A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need Help.. I'm 22 years old and my boyfriend is 35, he has 2 kids 18 and 13 both boys. I am currently 3 months pregnant and couldn't be any happier I'm so excited for my baby we both are, after months of waiting we finally are getting our new home, at first the plan was to have the boys come over on weekends which I was okay with I loved both of them. I recently promised the 18 year old a new phone and laptop only if he would behave, turns out he's been smoking and drinking.So heartbreaking at this point I'm over it.i'm not buying him anything. My one and only priority is my child. It's obvious he doesn't care what I say, he's graduating high school this year and he doesn't want to get a part time job or go to college, but yet he has to live with us I really don't want him too but the mom doesn't want him. We I agreed to have him stay with us, but now my boyfriend hit me with the news that the 13 years old will be coming too, just because he wants to live with us. Like why? I don't want either one of them to live with us besides i need my space, my baby needs its space and I refuse to split bills if his kids are going to live there. I love my boyfriend but I'm scared if I tell him how I really feel he would flip out, am I being selfish???? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2015):
 You sound like a responsible and mature young lady, and I FULLY understand why you are apprehensive towards having both his kids living there, hence the RULES you need to make.
If you think 30/70 is fair, then YOU tell your BF that. You, also need to decide if you want to take on the 18 year old and for how long what with what limitation. That is something you will have to negotiate with the BF. For instance if he does any more B&E he is out. IF he doesn't get a job, go to school or join the military (which he might not be able too with his criminal record) then he is out. Take him on for a trial period. Decide on let's say 6 months. IF it works out, THEN you can renegotiate the 13 year old. Maybe having BOTH of them right in the middle of you being pregnant is NOT a smart thing and THAT is OK to feel that way.
Have curfew rules. Chores/rent etc. ALL written down. Just because he is now considered an adult doesn't mean he can just move in and freeload.
So BE smart, be reasonable. And talk to the BF. Find common ground here.
As long as you accept that they ARE a package deal, and now part of your extended family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2015): Thank you all for your feedback its just I really don’t know what to do, idk what’s happened to me at first I was all for is kids staying with us and even having one of them live with us, but now I really don’t. Maybe it’s the hormones or the fact that I cant deal with a 18 year old who does what he wants, he has no goals and ambition I mean at 18 I was in college and working and graduated 2 years later now I am pursuing my bachelors, like hello I work full time, soon to be mom and go to school, all we ask of him is to pick either job, school or military. Not to mention he has two pending court cases for breaking and entering, and the mom just doesn’t care hey better for her she doesn’t want him, Also he was with her for a very long time so he always took care of his kids so its not like he never did, her on the other hand only bill she had to pay was her phone according to him. But me, I am willing to do more obviously; I make an excellent income, so does he. At first we planned everything 50/50 but now I think it should be more 40/70 since both of his kids will be living with us and yes both of them will have their own rooms not to mention the things they where are expensive. I don’t think I should be responsible for that, they have their mother and father let them figure it out she works fulltime and lives of the government but doesn’t have money for her kids? Like I pay bills and still have money, you get everything payed for and don’t that’s bs to me. Oh but at the end of the year she wants to claim both her kids on her taxes and my man cant.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2015):
While I DO understand you up to a point, I also think you are being a little ridiculous.
You have been dating and made a baby with a guy who has other children. Which means THEY will always be his priority and part of his life. These kids don't just "go away" because you now have produced another kid. These 2 boys are your child's half-siblings and they should be just as important as you child.
I get that you aren't willing to pay (specially for an 18 year old who doesn't want to do squat) and I can see why the mom is happy to get him out of HER house. But here is the thing, WHEN you decided to not only date, but have a child with an older guy who has older children, THEY (him and the boys) are a package deal and you can't pick and choose what you want from the package. You get him "warts, kids and all".
And yes, I HAVE been in your situation - I had my husband's youngest son and the son's half-brother (not by my husband) come stay with us - though mostly for week-ends and a couple of weeks over summer, and while my husband was deployed. And Yes, it was costly as the mom paid for nothing. And even though the kid in now 22 and his oldest daughter is 26, my husband STILL help them out when he can. It's what parents do. I love my "own" 3 kids to the ends of the Earth, but I also love my stepchildren and the ones that aren't my husband's bio ones.
You need to sit your BF down and set some ground rules. And do it now. You two need to set a budget. Since the 13 year old isn't living with the mom, she needs to pitch in financially (if he did the same when they lived with her) so the "drain" doesn't come squarely on your shoulders. THAT is however something your BF needs to sort out.
And don't forget the 13 year old WILL spend some time at his mom's too from time to time.
And I would encourage your BF to ACTUALLY parent his boys SPECIALLY the 18 year old who thinks he can loaf around. My stepson has been talking about coming up here and stay with us - and while it's going to be cramped - I will follow my husband's lead. THIS is his child too. But I WILL NOT have some 22+ "kid" living with us who does nothing. It's either school or work, or both. IT IS OK for you to put your foot down if you feel you are being taken advantage off.
Consider this, the boys MOM took care of them until now, maybe it's time for your BF to take a bigger role as the boys are older.
