A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title* Hey everyone. I really need some help...I am in a relationship with a guy and have been for nearly two years now. He was my first for everything. I mean I dated a few guys before I met him, but it was nothing serious. I always said I'd wait for someone that I trust and love for my first sexual encounter, and this guy was that guy. I met him when I was twenty and now I'm nearly twenty two. We have spent so much time, money, and effort into this relationship, it seems like a total waste to end it. But...Lately he has been grinding my nerves to no end. His habits seem to get worse and worse, especially when it comes to calling about information I need, like what time he can come over for holidays with my family or if he's coming at all. I have to hound him constantly for important info.There is another issue where I try to call him to talk (just to chat) and he'll say he's busy and to call him later. ALL the time. Mind you, he works forty hours, on top of that he has a full time band who are trying to make Warped Tour, and on top of that he has to do household chores. And then he gets super upset when I call him late, because he has work early the next morning. I try to tell him that he told me to call later, and that he's always busy otherwise, so when does he want me to talk to him? And he always says 'well certainly not at one in the morning!'. I don't know what he expects. That we only talk the two or three days a week that we can see each other personally? No calls? His little flaws before that I didn't really mind are starting to become bigger and bigger issues. I find myself getting angrier and angrier, and having a lesser and lesser desire to be with him. I'm actually considering going over to his place today and breaking things off. He doesn't believe in 'breaks', and he won't get back together with anyone if they break up. So if I end things, I end things for good. I just have lingering doubts because I still love him. And he still loves me. He is always bringing up moving in together and searching for apartments. He has been in quite a few relationships before, and this is the first one he has ever wanted to take 'all the way'. He even talks about marriage. Granted, beyond these flaws he has, he treats me like a princess. Always takes me out when we are together, always takes care of me when I'm sick or hurt, and he includes me in every aspect of his life. I am just so stuck and depressed. I really don't know what to do. This is the first time I've had to deal with this issue, and any help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 April 2010):
 I don't know what career he's working towards, besides music. I was just imagining myself to be him, I would be worried too if you are going to be a doctor while I am working full time to support my musical dream, something you are not too keen on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone.
One last update. I ended up going out to his house, giving him his things, and trying to talk. He said he was 'tired of chasing me' and was willing to give it another chance, as was I. He fell asleep, and then I went to the living room to watch tv, only to sit on his phone. It started vibrating and his friend that's a girl was texting him.
Turns out all last night (after we got off the phone about the situation), he was texting her about how much he regretted the relationship and he went as far as to poke fun at me for my choices in music and our differences...which was something I thought he really loved about our relationship. At least, that's what he told me.
So I gave him his phone and stated that if he really wanted someone just like him, he should be with her instead of wasting my time. I broke things off and left, and then ended up getting into an accident on the way home. All and all, it was a very rough day, and I guess things just weren't meant to be. I'm ok, my car got flipped, so it's quite a bit damaged. He hasn't talked to me since and his friends are happy that he is single yet again...
SO dealing with the first break up is hard. Especially when it's someone who you truly loved at one point. Thanks again everyone for the advice, and either way, I think I'm going to be happier without the stresses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey everyone. Thank you so much for the responses. It makes me feel much better that people understand what I'm going through.
Through this relationship, I have been so understanding of the band. I have given up our slotted times to see each other for them to practice more for a big show, I've stood behind my boyfriend when it comes to his dreams in life (as he has done constantly for mine, which is medical school), and I would much rather break things off with him rather than get in the way of whatever future he wants. I have taken time to go to his shows when he needs the ticket sales, I have listened to him practice and critiqued whatever songs he wants to play in front of me on our one on one time. He lives and breathes music.
He says he loves me because I've been the most supportive inspiration in his life so far, and because of that, he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But I don't think I can put up with it anymore...
Sorry for the long update, just feels good to vent. Anyway, you have helped me quite a bit, and I will be going over today to seriously talk about things, not to break up just yet. You guys are right. This relationship deserves another chance and a serious talk, not an automatic break up.
Thanks again, you really have no idea how much you've helped me. :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): Whatever it is, you are clearly not happy. The relationship might have ran its course. Sounds like you had a good relationship, but it is also sounds like you need a break, or even a break up. He's clearly not meeting your needs, and you're too young to not have other experiences. Celebrate a good realtionsip, and a good break up.:) Don't demonize him. It's time for something new. Don;t destruct the relationship by picking at him for a year, and end up heating eachother -- say maturely it's time to move on -- been fun -- let's meet for a coffee in 4 months. End it as friends. Sounds like you still care about him, so don;t create drama in your head just to make a break up easier (lots of people do that -- not good).
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): I've played in a band for years, and trust me, it takes alot of your time, and my wife used to get upset(before we were married) when I'd have to play, practice, anything..
It's really hard to live a normal life, and like I've heard before, it's true that it's not reality, the more you get successful. Eventually, he might have to do like I had to, and choose between living in one spot with his family, or travelling all the time, and only 'visiting' his wife or family. If he's working anywhere beside playing in a band, it will be hectic for him, and I've lived that frustration, too. So I realize where he's coming from, but I know what you mean, as well, since it's hard to break through and have any time for one another. I wouldn't dump him just yet, but first tell him you feel he needs to find more time for you and that you want to give him a chance, because you're tired of waiting in line for any quality time. He might not quit any job or band, but maybe he'll find some way to compromise for time spent on your relationship, because he appears to love you otherwise, so I wouldn't throw it away where you might be able to get stronger by getting through this hurdle together. His band might just burn out, too, because many of them eventually do..though no band ever wants that to happen, if things are going well with their success. I would wait it out.. Life changes quick, sometimes, especially for aspiring musicians. It can be a huge learning process for them, and if he loves you enough, he might just be more willing to change his schedule to spend more time with you than you can imagine.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 April 2010):
Whenever artists make it big on stage, or writes a book, the first person they thank are spouses who put up with ignoring them, then other people. He may or may not make it, but he needs your patience to develop his passion. You are part of his inspiration. He breathes you into his music. You hope he becomes successful but part of you don't. Part of you just wishes the band breaks up. He's doing the best he could to include you in his life, so don't break up. Just make sure he stays clear from alcohol and drugs. Enough people had prematurely died in a bath tub already.
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female
reader, JuiceMario  +, writes (3 April 2010):
 Sounds like you're in a very tough situation! If I were you I'd take some time to sit down together and talk about the issues you have with the relationship and some of the things that annoy you. Back it up with lost of positive things too so it doesn't sound like you're just nagging.
A lot of people find it difficult to find the right balance between work life and personal life and I suspect your boyfriend is struggling with this. He loves you and wants to be with you but he loves his work and his band and wants to be with them too. Talk to him about this. Tell him you understand that work and the band are very important to him, but you're feeling a little neglected. He probably just hasn't realised how much it's getting to you, men aren't very perceptive!!
Moving in together might be a very good idea. It's a step forward in your relationship and means that will see a bit more of each other. But talk it through thoroughly before making any decisions.
Good luck! :)
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