A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've just found out I'm pregnant with my first babyThe baby wasn't planned but my husband and I have been married for two years and I have openly wanted kids.... anyway... there's one small problem... my husband is a heroin addict... it all happened when he nearly worked himself to death the year before we got engaged, he turned to drugs, he told me about it and said he would stop and he did, but sometime since he's become addicted again. I know he'd be a great dad, and he really wants to be one, but am I right to bring a baby into a world where his or her dad is addicted to heroin or am I right to expect my husband to pull himself away from something so addictive for our baby due in 7 months?Help please :'(
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (6 April 2011):
The question of whether it is right or wrong is a question of perspective, so you can argue for either side which is kind of arbitrary, but really in a sense its not the right question. This would be a logical question to ask if you were not yet pregnant and deciding whether or not you should get pregnant. Then you would be deciding on whether it is a good or bad choice given your circumstances, but this is not the situation you find yourself in. You are currently pregnant, so the question whether it is right, or good, is kind of irrelevant. You are currently on a path, trajectory, in which you are going to bring a baby into the world whether it is a good idea or not. If you are thinking about NOT having the baby, eg terminating, then the question to ask is whether or not it is a good choice NOT to have the baby, and whether it is right or wrong NOT to bring a child into the world which is at the moment going to be born. In other words, "should I decide to have an abortion because my husband is a heroin addict?"In my opinion, the one does not have to have anything to do with the other. There are many mothers who bring children into the world in your kind of circumstances, and much worse circumstances, some of these children grow up into happy, successful adults, some do not. You cannot know the fate of your child. What you can do is create the best environment possible for your child. In that regard, you ask another question, which is whether its right or not you are right to expect your husband to pull himself away from his addiction. Again, its not a question of right, and additionally, because your husband is addicted to heroin, you cannot expect anything from him. He is completely unreliable and unpredictable because his addiction means he is not in a position to control or intelligently make choices or act. There will be times when he is fine but there will be times when he is not, and neither you nor he can know when those times will be, and how frequent. You do also not know whether he has the strength, determination and emotional make up to overcome his addiction. For some mothers, creating the best environment for their child means supporting their partners in overcoming their heroin addictions to live successful lives. Somtimes successfully, sometimes not. Others create a safe environment by leaving their heroin addicted partners and excluding this influence from their children's lives. There are many other options too. Take the time to decide what you are going to choose. To me the best outcome for everyone concerned would be if your partner gives up heroin, but this is not up to you it is up to your husband. If this is the path you are going to take together I would keep one thing in mind: your husbands words and good intentions do not really determine whether he will actually give up heroin, only his actions count. Ignore whatever he says that does not match his actions. Good luck.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (6 April 2011):
 This is really not something we can answer for you online. This is a huge life-changing decision. You need to talk it over with your husband and with your friends to find what's best for you and your family. Find out your options, what's realistic in terms of him getting clean, and the decision will come to you.
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A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 I am not married, nor am I at an age that is around the age to marry... I am only 17, but I think i might be able to help you...Heroin is a very harsh drug, it is relatively expensive, and it can have devastating affects on the human body. You as a mother would like your child to have a great upbringing and morals etc.Having a husband that is a heroin addict is just looking for trouble to me... 1. it will be a bad example for your child, 2. he will be wasting a ton of money on the drugs, 3. he will most likely get addicted if he becomes sober again..If I was a woman and I had a husband that is a heroin addict, I would most likely divorce him because it is hard to live with someone like that...IN MY HONEST OPINION, you should seek professional help from a counselor, or shrink about your problems and confusions.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (5 April 2011):
 First of all, I am very sorry that you and your husband are dealing with the effects of his addiction-it's hard and not too many can understand how hard it is to be controlled by an outside force or hard it is to watch someone you love suffer through being controlled. But honey, every child is a miracle-a gift. Who knows? This baby can be the very reason why your husband will turn away from drugs-how he'll find the strength to quit. It won't be easy. I suggest you tell him about the baby and be firm about his getting help. If he makes no effort, refuses to check into a rehab, I'm sorry but it would be best to walk away. Heroin addiction is quite serious. No, he won't be better in 7 months or even a year. But, it is important he gets the proper help in order to at least put a leash so to say on this addiction. Have your child but if worst comes to worst, you'll have to walk away....and then, you and your beautiful child can wait until he is well and ready to come back into your lives. We are all here for you,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Hmmm, well if you were choosing for yourself, would you choose a less than ideal beginning to life, or no life at all? Obviously there are probably going to be some damaging consequences for a child born to a father who is a herion addict, but if you are a good mother and your husband a good father despite his problems (with addiction you will see many, many problems and there may be a time where you choose that this man is too damaging to have in a child's life), your kid can still become a decent human being without an addiction. My own dad is an alcoholic, has been since before I was born, and none of us kids grew into being anything like him. We all suffered because of him, but for the most part we are normal functioning adults.
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