A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to care deeply for or even love someone and NEVER be jealous?I have always thought that being jealous meant being afraid to lose someone. That is because you love or care for them so much. And it is a feeling which overcomes us, whether we choose it or not. And even if we trust our partner, can jealousy still not rear its ugly head from time to time?If a man or woman is never jealous, does that mean there is no love or no feelings?I am curious about the different opinions and especially from both men and women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): i've been in a very toxic relationship and finally a good, healthy one. It's really not fair to say that because you are jealous that you're insecure without really knowing anything about the relationship. The first relationship cost me a lot of pain and jealousy. The answer to that is simple. The man was/is a womanizer. 99% of his friends on Facebook were attractive women. When occasions came around, he insisted on seeing other women for dinners insisting they were just good friends and admittedly was very protective and generous toward. His reason for doing this? His words......."they were there first!" He also felt that because he bought them gifts in the past, he had to contine doing this. SORRY, BUT NOT IN MY BOOK IF YOU'VE ENTERED A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!!!!!I tried leaving him numerous times but he kept coming back insisting that it was only me he loved. It took me a while to find out that he kept doing this behind my back and did nothing but lie. Even though I told him that I had moved on and he should do the same, he wanted to be friends and kept coming around. Even though he would come around to see me for no more than 10-15 min daily in the workplace, I felt I couldn't handle the idle talk and him getting into my private life annymore so became serious and finally told him to stay out of my life. In summary, a man who wanted it all.Happy to report that this does not torture me anymore but see him as a sorry excuse for a human being.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 May 2015):
 To me, Jealousy is an emotion rooted totally in INSECURITY.
The jealous partner is insecure about themselves and therefore feel jealousy when their partner does things that do not focus on them.
I love my husband. I WANT to be with him. BUT I'm secure enough to know that if I was alone I would be JUST fine. Therefore, I do not get jealous of anyone or anything he does.
I do not think trust has a lot to do with Jealousy. Since trust is EARNED it's based on the OTHER person's behavior. Jealousy is an internal feeling based on your own behavior and thoughts.
You can totally trust your partner and still be jealous of others if you are insecure in your feelings about yourself or the relationship.
I had a spouse who I did NOT trust. I was NOT jealous about his other friends/lovers. But he was a liar and he was NOT trustworthy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 May 2015):
 I think there is a difference between being jealous and being territorial. Not being jealous doesn't mean not caring if someone else hits on your partner.
I think it's healthy if, say, you're at a bar with your partner, you have to use the restroom, and when you come back out, you see another woman (or man) draping her arm around your boyfriend or getting a bit close or if he's sitting, jumping into his lap (I've seen this behavior firsthand). Maybe some people would see the response as jealous, but I call that territorial. I would go up, put my arm around my guy, and tell her he's taken. How I treat my guy would hinge on whether or not I saw him resist.
That's different, in my opinion, than jealousy and trust issues. Look it up in the dictionary, and the jealousy over perceiving that you'll lose someone, or aren't good enough to keep them, or are constantly snooping or watching for the least signs of him looking at any other guy, or constantly checking where he is at all times...and THAT is jealousy in my opinion, and will kill a relationship dead in its tracks.
Jealousy extends beyond love-relationships. Siblings are jealous of the success, beauty, favor of their parents, and always reflects their deficient self-worth sense. Co-workers are jealous of the "wonder-employee" and are worried the boss will promote them or favor them, so they'll undermine them. In school, bullying happens because of people feeling threatened that either the target kid will steal popularity or a guy/girl (Phoebe Prince had the interest of guys that the bully girls wanted).
