A
male
age
36-40,
*atercooledVW
writes:Hello there everyone! I am a 26 year old guy who has been married for almost 3 years. My wife and I have always had a great friendship and we love each other very much, however our sex life has been suffering for the last 2 years and it is driving us apart. Here is what is going on in the best way thet I can explain:I am the type of guy who will avoid conflict at all costs. My wife is the type that will speak her mind no matter how it sounds and alot of the time she comes across as being rude and disrespectful. several people have asked me why i let her talk to me this way. By her doing this, I became "turned off" to her because I was hurt by her words and I did not try to have sex with her for weeks at a time. This went on for a year and a half. She would complain about the lack of sex and blame me for not thinking she is pretty (she is very very attractive)and so we would have sex and this would last for 2-3 weeks until I shut down again as she became more disrespectful. this visious cycle went on for a year and a half until she finaly told me that she has "given up" on our sex life and she no longer wants to be intimate with me because she is tired of getting her hopes up just to be let down again. I explained to her that it was not me finding her unattractive, but it was her words that were turning me off. I have been reciently layed off for the winter and I was working out of town doing excavation and now I am home enough to realy put some effort into this relationship and realy work on things but my wife says it is too late. She says it cant work, but she gave me one more chance and when we went to make love, I couldnt get hard!!! I was like WTF?? I was turned on and excited but I was also a little stressed out as I was wanting to perform good for her. So now she has taken that as proof that I think she is unattractive (she is not ugly, she is amazing) and she will not even let me toutch her and says it feels fake. I want this so bad and I need advice on how to approach this situation. What do I do? I understand that she feels rejected and she is hurt but I want to make it better but I do not know where to start. Any advice here is much appriciated. Thanks in advance for the feedback!
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male
reader, watercooledVW +, writes (2 November 2010):
watercooledVW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all the input. I have been standing my ground on the whold disrespect issue. Things have been getting worse and she is growing more distant from me. She is crying alot and if I try to talk about things with her, we just end up arguing. She does not believe anything that I say. If I try and give her some space and just consentrate on taking care of the house work and the kids then she thinks that I am ignoring her and that it is a sign that I do not care. She says that she does not know what she wants. Thanks again for the advice everyone, it is much appriciated!
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 One sentence really stands out.
"I am the type of guy who will avoid conflict at all costs."
That is the source of every problem right there. Many conflicts are entirely worth having. Part of being a grown man is standing up and demanding a certain amount of respect, *esepcially* from your wife. Some people, and she sounds like one, are driven to constantly harass conflict-fearing folks int he hopes of gettigna response. When guys act this way, it's one thing, but women are actually less sexually attracted to diffident guys who won't stand up for themselves.
Think of it this way - if you were cavepeople, and you would let her talk down to you, how could you have the strength to defend her from saber toothed tigers?
If she disrespects you, tell her it is unnacceptable, and do not back down from that statement. Don't argue, don't fight, just stand you ground. Tell her you are not going to get involved in any childish conflicts, and you are not going to feed her attempts to do so.
Counterintuitively, being willing to aruge back will improve your relationship with your wife. She will have so much more respect for you - and respect is every bit as important as love and attraction. Seriously - she will be happier, and care more about you, if you don't put up with her nonsense.
You will also find that standing up for yourself gives quite a testosterone rush. I'm not medically qualified to say that it will help you regain full functionality, but I would be surprised if it did not (at least after the first few times).
Replace your line with this classic - "I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people, and I require the same of them." - John Wayne, The Shootist
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Well, you definitely need counseling. You may need a medical evaluation for erectile dysfunction.
Giving someone "one more chance" is not fair, stressful, and I might add a definite stressor that can cause lack of sexual performance.
Get a counselor, don't try to do this on line counseling.
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