A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my relationship seems to be on the rocks with my boyfriend of over three years.I have a 5year old daughter from a previous relationship, which ended because i couldn't take anymore lies, disrespectful behavior which of course lead to distrust.However i just had a baby with my present relationship but i wanted out just before i was sure to be pregnant. The reason being was of similar nature, he says he never slept with anyone but he admitted to me he bumped into an old friend, who he uses to have (for lack of a better word) freaky sex with in the past. They ended up hanging out, but nothing happened because he really couldn't bring himself to do it, he said he felt bad and needed to tell me. However i came across facebook messages and emails which are quite qestionable we have had arguments about them he insists he loves me nothing has ever happened. He is more on the freak side i am not very sexual but we use to have sex alot, i was open to try new things with him but i have since changed my mind cause it almost feels like its not really me he wants but just to satisfy his desire, now sex its maybe once a week, i think i have lost the drive completely.Sometimes i dont want to be around him.He complains about the lack of sex and i want to tell him go get it where he wants to.Since all that has happened i sometimes feel inadequate and i am not capable of pleasing him. I try to move past it but sometimes it pops back in your head. He sometimes is just moody and that just adds to it, sometimes i feel like i am invisible to him and he seems to complain about everything, I dont want to uproot my daughters life again and that of my new baby. My daughter seems to be acting out recently since she is adjusting to the new life and it puts added pressure on the relationship since we sometimes disagree on methods used in raising her. I feel like closing the door on this relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Firstly, I am from Trinidad but I moved away and live abroad. I think people can not truly understand the mentality there and Westerners giving advice without an understanding of the society is not always difficult.
Having gotten used to the Western way of life, I was very shocked when I went home and witnessed many things I considered "abnormal" to the life I am now used to. Firstly, it seems so commonplace to cheat. I mean, in some ways - it is even socially acceptable. I see a lot of women who stay with men, despite knowing he is cheating or doing things that are not right. Here in the UK, I do not know a single woman who would put up with this behaviour. While back in Trinidad it seems so many women (even huge amounts in my family) who sort of accept this behaviour and continue to stay with the guy.
My advice to you is be different. You do not have to put up with that. And knowing the culture there and what you have discovered via texts etc your suspicions are right.
Also, do not stay with him because you are worried about the local gossips who are going to be saying you are a single mum or that you had kids with two different father. Remember, these local gossips are prob the same stupid women who stay with men who treat them badly. You do not need that and deserve much more respect.
Also, you have a daughter. You want to set the right example to her of how a man should treat her. So give her a good example to go by. Imagine if it was your daughter and she were in this situation - what advice would you give to her as a mother? Now think about it and take the same advice for yourself.
GOod luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): You've pretty much reached the conclusion that you're done.
I just hope you don't let him off the hook with regard to financial child-support for your baby.
He has equal responsibility for the child's care and support; so you can have it arranged to be deducted from his check, and never really have to deal directly with him about it. You should work-out reasonable arrangements for visitation rights. The baby is innocent; and should have the benefit of a relationship with his/her father. Your daughter is already acting out due to pressure; and issues between the two of you. Is she attached to your boyfriend?
Does he treat her as his own?
It sounds like she doesn't have a father-figure. I don't know if she is attached; but if she is; please put her feelings before yours in that area.
I don't think I should say that, you know what's best there. I didn't mean you should have to put-up with him. If If she wishes to spend time with him, once you've squared things away. Maybe supervised-visits can be arranged. I hope it works out well for her sake, in any case..
Don't put yourself through anymore emotional hardship. However; you need to work on some of your own issues; so you'll stop bringing dysfunction into your life, and exposing children to it.
If you're not on the pill, and having unprotected sex; needless to say you'll be dealing with unplanned pregnancy. A stable environment assures children a better chance of good development, and they'll be well-adjusted. They have enough to deal with these days.
School-life is rough these days; kids become bullies or aggressive when they feel helpless, and experience too much aggression around them.
Perhaps it is time to consider birth-control for future relationships, and the use of condoms. It affects not only you; when the relationship doesn't workout.
If you have kids, they have to go through feelings of abandonment when the father leaves home. They also deal with your stress, and reactions to domestic turbulence. Their little minds aren't developed enough to deal with emotional-conflict, and confrontation consistently going on.
Please work on getting a career; and rebuild your confidence and independence.
Just walking-out on situations you've created for yourself; doesn't set a very good example for your children. It's not only the fault of the men you're dealing with; it's also about the choices you're making.
Try to remember to keep your emotional-reactions and quarreling to a minimum around your kids. They hear and see everything, and they internalize all the anguish and turmoil around them. They just want to play and be happy.
It comes out in peculiar or aggressive behavior. As you have already witnessed. They deserve to see you both behaving with civility and maturity in their
presence.
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