A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I haven't found a girl yet. I could if I wanted to. In college I had some chicks reject me. I could have gone for girls that I wasn't interested in. I could have hooked up with them, but I didn't. But now I'm 24, and haven't had sex. I'm slightly worried that I haven't had sex yet. I'm not experienced. That's my issue. I could go to night clubs and bars to get "lucky" one of these nights. However, I'm somewhat conservative. I just don't want to loose it for a night of fun. What do you guys think? Should I just let loose and have fun......or keep on waiting for the one? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Hey, I just asked the exact same question basically in this forum! And the response from guys as well as girls was really comforting, in that not only did I get some good advice (I'm sure you've heard it already in the other comments here, so I won't go down that road) but I also found out there's a hell of a lot more people at this age who have remained virgins - a surprising amount of them men (and mostly for the same reasons as you have). Don't do it just to get it over with would be my advice, everyone has been saying to me that you will regret it if it's a one night stand as opposed to at the very least being a friend of yours or a girlfriend. However, if after a year you haven't lost it and still feel it's time to, then as was said to me, just go for it. Maybe it's better to do something and regret it than to just sit out the experience completely - but again, as I'm still a virgin myself, I obviously don't have much experience to be quoting from here. One last thought: I do remember my first kiss, and that's a bloody horrific memory (I just wanted to get it over with so went with a random guy) and believe me, if you're gonna remember your first time for ever, you really don't want it to be something you look back on in disgust or shame. Good luck dude! :)
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I'm 26 and still a virgin. I've dated, but not had sex. At the very least, you're not alone.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 July 2010):
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there! Even then, I realized that although I definitely wanted to experience sex, what I REALLY wanted was companionship and love with a life-partner.
I was 22 when I met her - and 23 when we took each other's virginity on our wedding night. Yeah, being a virgin at 23 - much less marrying another virgin - put us in the minority, but there are MANY others. It would be 5 or 10 years before we realized that.
I presume your are not looking for just somebody to satisfy your needs for sex. Rather than bars, clubs, etc you may have to start in places like laundromats, bowling leagues, etc. But, in my opinion, the most effective approach may be:
Let some older adults know about your situation!
Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers or professors; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. (Yes, it might possibly be a licensed counselor or sex therapist.) Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your own age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
I'll also elaborate on some other suggestions you may hear. (I posted most of this over a year ago in the thread "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf! Any advice?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html . There are some other good ideas there, too.)
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many girls in a monastery, but you don't have to hang out in a beauty parlor to be around women. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes for fun. Or even a mixed athletic team, like tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process may be easier, and quicker, if one of your guy-friends goes with you. Ask him to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of female acquaintances as potential dates, relationships, or bed partners. (I KNOW this is hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around girls, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on girls alone - even men you know have daughters, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks, either yours or the girls'. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question (but that's something you're still too young to appreciate).
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
Here's my true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is almost your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Keep it as long as you can. Wait until you are Married if you can. My grandmother had a saying...A hurry bird never builds a good nest.
Rush into sex just because, and sex will always be...just because.
Find a girl who wants to wait like you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I've seen a few such posts over the months - and each time I want to shout: don't compromise! It is not weird! It makes me to glad to hear that there are such men out there, who use their own judgment about what they want and why! Be strong in who you are no matter what - that itself will be an attractive feature to the kind of girl you want to find. Your future partner will probably be super thrilled.
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A
female
reader, Destiny123 +, writes (18 July 2010):
that is the sweatest thing ever...
more guys need to be like you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I agree with Miamine you have to get out there and start dating and meeting people. You're never going to know who you want to be with if you never look. Believe me when you meet her and you know she's going to be OK with you being a virgin if that was the choice you made and the way you felt was best. I understand where you're coming from I waited until I was 20 so it's not as unheard of as people think. I think people are just so worried that they're going to be left behind they're to willing to keep pace. Do what feels best for you! Don't worry about what other people think and especially this women you're looking for because if she's the right one she isn't going to judge you!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Nope it's not WEIRD to be a virgin at 24. It may be a little uncommon, but really who wants to be common?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 July 2010):
 If you're comfortable with yourself, just go ahead and take your time finding a special girl. Go out, meet some chicks, get rejected until it doesn't hurt anymore, and find yourself a keeper (as Anti points out, the One does not exist, but there are still good girls).
If being a viring is really, truly bothering you, lower your standards and find a desperate girl. I would advise against this path, due to the long-term emotional damage it may cause, but if losing your virginity is more important than that, the choice is yours.
Good luck either way.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Forget about meeting the "right one", unless your dating you won't know who she is. Also sometimes you don't fall in love straight away, you get to know the person and begin to love them more and more every day.
Forget about the sex for the moment.. I'm more worried about your lack of experience arround girls. It's ok to date even though your not going to have sex. I suggest you start dating to get to know girls and to build up your confidence.
You don't want to "hook" up with a girl, but then how will you know who is the "right one" if your not even looking? Start dating and find out.
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