Being territorial is normal and healthy in a relationship. Being jealous is not.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (21 May 2015):
 YES...you can have a relationship without jealousy. As some others have said...and it is true...Jealousy has NO place in ANY relationship.First off...what do you have to be jealous about?? What are you afraid to lose? Was that person yours to begin with? When you were born, did someone tell you that a particular person you meet will be yours forever?If you are doing YOUR part in the relationship, what are you afraid to lose? Someone who is not doing their part? Really?If you are NOT doing your part, then yes, be afraid...because someone else will come along and do it for. This is where most people start getting jealous...when they are about to lose something.If you are giving it your all, and your man wants to leave you for what he thinks is greener grass...oh please yes...most men don't realize that greener needs the same care as the grass they just left. This is why so many ex boyfriends want to come back to what they gave up.So there is no need for jealousy. It was not yours to begin with, but you can treat it right while you have it, and hope for the best.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 May 2015):
 Allow me to further explain. I agree with youwish. Jealousy can often times be a cancer in relationships. It can be a catalyst that destroys what would otherwise be a happy, healthy love. There is jealousy that clouds the mind and takes over your thoughts. It can cause people to do terrible things to each other. And it is used in many instances to justify abusive behavior. Those types of jealousy are absolutely unhealthy and a cancer. And that type of jealousy is never healthy within a relationship. Needed to clarify.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 May 2015):
I disagree with those that say jealousy has no place in a loving relationship. Now, I'm not saying that extreme, possessive forms of jealousy are acceptable or healthy - they aren't. However, I believe there is some sort of an evolutionary aspect that is still present within most or all of us. This primal desire to safeguard what we perceive as "ours." That doesn't mean going around kicking other peoples asses who even so much as look at our man or woman. But that if someone hits on our significant other, or encroaches on our "territory," it's normal and almost primitive to stand up and defend what you love. I do believe in a healthy amount of jealousy within a relationship. I think it's human nature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): Whilst I agree that excessive jealousy can signal problems , I do not agree that any jealousy at all means the person doesn't love you , or tht the love is only alleged Jealousy is a normal human reaction to a perceived threat and it can serve as a reminder to work on a relationship and that we should not take our partner for granted . It is how the jealousy is handled , tht counts For some reason humans seem to understand that as living feeling brings we experince a wide range of emotions , which a not to be judged but may help us understand and process things . Jealousy is only another emotion and not to be feared . People who say a person should never get jealous are being unreasonable . For them , that may be possible but it needs to be respected that everyone is differnentExpecting everyone to never get jealous is no different to expecting everyone to never get angry or sad ( both of those emotions can be destructive if handled poorly) ITS ALL IN HOW ONE DEALS WItH and expresses the given emotionSometimes people who are doing things that should rightfully set off alarm bells in a partner are the ones to make sweeping statements such as jealously is your problem and wrong !!In answer to your question , yes it's surely possible for someone to love you and not get jealous , just as it is possible for spmeone to love and get jealous We are all different and experience a wide range of emotions and it is not helpful to judge one another's emotions only actions Best wishes
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (21 May 2015):
I think your question can drive a lot of material but I think jealousy is normal in many relationships and no jealousy is also normal in many relationships.
If you are both happy, not hurting others, supporting each other and being true to each other, then if there is something bad like jealousy affecting, then deal with it together. If there is no issue, then do not create one. Your relationship with your SO is not governed by others.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 May 2015):
Jealousy isn't ABOUT the other person. Jealousy is always about the person who is jealous. Some people who have issues with jealousy say that it's because they love the person so much that they get jealous. Jealousy can be obsessive, anxious, insecure, unsettling, cancer in a loving relationship that will sap the life out of the most perfect of people. Abusers who hit their partners will blame love and jealousy for doing it.
It's not true that a lack of jealousy means a lack of love. On the contrary, a lack of jealousy means the lover is confident, trusts their partner, and trusts that they won't lose them. A lack of jealousy signals contentment and the opportunity for true bonding and getting to know them without the pressure of jealousy.
Retroactive jealousy, that special brand that gets obsessive and jealous about a partner's past love life before they met, has nothing to do with love. That one is especially corrosive to a relationship, and the lack of retroactive jealousy doesn't mean the lack of love.
Which boils down to the fact that jealousy is the very antithesis of love. You ask about if a person is never jealous, does that mean there is no love or feelings??
True love is selfless, thinks of the other person before themselves, and involves giving oneself away to the other person to cherish. Love seeks to reach out and seek to enrich the other person's life. Love is freeing and supportive to a partner to reach their dreams and follow their full potential, because seeing them happy and fulfilled is food and drink to them. They would never let their own fear get in the way of their partner's life.
Jealousy is selfish and self-centered. It involves trying to control the other person, to keep them from leaving or others from "taking" them, which boils down to the jealous person thinking of themselves first. Jealousy wants to keep the partner caged, to stop their dreams if they keep them from the partner, and it's restrictive and obsessive. They resent the partner's friends or family or past relationships. They resent time spent doing or thinking about anything that isn't them.
A love free from jealousy is an outstanding ideal to reach toward. That's like wishing for a body free of cancer. Jealousy is unhealthy at every level.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (20 May 2015):
 Jealousy has no place in a loving relationship. Jealousy is a negative emotion and as such should not be inside love. If it is then the love is only alleged, by one in the couple or both. Therefore, if there is jealousy there is only tainted "love" and lot of pretension.
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