A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I read so many questions here about married people who have fallen out of love, married people who cheat, married people who are tempted to cheat, etc. etc. Does marriage even mean anything these days, other than being tied together by law? Is it even possible to have a lasting marriage or is it all just an unattainable ideal? As being a fairly young person (20) all this is pretty discouraging to me and makes me wonder if it's even possible. I'd like it to be possible, but is it realistic? Can you prevent a marriage from going south or is it inevitable?What are your thoughts? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): Marriage is a huge committment that needs constant attention. You need to be sure you are marrying the right person for the right reasons. I am a believer in long engagements - at least a year - to have time to decide if you have really found the "right" person. Marriages need to be nurtured and attended to. If your spouse says there's a problem or they are unhappy - whether you think things are fine or not - it is the time to make them your primary focus because if they have voiced their concern - there is a problem. Once they give up and stop caring, it makes them vunerable to an affair. In the end, you both end up with regrets. Yes - you can have a lasting marriage but you need to know it takes work and self sacrifice. If you really love your spouse, isn't it worth it?
A
female
reader, bunnyblueeyes  +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Yes it is possible, my parents have been together for 31 years this year. They are still as soppy and kissy as they were back in the 80s according to my nan, who is in a 50+ year marriage herself.
I plan on having a long married life too. You just have to marry the right person. I'm not saying it will all be plain sailing, you will have to work at it, but nothing that's easy is worth having.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): Yes if you marry someone who is similar to you in personality, values and background.
Every relationship will require compromises and sacrifices, but sacrifices do take their toll if they pile up. The more similar you are to your spouse, the less there will be to compromise and sacrifice meaning a smoother relationship overall.
that said, I firmly believe that not everyone should or deserves to be in a marriage. Just as not everyone is cut out to be a doctor or police officer or teacher, similarly I believe that many people are not meant to be married but insist on getting married anyway because society has always considered marriage to be a 'norm' and the expected thing to do and within the reach of everyone, like working a job. But any long term committed relationship requires certain skills and mindsets to maintain. And not everyone has that capability so if you get married to someone who's deficient in relationship skills or self-awareness, or you're such a person yourself, then you're in for a rough road.
if you want to have a chance at a lasting marriage, you should be someone who is emotionally healthy, and not someone with deep emotional problems. If you have issues then you should work on them yourself to get over them so that you don't bring it into the relationship and destroy it. And you should not marry someone who has deep emotional problems unless they have worked out their problems and healed rather than looking to the marriage and their partner to solve their problems for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): yes it's possible but is as much about luck as it is commitment and hard work.
any relationship takes 2 people to work. You can be the best partner in the world, the most committed, the most honest, the most sincere, the most giving....but if the person you choose to get involved with and marry is not also that, or if you have differences that drive each other apart, then the relationship will fail no matter how hard you work and how committed you are. You can only control yourself, after all, you have no control over any other person even if you're married to them.
That said, even when the relationship has failed, the marriage can still stay intact (still live together, still spend at least some time together) until one spouse dies. This is not a happy place to be, but many people do manage to live like this and our society hails this as a lasting marriage.
everyone laments the fact that the divorce rate is 50%. But of the remaining 50% of marriages that don't end in divorce, how many are truly good marriages and how many are failed relationship within intact marriages? And are such marriages better than divorce?
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (25 August 2011):
 Works for some people. In my extended family, certainly, I can count only 2 divorces, and though not all the relationships may be "happy" in the idealistic sense of the word, they do work. And then there are my parents, closing in on 35 years and still nearly as soppy as teenagers...I may be a sexually promiscuous woman myself, but my answer to whether marriages work will always be an emphatic "yes".
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 August 2011):
 There is no functional difference between a lasting marriage and a lasting long term relationship. If a marriage functions, it's not because it's a marriage, it's because those two people work well together, and would have done just fine without tying the knot. If a marriage fails to last or to function, it's because the people failed, not the union itself.
Don't worry about whether to have faith in a dead institution. Since the advent of no-fault divorce, marriage has meant absolutely nothing in any legal sense (and in a religious sense, I know of very few Christian churches willing to make a meaningful stand for marriage). Have faith in people, in monogamy, and in love. Find the right person, and take your time to do it right, and don't worry about whether it's "official" or not.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 August 2011):
Lasting marriages are possible. I would estimate about 30-40 percent of marriages would be lasting. The ones that don't get more marketing and media attention, we read much more about divorces than 50 year anniversaries because they are more newsworthy. Also, people in the media tend to be people whose lifestyles are less condusive to stable lasting marriages, so we hear about more divorces from famous people's lives too. In general though, a lasting happy marraige is a very realistic goal to set for any loving relationship.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (24 August 2011):
I absolutely believe that yes, marriages can last. A couple can fall in love, get married and truly live happily ever after... complete with a house, a dog and 2.5 kids.However, many marriages do fail. The statistics don't lie, over half of marriages end in divorce. Others don't fail but are fraught with problems, or go through very rough patches that involve things like cheating. The reasons are varied, and unfortunately I can tell you from first hand experience that there's really no way to know for sure in advance. I say this because I've been through a divorce. I obviously entered that marriage thinking it could work, believing that it would work, and it didn't.Even though I was in a marriage that failed, I have not given up on the idea. Rather, I look at my first marriage as a learning experience. I have no immediate plans to get married again, but I hold open the idea that perhaps someday I might find a woman I want to marry... and if I do, I know I'll enter the union with the attitude that it can succeed, and I'll hope that the experience I picked up the first time around will be enough to have made a better choice the second time.
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female
reader, tigerfeet +, writes (24 August 2011):
Yes of course it is there are.
Marriage is a partnership you have to costantly work at it.
This is why being sure that the person you choose is that person who gives you goosebumps. Is the person that when you leave them at night you want to be with them all the time.
It is easy for something to go wrong but the key is to fight for relationship to work. Today too many peole walk away give up on the person that they once had feelings for.
To be there follow the wedding vows staying can make your marriage stronger.
Seems you know too many people who have split up with no
relationships lasting within a marriage.
I feel you will be even more determined to take time over your Mr Right there is someone for you out there.
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