A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a serious relationship with a guy who's 22 and I'm 19. We've been together for 7 months. He's very sweet, kind, emotional and just all around a good person. He's always willing to help me and I know in my heart that he really loves me. The problem is, I recently found out that two years ago, when my boyfriend was 20, he had sex with a 14 year old. She was the sister of one of his friends and he didn't know her very well (but he DID know her age) and she was rather promiscuous and was "throwing herself at him." At the time my guy said he was very lonely and depressed and he KNEW it was wrong, but he had sex with her one night anyway. He had kept telling himself in his mind that he loved her, but in reality he knew it was just physical lust and it was very wrong because she was only 14. He used love as an excuse for sex. He says he immediately regretted it and felt like a jerk because it was so wrong. And for a week after it he was terrified that she might be pregnant because they didn't use a condom (Luckily, she wasn't). He tried to rectify the situation by telling her mom but the girl begged him not too. So then he tried to start a real relationship with her, to make things right, but she was just too young and immature for a serious relationship so that didn't work out.I know my boyfriend has been honest and really does regret it and he's very angry with himself about it. The thing is....I absolutely cannot stand guys who are even attracted to young teens, let alone have sex with them. Guys like that are pathetic and disgusting and there is absolutely NO excuse for such innappropriate behavior. Fourteen year olds are just little girls who have NO idea what they're doing and they can be convinced to do almost anything. It is beyond wrong to accept a sexual invitation from someone so young; it's illegal for a reason! I cannot believe the sweet person that I love could have EVER done something so disgusting. It literally makes me feel sick. I had a huge argument with him about it and really told him off, but I don't really feel any better. Is this something I should just get over? Is it really as wrong as I think it is? I honestly thought about breaking up over it (and I don't think about that lightly!), but is that an over-reaction? Please provide some help and insight!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I should forgive him. But I feel the need to clarify something: he never planned on telling me. I accidently found an old journal entry of his that I read (yes, that was wrong of me) and that's how I found out and then I confronted him. Honestly, finding the journal page was not intentional, I respect his privacy, but it was on looseleaf paper in plain sight and I sort of lost my head after reading the first lines of it and just had to keep reading.
I will need to find the power to forgive him. It will be difficult but I believe it's really what's best.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): What it all boils down to is if you are willing to forgive, something he obviously cannot do himself.
He didn't need to tell you any of this. He could have just kept his trap shut and lived his life with you, happily.
But he didn't. He chose to risk potential heartbreak because he loved you enough that he felt it would be wrong that you did not know the darkest aspect he has ever experienced within himself.
A paedophile does not do this. He made a mistake. He was manipulated by a girl whilst he was in a depressive state. So don't go putting all the blame on him. It takes two to tango and the girl is just as much to blame because at 14, she might not be as smart as she's ever gonna be, but she knows what sex is and the risks it carries, not to mention the laws... and she still CHOSE to circumvent them.
The cage he has encased around himself is punishment enough.
So either you be the bigger person and forgive him, because A) It's the right thing to do.
B) Its this terrible experience that has shaped the man he is today.
If you cannot forgive this man then you shouldn't be involved with him, because its part of what a coupling is. Forgiving them for the bad things they have done.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008): My ex was 20 and I was 14 when we got together,and had sex and there is no way I would ever consider him pathetic or disgusting. Lots of girls of that age look and act a lot older, and are very sexual/sensual, and know exactly what they are doing to a guy, it is in no way the same thing as a paedophile who looks at young children. Each situation will be different but I wouldn't want to give up on an otherwise great relationship because of this one mistake he made. I would ask myself if he's ever done anything else to suggest he might be interested in young girls ie looking at images on the internet or texting, messaging teenagers or does he maybe have a profile on a social networking site with lots of young girls as friends? If none of these things are the case then I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Just my opinion - hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 February 2008):
 There are a couple of things I want to say to you. He was honest with you. He told you because he is having trouble forgiving himself. He didn't need to tell you. I agree that it was wrong, wrong and wrong on so many levels. I think he knows that.
If you truly can not forgive him then you do need to move on and find somebody you respect. If you stay with him and still have these feelings of resentment they will come out anytime the relationship has a snag and that is not fair to him or to you and it will prevent your relationship from ever moving forward. You have spent 7 months with him and it will only get harder and harder to leave. Especially when you aren't all in this relationship anymore anyway.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (2 February 2008):
 What your fella has done is Statutory Rape and really should have known better. Although that he regrets what he has done, it does not change the fact that he slept with a minor.
If what he has done is totally unforgivable, then I would call this relationship a day and move on. As I think you have no future with this guy who committed Paedophilia. Sorry to be harsh but that what it all boils down to in my opinion. Dusky xxx
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