I know it is a LOT that will fall on your VERY young shoulders. But as a almost mom, you need to be able to "roll with the punches" - you NEED to be able to adapt. Kids aren't static, they grow, they change, the "evolve" and you are part of that process. But it also doesn't mean it's ALL your responsibility now - it is HIS (your BF's) responsibility to take care of HIS kids and while you live together, you (as his partner) are there to help.
So sit that BF of yours down, and SET some ground rules. IF you are not OK with the 18 year old living like mooch of you, I think you should bring that up. That he NEEDS to either get a job (and help pitch in - I know I did when I was 17-18 and living at home) or go to college.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 Selfish ? Yes and not. Yours is a very sensitive situation where unluckily everybody has very valid reasons for their preferences .
I mean, of course you need your space and your baby needs its space, is a very legitimate request, and of course who can blame you if you do not want to spend your own money to feed two kids who have their own mom and dad to provide for their needs.
Then again, haven't you been a bit imprudent, a bit impulsive ? You knew your bf was a dad of teen kids when you got together, and you knew, I suppose, that with the lamentable exception of absent deadbeat dads, a decent guy will always put his kids first ,no matter what, and will always do his best to take care of them according to the material and emotional needs of the moment. Yes, because with kids the situation is in fluctuation. Good kids may turn bad ( and viceversa of course ! ) , at times they may need more of a material and emotional investment that it was planned, they may need more of a parent's time, resources and attention than it was expected. I know that the initial agreement was " weekends only ", but family matters are not like commercial transactions, if conditions change you can't legally (nor morally, I'd say ) nail the other party to the initial deal.
A friend of mine married a divorced gentleman with FOUR older children ( the youngest was in her last year of high school, the others in college ). No problem child there, all good guys and girls, they all graduated, they all found very good jobs and settled, scattered all over Europe . They only would come home to dad at Xmas time and for part of their summer holidays ,and my friend actually looked forward to these reunions, being sincerely fond of her stepkids and also a " the more we are the merrier " type of person.
Fast forward ten years : 3 out of 4 have come back to live with dad , for differents reasons . All three of them, for different reasons, can't afford, financially or emotionally or healthwise to stand on their own feet and live on their own, and have come to stay with Dad ( who has much more living space and money than their Mom , so I guess it's fair ). My friend , who has really a sunny disposal, handles the situation gracefully, yet she is worried because there is no set date to end it. Her husband has been very clear : it will take the time it will take. A son or daughter in need , whether they be 20,30, 40... are still your children in need ,and a parent must help the best that he can .
So I am not surprised if you feel that you are taking on much more than you bargained for- but I would not be surprised if your bf couldn't see it this way. You took him knowing that he was a family guy , and since now he feels his family needs to be together under one roof, he expects you to adjust and roll with punches.
( Someone may say that the 18 y.o. is of age and he needs a dose of tough love, and to be kicked out to fend for himself... that's a matter of opinions, of course ; but , if it's not the father's opinion, it's a moot point ! )
You are ,naturally and reasonably, focused on your kid, but while for you he/she is the first and only- for your bf he'll be the third and with exactly the same value and importance than the other two.That's really a delicate predicament, I think all you can do is to speak honestly to your bf , with an open heart . Do not pose ultimatums, either/or solutions, because frankly I don't think you'd have much leverage anyway. And don't even bring up that he broke your agreement , even if it's true ; as I tried to explain before, when you have kids, things may change on a dime and one needs to be flexible. Just share your concerns with him. Tell him that you feel that,during your pregnancy and much more once you have your baby, you may not be physically and emotionally able to handle everything . You need to rest and be serene and stress free during pregnancy; and after, you'll be breastfeeding, you'll loose precious sleep, you'll be busy and on call 24/7 with the newborn, your hormons will be all over the place . You probaby would be stretched wat too thin to take on the duties of responsibilities of a full time step mom . Too much is too much and it may trigger post partum depression.
Stress how this is not personal aganst his kids, whether they behave or misbehave. Simply, you have physical and emotional limits too, limits which need to be respected if you have to operate like a true member of the family unit.
I hope he'll see your point and you can work out a compromise together. Good luck !
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (24 November 2015):
 Yes you are. Sorry. Your one and only priority is your son, does that parental responsibility or love not extend for your bf? When it comes to children, plans change and being flexible enough to accommodate to his children is what happens when you choose to get involved with a partner with kids. You really have your work cut out for you because I hardly think you are going to have much influence as a step mum to a boy 4 years your junior. As much as you probably want to kick his sorry arse I think leaving that to his father would be best given the age gap. That in no way means you have to take any crap either. You and your partners house, you and your bf need to discuss house rules and family expectation. Everyone needs space-especially teenagers. Sounds like there will be adjustments for all concerned and from a young person perspective not being wanted where ever he goes is some pretty damaging stuff. Refusing to split bills seems rather childish and sends a very clear message that you have no intentions of accepting his children as part of him and they are your baby's kin after all. My advice would be to accept the things you cannot change and find strategies for making things work for a happy household. all the best
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