A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married two and a half years (Mar '06), and have been together nearly five. We have two children together, our eldest will be four in about a month, and our youngest is fifteen months. I first learned of my husband's marijuana use when our first child was about three months old. We'd begun having problems after the baby came, in large part due to my post partum depression. He was very distant, unwilling to help, and would often leave for days. Turns out he would go out with his buddies and spend the time drinking and smoking pot. When I found out, I packed up my baby's and my belongings and moved in with my grandparents while he quit the pot. Things never really improved. He was a totally different person. He had the nerve to ask me why I thought he was so mellow. I had just thought it was his personality! Eventually things improved enough that we finally married (we had been engaged since before our baby was born). He still continued to drink heavily. I wouldn't call him an alcoholic, but he definitely abuses and self-medicates. The second half of our first year of marriage was very rocky. Well, the first couple of months also, due to a medical issue shortly after our wedding. We became pregnant with our second child after eight months of marriage, and it was a difficult pregnancy. Shortly before out baby was born, we'd begun having better times. Even the first week after, I thought he was being great. He was finally being the partner he hadn't been during our pregnancy. Until I began having more medical issues relating to the pregnancy. He was nonexistant.My husband was not supportive at all, and fell back into his drinking and leaving. I found out he'd been frequenting porn sites at work and was registered on a site called fling.com. He denyed it when I confronted him. I knew for a fact, though. It was months later when he admitted it. Though, he had tried to make me think I was crazy for even suggesting it. Our second anniversary marked the day we both stopped wearing our rings. I even burned a copy of our marriage license. We'd hit rock bottom and were digging. Divorce was a word thrown around so frequently, it made me sick to think about leaving work at the end of the day. Not so much a sickness about going home, just anxiety about him coming home, or being there when I got there. He refuses to talk about anything and refuses to take responsibility for the things he has done. We are both stubborn as mules. I seldom think I am wrong. I can't let go without apologies. He never thinks he needs to apologize. Neither one of us knew how to talk to each other. And he prefers to ignore problems until they go away. However, the problems never go away without resolution. And for me resolution requires discussion.Just a few days after our second child's first birthday, I went searching through his car anticipating phone numbers or empty beer cans, when what I found was his stash of pot. It was in the console with a pipe/bowl/whatever they call it, and lighters. It was about a half a sandwich bag full, and it was clear that it had been used and the bag wasn't bought with that much. I panicked. He frequently drives with our kids, and our eldest is notorious for getting into the consoles and glove boxes. I didn't know what to do and wasn't about to leave it there for him to use later. I took it and got rid of it. I smashed his pipe. I wanted to turn it over to the police but was too scared of being charged with possession.I left the velvet pouch, with empty sandwich bag and smashed pipe on the porch chair for him, then took our kids to a park while he bug bombed the house. He went into a rage and destroyed things in the yard, in the house, and even broke a heavy duty shovel. I filed an informational report with our local police, and while I had suggested counseling before, I was desperate now. I found Retrouvaille about a week before there was a session near us. I got him to agree.We attended the weekend, and despite the first night being terrible, it ended up being the best thing we'd ever done by the end.We were doing well. Even though nothing was fixed. We continued the follow-up sessions and then we missed the most important one about conflict resolution. He chose to quit the dialogues we were doing, and then we missed the next session. And the next. Things were still going okay, but not the best. I thought it was time to have him do a drug test. Things were going well, so I thought nothing of it. After all, he had told me he would do what he could to earn back my trust, and help us rebuild. I thought he might feel insulted, but I thought he would do it anyway. He ignored it. Then he refused it. And the last three weeks have been horrible. To me, the only reason to refuse a test is knowing it will have a positive result. I can't understand how he could have refused an opportunity to rebuild my trust about it. I thought he had stopped, and I needed proof. He has told me that I'm completely ridiculous, a b*****, and insane for wanting him to do one. He won't talk about it, and now he has even told me that he didn't do anything to cause distrust in the first place. He thanked me for taking a non-issue between us and turning it into a wrecking ball. Is it really so horrible for me to want to know if my husband has quit smoking pot or not? I don't let him be in charge of our kids alone, and won't until he proves himself, which some people are telling me is the worst thing I can do. I see it as ensuring he doesn't get pulled over with our kids and his pot in the car and getting our kids put into the system. If he really has stopped (which he is now claiming he did - I recently found cigars in his bag instead), why not take a test to prove it? He told me I'm not worth taking a test for, but now his kids aren't worth it either. I would think people who are known to be drug users would bend over backwards to prove they are clean. Especially if they have said they wanted to earn back broken trust. He has said that he'll just smoke cigarettes instead. I don't want to be with a smoker period, but is any of this worth it? Should I just assume he is still using? Do I go ahead and file for divorce? Drugs are unacceptable, and if he can't see that his kids are worth proving he is clean for, should he matter at all?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 while i am not a condoner of drugs, i dare call marijuana a " bad drug" seeing as it is an herb that has certain qualities to it. ur concern should be his drinking habits, as alchol kills. marijuana does not inebriate u in the same fashion. i know people who smoke marijuana to keep them mellow. many were diagnosed with adhd etc as a child and find pot keeps them focused. hollywood does a "good" job in making pot and pot users look like junkies and a drug that is highly destructive.
as with cigarettes it does have a high tar content etc. but, i find pot is as useful as any conventional medicine and the only way poit becomes an issue is if it becomes financially draining to ur family, it has precedence over bill payments and food onn the table etc. and, it cuase one to not fulfill his or her daily duties responsibly. sorry lady, i know pot users who smoke for recreational use and other purposes and their more responsible than non pot users. its the individual, not the drug!! soif u have major concerns over his abuse over alcohol, then take further steps to see u and ur little ones are going to be well and okay. divorce is acceptable option if u are ready to accept that alternative option as a step up to get urself in a better situation.
good luck. i hope u will understand and read in between the lines what im trying to say.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Seems to me that you liked the guy and his personality before you found out he smoked pot. Then once you realize that he does, you change your tune and say that what was once a charming personality is actually a drug fueled lie. Either accept that his easygoing personality is who he is when high, and he is only going to be that way when he smokes, or force him to quit (which he will resent, and call you a b**** for) and accept his angry and bitter personality. But instead of confronting the issue, you have indirectly addressed it. You steal his stash and destroy his pipes, rather than being loving and supporting to a man who may want to quit, but is being frustrated because you seem to love conditionally, rather than wholeheartedly.
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