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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband and I have gone through a lengthy separation which was made easier for us both when he got a new job last March and moved over 100 miles away from me our two teenage boys. He recently told me he's met someone else and he thinks alot of her but when he comes back to see the boys next month, and future weekends until we sell the house, he wants to continue to stay with us in the 'family' home, rather than elsewhere. For example, he's got a brother who lives just around the corner, but he refuses to stay there, or with other members of his family, who don't live too far away. I feel very awkward about it, because circumstances have changed and I think I should be able to have my own space. Now he's with someone else, am i being unreasonable to not want him in the house that used to be ours? His reasoning is that if he stays with us, he can do jobs to prepare it for sale, as well as see the boys. There's pride on both sides here but to me it feels like he wants his cake and eat it. I haven't met anyone (yet) so am i 'punishing' him by not giving him the easy option? What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2006): He made the choice to move out and end it. You living in the home til it sells was court agreed on I am assuming.
It is nice he is willing to do his part to fix the house so you both sell it. Let him do that.
You don't want your sons to be further confused over this " temporary move-in" and it may lead them into believing that you and the Ex might reconcile. All children secretly desire for their parents to get back together.
Also, what of the new GF? What if he is hiding this from her? What if she finds out and comes over and brings her hurt and anger on your doorstep? Is this good for the sons? Is this good for you?
He has other options and stop doing what is "easier" for him. Think about you.
Saving money verses saving sanity is not worth it.
Say yes to him spending times with the sons but not in the home.
His reasoning serves him better but not you and you know it.
I think you have a gut insticnt that says this all doesn't jive. Trust in it.
Stand firm.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2006): No, you aren't being unreasonable to feel you want your space. But you do what is the best possible arrangement for the kids. Not all divorces are contentious and it appears the both of you are amicable for the sake of the children. Kudos for you. I do feel this arrangement is easier for the kids to cope, because even at the best of times, a marriage breakdown is never easy for anyone. Your boys are teens, they are old enough to understand that the marriage is over, and you and husband are making the transition easier for them. There is nothing worse than kids seeing Mom and Dad at each others throats. And this arrangement can work..it did for me. I did the same thing as you, for about two years after my separation and divorce. My ex-husband worked out of town and came to visit our 9 year old son, here at my house (this was not the matrimonial home, I bought it after the divorce) I allowed him to use the spare bedroom but before I allowed this, I gave him some guidelines on what I would and would not tolerate. I set boundries by telling him, that because it was his court appointed visitation, it was up to him to be fully responsible for our son when he was here, he made meals for him, washed his clothes, cleaned up after him and himself and they went and did activities together. Meanwhile, I went and did what I wanted to do. My home is large so basically, he and my son used the basement to watch TV and visit. I had the upstairs. The added benefit was..my ex would do odd jobs around the house as repayment for staying here and he always contributed his own food. What ended our arrangement was , I did meet someone else who did begin spending time at the house here. I then asked my ex husband to find other accomodations when he was in town to allow me total privacy...in which he did. But the added benefits for our son was tremendous when the ex husband stayed here. He didn't have to be shuffled to a motel room, or to his Uncle's home. He was allowed to visit his Dad in comfort of his own home where he could sleep in his own bed at night. It made his transition easier and he to this day, at 15, has never displayed any ill effects of the marriage breakdown. He's a pretty well rounded kid. But do what you think is best for your situation. Is your ex being there giving your kids a false sense of hope? that you and he will reconcile? Just be clear with your kids that Dad and you live separate lives and this arrangement is in place to benefit them. I wish you luck and if you and the ex can share the odd weekend under the same roof so he can be with his kids...that all the more power to you. It takes a special person to do that!
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