past I have brought up the future on a few occasions, and each time I was made to feel as though I was pushing him, I asked him things like if he would ever live with someone and did he want to settle down, he told me that he did want to settle down but not with me at the minute as my children were too young, but maybe when they are older.We split up twice in the past, the first time was when he cheated, I admit I did a lot of the running to get him back (ashamed to say it) as my feelings for him were very strong, the second time we split becasue he said he wanted time to sort his head out about his life, that hurt me a lot too, but I got on with things. He got back in contact after a month, and I basically went running back a second time.The way things are at the minute between us is like a silent understanding that we see each other but no talk of the future, no big shows of love, no planning nights out as he is busy a lot and has to make time to see me. I never get to say when we see each other, it's always been when he says as he does the travelling. He rings me each day, I never ring him as the times I have he is busy with work and has to go but rings me a short while after, yet again it's another silent understanding that he does the ringing.In general he is not a happy person, he has a lot to say about people who are overweight yet he himself is overweight, he is quick to call someone thick, he complains about so many things, alot of the time I feel as though I'm forever trying to cheer him up. I suppose what I am asking here is: Is it worth continuing with him, in the hope of things ever getting better? Do people change or at forty is he set in his ways? Why do I feel I can't let go, even though I know inside it's not a healthy relationship?Please will someone tell me anything about my post as tonight I'm feeling low and looking for help.
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cheated on me, kissing, money, overweight, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 April 2009):
The question I have for you is: Why are you with him?
I do not understand what you get out of this relationship. You seem to adore him and let him get away with anything but he does NOTHING to deserve this.
If you want to be one of those women that are happy to be beaten down and treated like a convenient doormat by a man then that is your choice. But guess what? You have kids and he clearly terrifies them and treats them badly.
That for me should be the deal breaker and not only should you have stood up for your kids, you should have left and told him not to come near you again.
Tell him that you are not happy and you no longer want to be with him.
If he cares then he's chase you and try and get you back. But somehow I think we both know that won't happen.
Good Luck!! xx
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