A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I want a little advice. Last year my partner had an emotional affair with an old friend she had been mailing for years. She ended up going to Sweden to meet her and told me soon after that she thought she was in love with her. We have sought counselling and it appears that my partner has a lot of issues over the years that she has not resolved, self-esteem and such which she talked to this friend about. It appears that despite my asking and watching her send a goodbye email she is having difficulties getting over it, there have been several occasions lately where I have caught her mailing them again..I don’t think it’s still romantic, but who knows… I asked her to leave her log in and passwords to her mail accounts in the study’s draw, then we both know that I have the possibility to check. I told her that I would tell her if I do, but I thought this would prevent the secrecy and rebuild trust between us..She told me that I was hung up on one blip/mistake she had made in the 6 years we have had together and nothing she does is ever good enough for me. She said she wanted to maintain the friendship because her friend was helping her through personal problems as they had been there, that they both don’t want romantic relations, they have never kissed etc. The question is; is it unreasonable to ask for contact in any form to end and that she does what I ask?All I hear is justifications/excuses as to why the friendship should continue, ranging from my other friends don’t relate to my problems of have time/ homesickness (she lives abroad with me) did you read the content of our mail?? Etc. I have said in a recent fight over the issue that I would leave if contact continues and then weeks later I caught her mailing….. I really love her and do feel for her and want to support her in her issues… but can’t deal with the paranoia and secrecy….Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Dash, I think emotional affairs beat physical affairs hands down. I'm so sorry your in this difficult situation, it must be very hard for you.
Normally I would say that a person needs friends and you have no right to deny her the company of somebody that she feels she gets support from, but since she's admitted to feelings of love, your not dealing with a friendship, it sounds like you may be dealing as you say with "an emotional affair".
The choice is yours, she obviously needs the support of this "friend" and is unable to give her up. But she must also care for you, because it's you she's with and has physical contact and romantic feelings for. You must decide whether you are able to continue this relationship, knowing you must also accept her love for her "friend". If you can, try to provide her with more support, try to be the person she turns to in times of trouble. Otherwise you need to end this relationship and find somebody who will share their secrets with you and only you. Good luck.
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