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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there,Been reading this board on and off for a few months now and it seems people qive good adivce so thought i'd air a few thoughts of my own about my relationship to see peoples views.I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and he is the best man i've known and the guy i'm going to marry (we're a bit short on cash so we'll have to wait a couple of years!)Everything about him is perfect but I have one nagging question, Before he met me he talked to this girl online (tho he never met her) but they were kinda sexually talking if you catch my drift. It didnt really bother me as he ended it with her and it wasnt a major thing, but i found an email the other week that he had sent her which was dated around May last year (by that point we had been offical girl/boyfriend for about 5 months). He was calling her sexy and what not and when i confronted him he did take full responsibility and said he was sorry etc and was quite upset as he thought i may not love him the same etc. I accept his reasons behind sending it (kinda, tis a long story!)but he still has her email on his contact list and her added as a contact on msn messenger even tho he said he doesnt want anymore contact with her and its buggin me.I suppose my question is, is it reasonable for me to ask him to remove her off his msn completely or am i just being paranoid/not trusting he wont contact her again?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Thanks everyone!
After writing i spoke to him today and all is fine and well!! He said of course he would take her off and that I should never worry about her again and to forget about it. He also added that if i want he would go buy a dart board with her on it and aim :p
So thanks for the quick responses and to BIGmanwithaBIGheart, I would say go ahead and talk to your gf as even tho the advice on here gives you push in the right direction nothing beats actually talking to the person involved :)
A
male
reader, BIGmanwithaBIGheart  +, writes (22 February 2006):
 no i think its perfectly reasonable. i am sort of in the same situation. mine is that my girlfriend had a few sexual friends until going out with me and she speaks to them and thanx to you i think i will pluck up the courage to tell her how it makes me feel! If he loves you truly, as he says he doesn't want contact he should quite happily take her e-mail off his contact list and messenger thing. I really hope you sort this out, my heart goes out to you so much! All the best!
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 February 2006):
 I agree with Irish mostly. You should talk to him about it but try not to accuse because the more you say the more it seems to me that it's likely there is nothing going on here to be concerend about and what we are dealing with, as you said yourself, is a resurfacing of your old concerns.
You say he has a new account which again points to tardiness and simply not spring-cleaning not some ulterior motive in keeping her there. Bring it up in a way that is firm but fair and don't let it cause an unnesscery confrontation.
I think to be honest from what you have said you will find he will delete her there and then.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Yes, you should talk to him about this. I have always said, with many people in relationships, trust is earned through behaviour and actions...not what a loved one tells you. Learn to discern that. Hun, if he has not deleted her off his contact list and if you feel...there is a temptation for him to begin contact with a former cyber-lover (this woman) then as I said in my last posting, you calmly, maturely but in a lovingly firm way, ask him to "I feel uncomfortable with you having her on your contact list. Please delete her name". It's okay to let him know your feelings and vulnerabilities...you're being honest. It's okay to let him know what you want and expect in this relationship. Set some boundries. Hopefully, he loves you enough to see that her name/contact information is causing 'doubts' for you and he will do the honorable, decent, loving thing. We do things for our loved ones to help them feel safe, secure in a relationship. It's an ongoing process..it never stops. This woman means nothing to him, so deleting her should not be a problem. If he refuses to...then all I have to say you could end up, in the future, being in a three-legged race with a man you can't trust. Because everytime you step outside the door, you will be wondering. If you want a man who loves, cherishes and wants to be with you and be a man true to his word, then have him step up to the plate and ask him to ...ditch the former cyber sex buddies/buddy, off his computer. Plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Thanks for the response i do appreciate them , its nice just to have some other peoples opinions!I will say tho that this is other woman is not a friend of his, we meet via an online dating site and she was someone he contacted before me, which stopped when he met me. But her dad died etc soon after (which she told him in an email) and she seemed a bit mental so he didnt want her toping herself or somthing so sort of let her down gently - which i was fine with. But the point he always has made is he doesnt want her there, he emailed her a few times to try and get rid of her, say goodbye. He hasnt spoke to her (as far as i know) since last aug, when he realised it was affecting me a bit so said he would cut off all contact as i was the most important thing. I think with finding this email it maybe made me doubt he hasnt spoken to her and with her contact info still being there, there's a temptation for him to get in touch. But also he never really uses that email anymore as he has a new one and keeps saying he's planning to delete the account so i think i maybe over reacting!I think i should probably just bring this up with him, he always says i can ask him anything and he loves me no matter what, so i should believe that! Any thoughts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): You are saying ...5 months into your relationship, he was e-mailing a woman with whom he had previously shared online cybersex with. Have you come right out and asked him to remove her off his contact list? Dear, you need to understand something. You are hurting inside-you are going through self-doubts. No one should endure that in a loving relationship. The only way to resolve this is to start setting clear boundries with him by saying " get her name off your contact list". The doubts will subside, somewhat once he removes the damned dagger out of your back. Take some time to think about what it is exactly that he is doing ask him if it's something he would find acceptable, if the tables were turned. I think it would be highly unlikely. Trust is foundational in a relationship and this guy needs to do
something to earn your trust. He needs to learn ways to re-establish trust. Taking her name off his contact list may be a good start to earning your trust back again...slooowly. This is not a short term process. This kind of healing and change takes time. I wish you well, you are in my thoughts.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 February 2006):
Well, I agree that I sometimes call my female friends sexy but that is the point where my agreement with the other poster stops.
The main reason I think you are not being totally unreasonalbe is that he has clearly stated that he is not interested in keeping in contact with her and in keeping her around is acting somewhat contray to what he is saying. Having said that, speaking personally, spring cleaning my email contacts and my MSN is something I am pretty tardy at so it is perfectly possible there is no hidden agenda in her still being there.
Try not to make too much of an issue out of it and let it spiral out of control though. Hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): I call one of my female friends "Sexy" all the time, and I make sure my gf knows that I'm just joking around. I think for you to ask him to remove her account on MSN is pretty darn unreasonable. What do you all think?
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