A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If arguments are to be expected in a relationship, how do you meet someone who has the same level of tolerance for arguments? I once had a boyfriend who would argue with me all the time, I could set a timer on and he'd argue with me at that exact time, like a habit. I told him several times this was too much for me, and not only how often the arguments happened (clockwork every other week on the weekends), but the level of the argument was extremely high. To the point where he'd throw things around, threaten me, yell and call me names. Yet, when I told him it was too much he just said that arguments happen and that it wasn't too much, and that I was always walking away from the relationship (I tried to leave 3 times before I was finally able to, he wouldn't let me go). So then after that experience, I met a lovely man who never argues at all. Ever. With no one at all, not even his family, and as a lone child he didn't have siblings to argue with while growing up. Compared to my relationship past, I felt like we hit it on great, no arguments, and small disputes were talked through. There were a few things that frustrated me at the beginning of our relationship, but I did my best to work around it and adjust to him, like one will in a relationship. Such as him not contacting me as much, so I was the one to do the planning. And occasionally he'd get "cold" and not want physical contact, out of the blue. Which was confusing, and caused an argument, but we dealt with it. Or so I thought. Now he says we argue too much. I feel like a bad person, I feel like I am like my ex boyfriend, who can't see the problem. He says we've argued over minor things, and I honestly can not remember ever doing that. The way I saw it, we were happy, and there were barely any conflicts, and the conflicts we had we natural to happen, and would have happened to anyone. You know, no one would like it if their boyfriend suddenly without explanation went "cold" on you and wouldn't want to even hug you, with no explanation. I guess I want to know, how do I know if too much arguing is too much, and what level both find acceptable before it ruins a perfectly normal relationship? And how do you KNOW if a dispute is a "fight" or an "argument", and if I ever meet someone again who doesn't like any disputes at any level.. what can I do? Because, is it unrealistic to expect a relationship without any arguments, or is that what I should aim at?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (5 June 2011):
 sounds like your latest boyfriend is looking for an idealised version of relationships where the couple agree on everything. i doubt he is ever gonna find this unless he gets a girl with no mind or opinions of her own! you are therefore not the right one for him and i think your thoughts are more realistic. you just want to find the right balance and find a relationship where its ok to disagree about things, the relationship will be strong enough to survive disagreements and for both partners to learn about each other from it.
some arguments are just plain non-constructive and serve no purpose except to vent frustration at each other and say emotionally damaging things that will always be remembered long after the dust settles.
you seem to be wise enough to know the difference OP and really it is only a matter of time before you meet a guy who is like minded
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Hello, I am the original poster, somehow the code I got didn't work, so Im just writing on here.
I guess you're right that these two men are two extreme opposites of the scale, and I need to find a happy medium. Someone who doesn't fight a lot and keeps it cool, but accepts a few arguments here and there without it meaning the end of the relationship.
Me and the recent guy didn't argue with shouting or screaming. If 10 was the shouting, screaming, name calling, horrible sarcastic comments that my first ex went at each and every fight we had, then our fights were at a level 2-3.
Then next when we talked we always figured things out. I guess it still wasn't good enough for him, as he needed it to be perfect and no disputes or disagreements whatsoever. He is much more comfortable just being friends as you don't have these arguments happening then.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 June 2011):
these 2 men you have written about are the 2 extremes the end of the argumentative-passive scale. obviously neither has been right for you but that does not mean that you will never meet a suitable match.
i understand argument to mean that the disagreement gets heated and people start shouting, so maybe if both people are calm and respect each other enough, there is no need for arguments, but just understand that EVERYONE disagrees about things sometimes.
the important thing after a disagreement/argument is the ability to make up afterwards and to be able to come to a compromise with each other, listening to what the other person says and being respectful of someone else thoughts/opinions. if you can't do these things this is what causes the damage in a relationship. it will help to always speak your mind and get issues sorted out before resentment builds up and causes you to make the dispute nasty, and encourage your partner to do the same if they ever have an issue about you that bothers them
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Some people are introverts, who keep everything inside, like your new man.
Some people are extroverts, who let people know their feelings.
Some people love to argue, and think it causes excitement.
It is definitely unrealistic to expect a relationship without arguments. Whether you like them or not, they're bound to happen. however, someday you'll meet someone, and no matter how much you argue and no matter how big the arguments are, it will have no effect because you're so in love.
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