A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Here is my problem. My wife and I have been married 20 years. 13 years ago she left me for another man and had an affair for about 8 months. She came back and we reconciled. However, since then, deep in my heart I wondered if this was the right thing. I've only started to admit this to myself. In 2006 I had an affair with a co-worker for about 8 months. Purely physical not emotion at all. When it was over I never looked back. My wife and I reconciled from that. Now, some beliefs of mine have been shattered. For the longest time I didn't believe that someone could have romantic feelings for more than one person. I have a co-worker at work who on one day was a friend but when I saw her the next day she was more than that to me. I admitted this to her and she admitted that she did as well. Other than some kissing nothing physical has occurred. We decided today that it would be best to stay friends. I believe, and she has hinted that, if I were single she would be mine. Part of me wants this. But, I still love my wife. Is it truly possible to love one person but actually have someone else that is your soulmate? Based on our history do you think that our marriage is doomed anyway? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): You're welcome. You seem to be well grounded, as a person, so I genuinely hope you can endure with your wife. I know how hard it will be to try and pull away from someone else who seems to have such a strong grasp on you.. I've had that happen myself..
If everything is well otherwise in your current relationship with your wife, everything will seem alot clearer and you'll slowly get over those hard feelings, in a year or two. It's a constant pain, for awhile, when you try to let go of someone else that close to your heart, but time is the only cure. It will pass, though, and way down the road you'll look back on it and be thankful you stuck it out with your current partner, even if there are rough times. That's what happened to me, anyway.. so I hope the same peace comes to you, one day.
Alot of people would say someone like you or I shouldn't be with our wife if we question all of our emotions for others outside our marriage, but I do believe it's better to admit those emotions so we can confront and conquer them, one way or another. It's good to see someone admit those very real strong emotions. Eventually, they will fade, and only remembering them will remain. Stay strong at mind, and only then will you be able to make the choice between whether your marriage is worth saving or throwing away for another opportune soulmate. Everyday, you may be plagued with that decision, and somedays will be more difficult than others, but if you decide to stick it out with your wife each day, eventually everything will become easier and easier, and you'll go back to that full sense of peace without distraction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks PuzzleSolver and watsername23 for your answers. I did read the Soulmate article and it was an interesting take. I do want to take the high road and work this out with my wife but I can't deny the feelings in my heart for this other woman. What is so hard, I guess, is that until her I never even knew this was possible. When my wife had her affair she left me because she was angry and didn't want to be married to me anymore. My affair was completely physical. There was no emotion involved at all. When it was over it was over (haven't thought about or spoken in over 4 years). This is so different. I don't not want to married to my wife. Yet what I feel for this other woman is exactly how I felt for my wife before her affair (when I admit to what is in my heart of hearts I have had thoughts of wondering whether reconciling was done because I wanted to be with her or because I didn't want to be alone). I am having physical pain knowing that we will only be friends from here on out. I know that I should feel that way. But I can't lie about what is in my heart either. If she came to me and said that she wanted to try and be with me I can't say that I would say no. That's why I was wondering about the soulmate issue. My wife is the only other person that I have felt this strongly and deeply for (I'm too scared to say I am in love or falling in love with this other woman partly because I don't even know if that is possible). I suppose I'll get over my feelings for this other woman but I don't know. I only want her to be happy so I told her that I would bow out and let her pursue her relationship with someone else that is treating her right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I was reading an article on this website a while ago, and I think that it will answer some of your questions. I suggest you go read it. Just click on the articles section on this website, scroll down and there will be a article titled "Soulmates". I hope this helps you. Good Luck!:]
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Yes, it's entirely possible. Based on mass numbers of people in the world, alone, I would have to be crazy to think that there is only one person alive, today, who might just bump into me and become naturally that close. There has to be alot more than just one very compatible possible soulmate out there for most people... more like hundreds, I believe. That's just my theory, based on how many people are actually out there who might qualify to fill those shoes.
Honestly, I think that realizing that is what will help to save your marriage. You'll be able to distinguish between possible and obvious soulmates, and the one soulmate at home who is settled in with you and seems fated to be with you. When each of you went on an affair for 8 months, when you returned to each other was when you realized that. Each time you acknowledge there are other possible soulmates out there, you'll strengthen your ability to discern between the less significant ones and the one who you should be loyal to.. treating your partner at home like they're the only soulmate you need and want.
20 years is a long time, so now is a better time than ever to start deciding between going off (or flirting) with the odd soulmate material that comes your(her) way, or staying with and being loyal to only the one you love and care for until eternity, feeling sure that you're completely fated to be with that person.
Just like you are sure to have at least one or 10 in the world who look almost exactly like you, there will always be a few who are almost exactly like you on every other level. Do you want to take the easy path by acting on the other matches, or take the more challenging path of sticking it out with your wife. It ultimately comes down to your view of marriage. Traditionally, no matter how you married, no marriage is perfect, and it's about getting through those tests and challenges. I can't tell you how to work with that, but I think you know the right path, if you stay married.
Foresaking all others includes soulmates.. or anyone else.
I hope that by putting it that way, you can understand that it's a very real possibility and therefore temptation, when you're married. With that knowledge, you can start to rise above falling into temptation with any soulmates outside the marriage. Please don't take offense to my advice, since I don't wish to pass my beliefs on, but only the knowledge that comes with, that may be of some use to help you sort out any confusion.
Most people marry because they believe they are fated to be with only that one person(or soulmate). It's been a while since you tied the knot, so try not to lose faith in yourself and your wife, since that will help to keep your marriage strong.
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