A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should a person who is sick or not feeling well ask for help?Like:A lift home from a doctor's appointment or from hospital?Or for a friend to drop and check they are OK?This is if they have no family nearby or live alone.If you were having surgery in next 6 weeks, needed 2 weeks off work, had the sick leave, boss approved leave, you are single, no kids, live alone, very independent.You have no family nearby and are NOT close to them, ( you are not telling them, you rarely see them, it would be super awkward, you don't want to tell them and will NOT!)They have their life, kids etcYou have a few friends, not many.. but you have friends.A few know you are having surgery but not one has offered to help, like: lift to or from hospital, none asked when the actualday of surgery was so they can drive you, none said they will ask if they can drop by your home to check on you or text to see if you will be ok, or take you out for a coffee when you are better, or offer to cook you dinner.Or even just to text and ask "are you ok?"I would offer them help if needed.. yes we are all busy, work, family, life..But should a friend offer help? Or does it depend on if its a casual friend, or a closer friend. Yes I know people often do not want to"Intrude" or "get in the way"Or should I ask? It isnt in my nature to ask for help as I dont want to be seen as needy, clingy or always wanting help.My longest friend of 25 years has not offered even to drive me or offered any help at all, I'm not gonna ask! Am upset she doesn't careShe hasn't asked the date of surgery or wished me well, just listenedwhen i (briefly) told her. im not mentioning it again..Should people offer? Should i ask? I can manage myself, i hope. Im always on my own and do everything by myself, don't want to seem like i'm needy or demanding.
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (18 August 2017):
Hello OP:"My longest friend of 25 years has not offered even to drive me or offered any help at all" -- You don't have a friend. What you thing you have, it's not friendship, she might just be an acquaintance. Is it OK to ask for help. YES, ASK FOR HELP. If you don't ask, your so called friendships won't lift a finger. Yes, you may be forcing them to do stuff they don't want to, but hey, how much have you done for them? It's time to get something in return. In moments like these is when you know who your real friends are.I think that you honestly don't have any true friends, sorry to tell you that. Those people just hang out with you, but aren't that interested in your well being, so you should stop considering them friends before it's too late or before you get more disappointed with them. If you do a lot for your friends and you never get anything in return, those guys are not your friends, they are using you. True friends, when you do something for them, they do things to pay you back (not with money) with favors. There is not favor counting (but there should be at least more than one favor owed on each side). Real friends offer help when you have a problem, or are there and don't flake when you ask them a favor. On my family, we recently lost a 30 year relationship with a guy that turns out was a total jerk , just for asking him help with her daughter's conduct (she stole money from my parents). When legal proceedings were slightly mentioned, the jerk came back with replacement money (which he took from his own wallet because he's unable to ask her daughter for the money she stole ), he threw the money at our home's doorstep at my mother's face. You see, my parents are doctors, and have had given him and all his family FREE medical treatment and medicine for all those years in exchange of what they thought was friendship. That guy was just using my parents all along.If you can't pull this by yourself, hire a nurse, or uber driver, or buy your way out of this situation. The next time one of your so called "friends" go through a surgery or things like that, DON'T OFFER HELP, PLEASE. Have some self respect. If you don't treat them as they have treated you, they will never learn nor be able to be on your shoes.GOOD LUCK IN YOUR SURGERY!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 You bring up a lot of questions and they can "easily" be answered with a: "IF you want help, ASK for it." That is the ONLY sure way you will get the help you need.
While you might be a very private person and never ask people for help is fine for the most part - but if you NEED help you need to get off that "high horse" or "the I don't want to bother people" and SIMPLY ask people for help. Put your pride away for a few minutes. It's not going to hurt.
I can't imagine any GOOD friend saying, no way! Unless they have other plans.
You friend probably haven't asked because she presumes you don't WANT/NEED help, she doesn't want to intrude.
She isn't being uncaring or rude - she simply doesn't know that you would WANT help. So ASK her. Instead of acting like a spoiled 5 year who is mad because others around her can't read her mind. Really.
I wouldn't be surprised that she will be happy to help.
Do you offer other people help often? At all? It's really not as common anymore.
I have found if I offer people help, I end up being taken advantage off. ( or people trying to take advantage) So these days... I RARELY offer to help. Which in a way, is a shame.
Ask if you WANT/NEED help, don't sit and expect others to know what you need/want.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 August 2017):
 I agree that you likely come across to others as very private and independent and those who are socially astute enough and respectful of boundaries don't want to step on yours.And sometimes people's well intentioned concern can actually be more aggravating, and harder to address when you feel guilty having to tell them they're starting to bother you.What you need after surgery is peace and rest. Not umpteen phone calls where you have to repeat the same thing over and over and then having to muster up the strength to get up and answer the door and offer refreshments. I think you should figure out SPECIFICALLY what you need and then ask only those you think are in a better position to provide it. Not just ahead of surgery but in life. Leaving others to guess and then secretly condemning them when they get it wrong so you can always appear to be nice is both unfair and phoney.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 August 2017):
 If you will not talk with your family, perhaps your friends see you as standoffish. As you say it isn't in your nature to ask for help. It probably isn't in your nature to accept help. You probably don't choose friends who offer help.
People generally like to help. When they are asked to do something they feel included and closer to the group.
In short, when you get to hospital someone is at some point going to giver you a paper explaining that they wont release you if you don't have someone to drive you. You should probably ask someone to be available "just in case".
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