A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My sister had a baby when she was 18 and died a few years afterwards. She was too young, it wasn't her time. The father was a dead beat dad. He is in prison for 15 years for burglary. I have been raising my niece myself. I have the good fortune of being with a wonderful woman that I met who has been very kind and loving. I don't know how I got along without her. We just got married and I'm having an issue. My niece has been calling my wife mom. I told my wife that I don't like it but she thinks it's ok because she wants to be normal and have a mom. Oh it's sad but it bothers me because I don't want her to forget her mom. She was so sweet and loving and I miss her. Sometimes she acts so much like her mom I can't believe it. We were typical siblings growing up and we used to pick and argue at each other all the time. I would do anything if I could have just told her I loved her before she died. I do regret that so much. She had a anurysim. She didn't even know she was sick. She just thought she was having migraines. When I'm driving by myself sometimes I get so mad. I'm not the sweet uncle that raised his niece and treated her like one of her own. I'm Mr. Hyde. I call my sister all kinds of names and say the most vile vulgar things that I wouldn't want anyone to hear me say. I think I'm losing it. As silly as this sounds I am angry with her for leaving me. Well everyone that's read this far. I guess my question is this. Is it alright for my niece to call my wife mom? And also why am I having so much trouble letting my sister go? Is it normal to scream obscenties when I'm alone?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2010): Thanks for answering. I think after reading what I myself wrote that the real issue I am having is that I have a lot of issues with my sister's death. I really loved her. We did fight a lot but we were very close. I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that she's gone. She was one of a kind but I see her in my niece all the time. They even have the same facial expressions. Yeah I guess it's ok for her to call my wife mom.
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (18 May 2010):
I hope other people appreciate how noble and unselfish you are for taking in your niece. That might be something your kind. loving, and wonderful wife admires about you, and loves you for it!
Yeah, you KNOW there's something about your sister's death that bothers you. How long ago was that?
I have buried my father, as well as a child. I didn't have the responses you are reporting, but I have heard of folks who had similar reactions. I won't pretend to know whether you would benefit from some kind of "grief support group", or if you need something more formal and institutional. A disinterested third party - somebody like a clergyman, or the "Employee Assistance Program" at work, or maybe even your family physician - can give you a better opinion of what resources are available, and what may help. Print out a copy of your post and pass it to the person you're asking for ideas, if you don't think you can talk about it directly.
I think you're wrong about your niece's calling your wife "Mom", though. Emotionally and psychologically, she NEEDS a "Mom" in the most intense way possible. As much as you might resent your sister for "leaving" you, your niece probably has the same feelings several times over because her mother "left" her. Except, she may not even know what she's feeling - much less understand it.
Your niece needs much more than biological parents. She needs people who will accept her and love her and teach her and guide her. From what you say, she may need these things twice as much as a child in a "normal" family. Let her understand that you, unlike a biological parent, actually chose HER to be a part of your family. This doesn't deny or cover-up her parentage in any way; it gives her stability, confidence and assurance. If you and your wife don't give that to your niece, there's a risk that she'll look for it someplace else - and end up as a 17-year old, pregnant by a dead-beat felon.
By calling your wife "Mom", she's not rejecting your sister, or dishonoring her. If your wife is everything you say she is, your niece is actually honoring your sister by allowing your wife to be her "Mom". Please let her do that.
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