A
female
age
36-40,
*urvlyeyes
writes:Basically its a very complicated story. Back in April I almost lost my job twice over and me and my partner were not getting on 2 well. on august the 9th he cheated on me for a week just kissing with one of my friends. I forgave him, but he went to the doctors also and was diagnosed with depression. We were okay for a few weeks coming to terms with this. Things started looking suspicious then I found out a few weeks later he had carried this one with her and I found out from finding photos and finally admitted what was going on. He says he is very confused and needs space to sort himself out and needs to understand why this has happened. Meanwhile I am waiting for his decision, he is still going over there and speaking to her and does not understand that this is not fair. I really dont know what to do, this depression has changed his whole personality. He isnt the person he used to be, im sure its his depression and I should wait this out but cant keep thinking that I am to blame for this. I really want to hold on. Is it true he needs time and no pressure to sort himself out before he makes any decisions, its just the hardest thing ever to do. I just want to make him see sense and that I'm still here and he cant throw everything we had away for her. We have been together nearly 6 years and have a house together. this woman rents and already has a child from another man and its like she has wound him around her little finger and manipulated him whilst he isnt himself. I would apprecite any feedback.Thank you
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cheated on me, kissing, needs space Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009): this may seem blunt but the only person who truly knows the answer to your question is the very man you speak of. but perhaps maybe moving on is the best solution.
A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (1 November 2009):
 pps
he needs not to feel trapped with you, because maybe this is why he broke ship
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (1 November 2009):
ps
and yes, i know it's hard, but i think that if you want any chance of him coming back, you have to just hold your tongue and give him absolutely free rein at the moment. if he wants you, he'll come back, and he will appreciate what you've done. maybe you need to show him that you can listen to him and his request and respect that.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (1 November 2009):
I half agree with Dr Psych. Actually, I think your relationship wasn't going well and there were a lot of pressures (eg, your job), and it was all miserable and stressed at home, so it was the perfect situation for him having an affaire (men don't usually have affaires when all is going great - they tend to want to escape when things get tough) (some of them - not all!). Anyhow, I think the boring/miserable/stressed thing at home made him do what he did with the other woman. And his depression, I am pretty sure, was as a result of all of this - he probably does feel v guilty at deceiving you, but at the same time wants to keep seeing the woman, so he is torn, and feels bad - and gets depressed. He's lost his peace of mind - he can't do what he wants without feeling bad.
I'm afraid it does sound to me like he might not want to be with you, and it certainly sounds like he isn't much use at the moment. However, I respect long relationships and I also know a lot of things can happen and people still stay together, so I think you should sit it out. Is he living at home still?
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A
female
reader, lurvlyeyes +, writes (1 November 2009):
lurvlyeyes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe says he doesnt want a realtionship at the moment and by speaking to he says he needs it to make sense as to why it happened before he can move on and make things right. It feels like that he is trying to make a choice between the two of us. Or he really just does need to sort his head out. His first counselling session has come through for Wednesday. He refuses though to cut contact with this woman altogether.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 November 2009):
 It seems to me that you are focusing on the wrong person here. You shouldn't blame the other woman as that misdirects you from the real person at fault - your partner. It seems to me that he is using a diagnosis of depression to account for his bad behaviour. Depression can be a difficult illness and recovery can take a while. However, that doesn't give him an 'excuse' for mistreating you. He cheated because he wanted to cheat and saying he is depressed is just making him feel better about his behaviour and providing an excuse for further bad behaviour. The fact is that no-one pushed him at gunpoint into the arms of another woman. I appreciate you have a life with him - house, relationship history - but that is not an excuse to sit back and accept the situation passively. If you do that or try to attribute his bad behaviour to depression then nothing will ever change. You have to stand up for yourself and if he is unwilling to change by getting treatment for his mental condition (cognitive behavioural therapy via a GP referral), as well as not seeing the other woman then pack a bag and leave with some dignity.
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A
male
reader, the bear  +, writes (1 November 2009):
To be blunt - he's gone. He simply wants to have his cake - you - and eat it too - her. Do not make the mistake of trying to live for him. Move on, when he does call, be wary. He wants more cake if he calls you. Get as far from the situation as you can, get involved in your own life and move on. It will be painfull for a while - been there, done that - but I've had a pretty good life ever since I got my divorce. Many girls for the obvious, and lots of girls for platonic relationships only, lots of fun. Move on, move on move on!
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