A
female
age
41-50,
*sTheGrassGreener?
writes:I feel like I'm the only one in this situation, but I know with all the people out there, I can't be.I've known my husband since we were 12 years old. We had the same circle of friends, and eventually became high school sweethearts. We've been together for 19 years this coming June, but married for 5. He have no kids, nor do we want any. First I want to say, my husband is a fantastic guy, a wonderful human being, and a great provider. But I'm not sure I should be with him any longer. We live more like best friends than like husband and wife. We have a sexless marriage, and yes I mean we have sex less than 10 times a year. It's been like this for the past 9 years! Until 2001, we had sex regularly, and it was always a 10. We're very compatible in bed, and would follow up with showers together. We are very open-minded about sex and have spoken often about threesomes and foursomes, but have never done it. It's more talk than anything else.However, when he was on a business trip in 2001, he had a sexual experience with another male. He told me all about it afterwards. I was very excited and happy for him because it was an experience. Any sexual experience helps you understand yourself better and what feels good to you. But since then our sex life has not been the same. He says he's bored with sex now. There's no passion, and more importantly, no foreplay. I remember when we would spoon in bed and he'd get an erection. Now, nothing ever happens. I can't even remember the last time we've kissed and used our tongues. Now, it's just pecks on the cheek and kisses on the lips. In the past I would beg for sex. It came to the point where I vowed never to beg my husband to make love with me ever again. There were a lot of tears that night between the both of us regarding that conversation. He was okay with my announcement, I think it took the pressure off of him. Now when we do have sex, it feels awkward before and afterwards. We both close our eyes during so we don't make that connection like we used to. Like I said, we're best friends and respect each other but that's where it ends. We get along great as friends, and have things in common. He's more of a homebody, but I like the outdoors and working out. So we don't do the things I like to do, but that's what friends are for...I guess.We've never been with anyone else, just each other, so, my question is, should we move on and experience other relationships? Is the grass greener on the other side?
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best friend, erection, foreplay, move on, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, IsTheGrassGreener? +, writes (13 February 2009):
IsTheGrassGreener? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Anonymous for your reply, I really appreciate it. Yes, it's a very scary feeling; thinking of leaving and trying something new on any level, but on a relationship level I'm terrified! It would be so much easier if he or I were horrible people and treated each other terribly, but that's not the case. But you are right, 50 years is a lot worse than 20 years. I will keep you posted either way. Thanks again for your insight.
A
female
reader, IsTheGrassGreener? +, writes (13 February 2009):
IsTheGrassGreener? is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi LOSTONEla,
No, he's not gay, and he's not getting any on the side either; I know him that well. We're open enough that he would tell me. As for building our love, I've bought all the right books, we kiss every day, hold hands, and are loving to each other. I know he loves me and I love him, that's not the issue, I just don't know/think we're "in love" with each other. We've known each their since we were 12 years old, so reminiscing about elementary school gets cloudy. Funny, but not romantic. It just makes us both sad because we know it will never be like it was.
Thank you for your suggestions though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Hi, I think it's very brave of you to sit down and write about thing so honestly. You are in a difficult situation because of all the time you've been toghther and what you share but you do realise that things aren't the way you'd want them to be anymore.I hate that expression of the grass being greener on the other side, because it always seems but rarely (if not never) is.However it sounds to me like you are not compatible anymore, people changes a lot from 12 to 32 and you probably don't want the same things or see life the same way as you did then, just look how much we change physically, imagine how much more we change in mind and spirit.I think you know what you what and know where you are standing very clearly, that's the first and most important step, the next one is asking yourself how? How will you get the things you want for yourself?It sound to me like you have a great frienship with your husband and there's need to loose that, but don't neither of you sound like you are getting what you need out of a relationship.I know that 20 years are a long time, but it'd be a pitty to see you asking "Is it time to move on after almost 50 years toghether? in 30 years from today.I think that both of you need to go check the grass on the other side for yourselves. You need to get out doors and travel and meet people and get the movement and excitement you are craving, to see if that's what you need. An he needs to explore his homosexuality to see if that's what he's into. Maybe that's his preference, but since you've been toghether since forever never got a chance to find out, as you couldn't see what's out there either.Maybe it's just that you've come into a rut, and giving each other some space and taking sometime apart might help both of you to clear all the doubts in your head and to make sure that you really want to be with each other and recover that passion you used to have.I think people should never feel too old to change a life that they don't find fullfilling, and specially not people in their 30s.I know it sound threatening, you have probably reached some comfort and are afraid to risk it all for something that might not work or might not be as exciting as you thought. I believe your husband probably feels the same way, so if you are such good friends I'm sure you can TALK ABOUT IT. I insist, you don't need to cut strings and loose the friendship, this will be a time for exploring and you'll need a good friend to talk to and share your new experiences with, who better for it than each other. Just promise to one another that you take at least 1 year of, that you'll go where you want to go, and do what you need to do, and be with the people you want to be, and if by the end of that year, not before you believe you belong to each other, then good for you, and if you find the opposite, good for you too.There's a song that says something like "I want you to go around the world, and I want you to meet a lot of people, and I want you to kiss other lips, so you can compare me today as always. If you find a love that understands you and you feel it loves you more than anyone, then I'll turn around and leave, with the sun as the afternoon flies" I think that's what both of you are needing.I know it sound like a scary thing to to, but the longest journey starts with one step.Good luck and I hoe you find fullfillment.
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A
male
reader, LOSTONEla +, writes (12 February 2009):
I am sorry to hear this and am unsure how much of the lack of sex is because of his other experience. Do you think he is gay or bi, and is getting something on the side? If not, then try building on your love life - telling each other you love each other, kiss, get a list of things together that makes you feel loved, and ask each other to pick from them to make each other happy - put each other 1st and try and build love and excitment. You had it once and it takes work to bring it back but it can be done - start reminising about what you to used to do, when you 1st met, and how you felt then about each other. Good luck
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